


40 Day Dream

by Xelako



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Genie/Djinn, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Cas is so sad, Case Fic, Dean Being an Asshole, Depression, Djinnverse (Supernatural), Domestic, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, If you really don't like to read Sad stuff: BEWARE, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Prompt Fic, Sam Is So Done, Slow Burn, depression triggers, long read, the non-con is really not a big deal in this work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-05-18 06:41:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 77,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5902261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xelako/pseuds/Xelako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don’t imagine Cas being kidnapped by a Djinn.</p><p>Don’t imagine Sam being the one who goes inside his head to save him and finding that Cas’s dream world is living a normal life with Dean.</p><p>Don’t imagine them all hanging out and when Dean finally leaves them alone for five minutes Sam trying to explain to Cas that this isn’t real and Cas saying “I know.”</p><p>Don’t imagine Cas clinging to the Djinn Dean, begging Sam not to take him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Dream a little dream of me" - The Mamas and the Papas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [YamiAki96](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YamiAki96/gifts).



> Based on the [prompt](http://yamiaki96fanfic.tumblr.com/post/103689121558/dont-imagine-cas-being-kidnapped-by-a-djinn) by the wonderful [YamiAki96](http://archiveofourown.org/users/YamiAki96).
> 
>  My [tumblr](http://xelako.tumblr.com/)
> 
> This story was not only a hobby, but it served as an escape from my daily stress.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> -Lots of love Alex

 

So, get this, missing people reports had increased in Illinois over the last couple of months. Sam and Dean had worked a case on a Djinn back in 2007, it wouldn't be so unusual for another Djinn to loom over the area once again. An ex-angel could easily take care of it while the boys were off taking care of a vampire nest along with some other hunters.

Cas hadn't gone with them due to the fact that Cas had woken up alone in the bunker to a note on the fridge.

_Hey Cas._

_Vampire nest in St. Louis._

_Meeting other hunters there._

_Chinese leftovers in the fridge._

_-Dean_

Ever since Cas had lost his grace, the Winchesters had granted Cas a place to stay, if he needed it. They had cleaned up a room in between Dean's and Sam's to keep him safely flanked by hunters. They had shown him how to re-heat food in the microwave and how to fake credit cards to go shopping. They had never actually taken him out shopping; he once went to Walmart to get some pants and shirts but everyone had looked at him weirdly when he obviously hesitated to pick a pair of jeans. He ended up buying three pairs (that miraculously fit him when he tried them on at the bunker) and a few random T-shirts and long sleeved shirts that he thought Dean or Sam might buy for themselves.

The guys didn't realize how big of a gesture it had been for Cas, who had struggled with his humanity, to have a small sense of stability in the form of a roof above his head and food. His first graceless days had been the worst. He couldn't understand why he couldn't control his feelings, they were too strong, too real. He had cried while watching a children's movie about a lion and freaked out when he realized.

He had asked Dean about that. Dean had explained the relationship between tears and emotions while sporting a grimace that made it seem like he was being tortured for information.

Humans are the only beings who can feel utter joy and happiness, which came with the price of being able to feel sadness and crippling pain. Castiel had always known this, but now he understood it.

He sighed and started packing the clothes Sam and Dean had gotten for him from goodwill and Walmart. He had kept a grey AC/DC shirt that Dean had given him the first night he stayed in the bunker. His chest felt warm every time he put the too big garment on.

He packed whatever few belongings he deemed important enough to take with him and the one's he had seen Sam and Dean carry with them on hunting trips. He scouted the area the way Sam showed him using Google maps to find places that a Djinn would consider keeping its victims in. He marked several abandoned warehouses and rundown buildings in Illinois that he would go and take a look at before calling Sam and Dean.

This wouldn't be his first solo hunt since he became a human, nor the first he didn't tell the boys about. They probably didn't care anyway.

He decided against calling them and instead left a note on the fridge.

_Sam and Dean,_

_I'm hunting a Djinn in Illinois._

_-Castiel_

He frowned at the note and wrote down the date just in case they wondered when he left the bunker.

He carried the old duffel that once belonged to Sam and stuck it in the trunk of his Lincoln (or pimp car as Dean called). He had already looked for a motel in the Illinois phone book that he found in the bunker's library. He picked the third motel and called before he arrived to book a room under the name Robert Plant. Dean would be proud of him for remembering the Winchester's code for finding lodging.

In exactly 8 hours and 53 minutes, he was settling down in his room near the fire exit.

He had placed his printed maps on the coffee table and started working on his research.

The latest kidnapping had been a college girl. A witness claimed to have seen a heavily tattooed man shoving the girl into a white van. The witness has also mentioned the use of a blue powder that knocked the girl unconscious. He guessed it had to be the Djinn's hands that had glowed blue when he touched the girl to knock her out. People tend to see what they want to see.

He investigated what antidote was used against the Djinn's poison and started preparing some shots to take with him. He would scout the area and only stop when his new hunger told him to stop. He barely checked out one warehouse before he found himself in a Biggerson's.

"Nice coat."

"Excuse me?" Cas turned to look at his waitress with a frown on his face. The first thing he noticed were her green eyes and freckles that reminded him too much of someone else.

"I said it was a nice coat, not sure it matches with the rest of the outfit though." She smiled and pointed at his jeans and green T-shirt.

Cas had stopped using his suit constantly for fear of ruining it in a fight. He saved his suit for when he needed to play FBI along with the Winchesters or by himself. The coat, he couldn't part with.

"I'm not quite so good at getting dressed." Cas looked down as the waitress filled his cup with coffee.

"Hmm, how about getting undressed?" The blonde waitress winked and bit her lip suggestively. Cas frowned in confusion and tilted his head. Why would that be an important skill?

There was an awkward pause where the waitress slowly became more and more embarrassed until she lowered her head in shame. She shifted nervously on her feet and cleared her throat.

"Uhh… I'm… I'm sorry sir." The waitress blushed and left the bill on his table before running away.

Cas turned in his seat and continued frowning all the way from the dinner to his motel. He considered texting Dean and asking him what that was all about. Dean would understand, he always understands people.

He decided against it, Dean wasn't patient with him anymore. Cas refrained from asking him about human stuff like this ever since Dean snapped at him for not knowing how to clean a gun correctly.

He checked out a rundown building that turned out to be connected with two more buildings that served as several office buildings; but found nothing. He returned to his car and drove to the motel where he changed into Dean's shirt and a new pair of pants.

He laid awake and stared at the brown curtains. One of his hands clutched at his chest, fingers wrapped tightly around the soft fabric. There worst part of sleeping had always been falling asleep. Back when he was homeless he had fallen asleep out of hunger and fatigue, when he was being housed along with other homeless people in a church he had stayed awake until his body shut down on its own.

He had eventually discovered that the best way to fall asleep was not thinking, but wasn't thinking about not thinking considered thinking?

Cas spent half an hour just questioning everything he knew about sleeping until he switched gears to the case and fell asleep around 1 am.

He woke up around 10, ate a cheeseburger he had bought yesterday and drank coffee to wake up fully. He could almost hear Sam groaning about his choice of breakfast. Cas got his keys and the map he had marked earlier and took off to the closest warehouse with his angel blade safely tucked inside his trench coat.

The first four warehouses were free of any supernatural activity. The fifth one, not so much.

The door of the old warehouse that had been used to store paint buckets was unlocked and slightly ajar. The ground had the look of someone trying to wipe away any footsteps with a broomstick. Cas rolled his eyes at the obvious attempt. Not even he was that much of an idiot.

He nudged open the door slowly to keep the hinges from announcing his arrival. He was only going to check if there was anything in here, if he did find anything too big he would call Sam and Dean to help him out. His heartbeat slowed down with the experience gathered in previous skirmishes during his angel days, his human eyes struggled in the dark to pick up anything besides the old buckets and dirt. He made sure his sneakers didn't make a sound as he entered the warehouse.

He heard a moan. A female moan coming from the hall to his left

Ancient paint buckets blocked his path and made makeshift walls to keep him away from the sound. He eventually found a door that lead to what used to be an office. It was wide open, the dust on the floor had been cleared from the door's movement. He unconsciously held his angel blade higher.

The office was filled with old desks and papers were strewn everywhere. There was another door that opened to a smaller and more personal office that had nothing but dust inside. He quickly exited that room to keep himself from being cornered in the small room. A hall in the main office lead him downstairs to the basement. He heard the moan again coming from downstairs and forced himself not to take off running to help the girl. It must be the sound of the college girl waking up from the poison induced dream.

He made his way slowly downstairs and used old boxes to conceal himself from the rest of the room. The metal stairs had not made any sound, and he was grateful for it.

He saw several old mattresses laid down on the floor and people sleeping peacefully on them. Some of them even smiled in their sleep. He shook his head in disgust at the IV lines sucking their blood into bags. He also saw saline bags stuck in their other arms, perhaps to keep them alive longer.

There were at least twenty people sleeping on the dirty mattresses, their bodies showing signs of malnourishment and looking like they were being sucked dry by the IVs.

He heard the moan again accompanied with a sob.

Castiel almost stood up from his spot behind the crates until he heard the door from the office upstairs close with a loud click. He flinched and hid until he could see the newcomer. A female Djinn with workout clothes and blonde hair walked down the stairs and saw the girl trying to wake up.

"Shh, darling, it's alright." The Djinn moved to kneel next to her bed and gently laid a hand on her cheek to wipe her tears.

"Mom, where are you?" The girl sobbed in her half-conscious state, and the Djinn brushed her hair soothingly.

"It's okay baby girl, sleep." The Djinn's tattooed hands glowed along with her eyes. A blue fire emanated from her hand, and she touched the girl's forehead.

Castiel stood up from his spot when the girl fell asleep again. He couldn't risk the girl to announce his arrival. The female Djinn grabbed a blood bag from another person, this one a male in his mid-30s, and drank from it.

Castiel took this moment to stab her from behind, right in the head, with his angel blade.

The Djinn took a sharp intake of breath and fell to the floor, falling on top of the blood bag and spilling it everywhere. Castiel stood next to her body and kneeled down to retrieve his blade, blood quickly surging from the spot where the blade used to be.

He was surprised by a boot colliding with his back and breaking a rib or two with the impact. Castiel turned around and stabbed the new Djinn right in the heart only to find himself surrounded by three more. Castiel struggled to remove his blade from the man's chest but a Djinn hit him in the side before he was able to use his blade. He fell backwards and prepared himself for another Djinn to jump on him.

He stabbed one in the heart when it tried to force him to sleep. The remaining two had the bright idea to hold him while the other made his tattoos light up in a blue glow along with the fire on his hand and touched Castiel's forehead.

Castiel tried to fight the Djinns, but the darkness soon overcame his senses.

He woke up on a mattress. Dean was slapping his cheek repeatedly telling him to wake up.

"C'mon Cas. Wake up man. I need you to wake up. C'mon. Come on. Wake up. Cas." Dean's voice sounded broken, desperate even. His jaw was set tight, and his hands were gentle on Cas.

Cas opened his eyes and saw Dean looking at him worriedly.

"Hello Dean." Cas managed to croak before starting a coughing fit that forced his malnourished body into a fetal position. He looked at the empty mattress next to him, instead of looking at Dean.

"Easy there, tiger." Dean rubbed his back through Cas' T-shirt and used his other hand to pet his hair. "I'm gonna get you out of here."

"Dean...the others..." Cas couldn't finish his sentence, there was pain on his lower abdomen that he knew meant hunger. His throat was dry, and his lips were chapped from dehydration. He wanted to eat something and throw up at the same time, it was the worst feeling he had ever felt.

"Don't talk." Dean brushed his fingers between Castiel's unruly hair. "Sam already gave them the antidote and called 911. We need to get you out of here before the cops arrive and before the sleeping beauties wake up completely."

Cas nodded in understanding and tried to sit up slowly.

"Easy Cas, easy." Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' waist and helped him sit up. Cas frowned at the tenderness of his touch. Dean realized what he was doing and quickly removed his arms.

Dean shouldn't be treating him like that, he should be shouting at him for being stupid and inept.

As if on cue, Dean shoved a hand through his hair and cursed. "Shit Cas, why did you have to be so fucking careless? This was a freaking nest, and you needed to call us before fucking waltzing in like an idiot."

There it was, the angry Dean that he knew.

"Fuck it man." Dean stood up and held a hand out for Cas. Cas took it and Dean hauled him up violently. "Fuck it Cas." He repeated, "We were so freaking worried."

Suddenly Dean wrapped his arms around his shoulders, just the way he did in Purgatory when he finally found him.

It was reassuring, his body felt too weak to keep him standing, but it didn't matter because he had Dean's strong arms pressing him to his chest. Dean was warm against his body. Cas couldn't help but bury his nose in Dean's shoulder, it was a human thing he started doing to explore his new senses. This of course was somewhat different.

"Don't ever do that again." Dean clapped his shoulder and separated himself from Cas to look him in the eye. "Doesn't matter if it's just a ghost you are going after, you call me or Sam. Cas, you listenin' to me?" Cas nodded silently and it apparently was the right thing to do, because Dean hugged him again but tighter.

Dean placed his chin on top of Cas' shoulder and let out an angry sigh. Cas buried his face in the crook of Dean's neck and weakly placed his hands on Dean's waist to finally have something to hold on to.

Dean smelt like leather, like the impala and wood. It was such a manly combination of aromas that Cas had never been aware of as an angel, but had always welcomed as a human.

Dean backed off and punched Cas on the arm. "Good, chick flick moments' over." Dean brushed a hand over his mouth and took a step away from Cas. Cas immediately lost his balance and would've fallen on his ass if Dean hadn't caught him by the arm. "Easy, I've got you." Dean placed Castiel's arm over his shoulder and held his waist to slowly lead Cas upstairs.

There were 6 Djinns heaped in a pile with silver knives sticking out from their heads. He was reminded of the Djinns he'd killed earlier. He frowned because it felt like earlier was just a couple of seconds ago.

What he couldn't accomplish with his million years of experience in battle by himself, two humans did it in one try. Without his angelic powers, he was weak and useless. The Winchesters even kept him from going hunting with them.

It hurt to be filled with self-loathing, but it hurt more knowing that it wasn't misguided.

He wasn't even able to exit the warehouse without having to lean on Dean, who was half carrying him up the stairs.

"Dean," Cas muttered once they were outside. "How did you find me?"

Dean didn't let go of Cas as he walked them to the Impala. "Huh?"

"How did you find me?" Cas frowned in both slight defiance and suspicion. He didn't quite know what he was suspicious of, but he was anyway.

"Came back from ganking that vampire nest in St. Louis and found your note. We freaked out when you didn't answer and used the GPS from your phone." Dean opened the passenger door and helped Cas sit down. "You are so fucking careless, Cas." Dean abruptly slammed the door shut when Cas was comfortable inside.

Cas barely had enough energy to flinch in his weakened state and saw Dean walk to the driver's seat with angry steps. Cas finally noticed that he was not wearing his trench coat and that his sword was gone.

He panicked and started to search his pants for his phone or sword, which was useless because it was obvious that they were not there.

Dean sat down with a grunt and the door creaked as Dean closed it. Cas was still in a panicked state and Dean's anger wavered with confusion.

"What?" Dean looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

"My sword and my coat! Dean! They're missing!" Cas shouted, jumping up from his seat to look at the back seat.

"Come on, calm down for a second Cas. I'm getting a migraine just by looking at you." Dean massaged his temples as if they were actually hurting him.

"I'm sorry if I'm causing you any physical discomfort with my distress Dean!" Cas snapped and stopped looking for nothing in his jeans.

"Shut up, smartass." Dean groaned, "If you would just shut up and listen. Sam has your stuff." He placed a hand on Cas shoulders. "We used the GPS in your phone and found it in your bloodstained coat in the trunk of your car which was in the middle of nowhere by the way about 30 miles from here." Dean saw Cas react with shock and smiled reassuringly. His smile was warm and tender, Cas even dared to call it fond.

"I was so worried Cas." Dean held his shoulder tighter and looked at his hand gripping the steering wheel. "I can't lose you Cas. Not again, anyway. You and Sam are all I've got." Dean sighed and let go of his arm, starting the Impala and sobering up to his usual hard face.

Cas was shocked, he made sure to not make any facial expressions and instead looked out the window.

He had been placed in the same category as Sam. He couldn't believe it.

"We had no leads. So we investigated anything slightly supernatural in Illinois. We took down a Shapeshifter taking money from every store he saw and yet another vampire nest. We found leads on these Djinn assholes and didn't stop checking places until we found you. It felt like a month but I'm not sure how long it was Cas. I'm sorry for taking so long. Sam took a victim in your car because she was in critical condition. A college chick. Poor thing was about to die on us when we found her." Dean shook his head as he drove. "Where are you crashing? I hope you payed extra and left a credit card for the extra days." Cas nodded silently. "Where are you staying?"

"The Pelican... I picked the third motel in the phonebook." Cas turned to Dean in time to see the quirk of his lip.

"What name did you use?" Dean was excited and genuinely proud of Cas for remembering that small thing about the Winchesters.

"Uhh... Robert Plant..." Cas murmured and Dean broke down laughing and almost drove off the road. "Dean, be careful! You just saved me don't be so quick to undo it!"

"Oh my god, Cas!" Dean ignored the comment and tried to stop laughing. "The Zep vocalist? Did the guy even notice the name was weird?"

"I'm... not sure." Cas frowned and Dean laughed again. It was nice seeing Dean laughing instead of angry or painfully worried. He didn't care that Dean was laughing about him.

Cas smiled.

* * *

"Hey... so... do you wanna head out to the hospital?" Dean looked at Cas sideways without really taking his eyes from the road. He had been driving straight to the motel, but became worried when Cas kept to himself and leaned against the window.

"Are you actually asking me or telling me? You have probably already made the decision. I'm guessing if I refuse you'll argue with me and take me there anyway." Cas sighed, "but I'm okay Dean. Just hungry and dehydrated."

Dean automatically reached for a water bottle from the cooler in the back seat. He stuck his tongue out while he was multitasking between keeping the car steady and rummaging through beer bottles. He finally found the water bottle, and instead of giving it to Cas right away, he struggled to open it one handed.

Cas just stared at him with wide eyes and accepted the bottle with a mumbled thank you.

"Alright then, I'll buy you some cheeseburgers from a drive through and ask if they have pie. You know... for the protein." Dean shrugged and started looking for a fast food restaurant while biting his lower lip.

Cas was shocked.

"You are not going to argue with me?" Dean didn't respond, "Huh."

"What?" Dean snapped.

"Nothing." Cas looked away.

"What Cas?" Dean snapped more forcefully, "you think I should have to argue with you about this?" Cas shrugged. "Listen, they are just going to stick some IV shit and give you crappy hospital food. Plus I haven't faked any insurance for you yet." Dean shrugged.

Cas rolled his eyes and waited for Dean to continue talking.

"Last time you were hospitalized you were tagged as John Doe and then practically escaped before anyone said anything." Dean smiled in a self-deprecating amusement, "I just realized I never asked you about that."

Cas just stared at Dean once again, his mouth was hanging slightly open and Dean reached over to gently close his mouth with his fingertips. His touch left his skin tingling and he felt rather than saw his deep blush crawling from his neck to his cheekbones.

Dean turned in his seat to look at him and noticed his blush right away. Dean chuckled and stopped in a drive-through and ordered enough burgers and fries for 4 people. Cas didn't complain as he munched happily on his cheeseburger and Dean picked at the fries.

They arrived at the motel and asked for an extra key at the lobby. The boy at the desk barely asked them for the name the room was under and they took off.

Dean left Cas on one of the beds and excused himself to call Sam.

He came back and started taking off the top layers of clothes and his shoes. Dean sat down next to Cas and grabbed a cheeseburger.

"All right, so Sam has the key to our room and I'm too tired to wait for him. We are staying upstairs just so you know. Kinda ironic that we never thought of finding your motel room." Dean shrugged and started eating his cheeseburger.

Cas was munching on some fries and admiring Dean's jawline as he ate.

"Does... that mean you are staying?" Cas swallowed and took a sip from his large soda.

"If you don't have a problem with it." Dean licked his lips and stared at Castiel's. Cas swallowed again and struggled to think about a reason for Dean to look at his lips. "Dude... ummm." Dean muttered something and Cas tilted his head, "you have some cheese and salt from the fries right here." Dean scratched the corner of his lips.

Cas wiped the wrong side of his face

"No, the other side." Cas lowered his hand and wiped his chin, "no, Cas." Cas wiped the right corner, but didn't clean anything. "You've gotta be kidding me!" Dean took his hand in his and used his other hand to wipe the corner of his lip gently looking at Cas for any reason to back off.

Cas was about to say something when his head began to hurt, and his eye started to ache as if he had been awake for days..

Then, right in the middle of the bed, a young brunette girl appeared. She was about 19 years old wearing an Illinois State University sweatshirt and jeans. She was on her side, her leg bent at an awkward angle, and she was staring blankly at the ceiling.

"Cas what's wrong?" Dean placed his hand on Cas' shoulder and squeezed it gently, his eyes were warm and he was frowning with worry.

"I- um..." I don't think you saw the girl. I don't believe this is real. You are never this nice to me. Who is she? Is she the girl I was looking for, the college girl? What's going on?

Damn it, there was so much he wanted to say, but at the same time he felt too confused with himself to do so..

"Cas is it the dream you had? What did the Djinn show you? Was it a nightmare?" Dean placed his other hand on his knee, not something he hadn't done before. The last time he did that was when he was murdered by April.

"I don't recall what my Djinn induced dream was about." It was the truth, he had wondered why he didn't remember such a thing and brushed it away as a human reflex to something traumatic. "It-" his voice cracked "was probably a nightmare and that's why I don't remember."

"Hey it's okay, Cas." Dean reassured him with a smile, "I'm here to keep your nightmares away, Cas." Dean smiled shyly and leaned forward slightly. Cas was shocked and awed, Dean was going to kiss him. Dean Winchester, hunter extraordinaire and righteous man, wanted to kiss Castiel, fallen angel and crappy human being.

Wait, no. Dean didn't want that.

With that thought in mind he wasn't surprised that Dean wasn't quite leaning towards him, but leaning forward to reach for a cheeseburger.

"You gonna eat this one? You've already had three and on your starved stomach I don't think it was such a good idea to eat so much." Dean shrugged. "You'll probably vomit or have diarrhea tomorrow." Dean grinned teasingly and stood up to clean the mess they made with the food on the bed. Dean wolfed down his cheeseburger and finished his beer before dropping everything in the trashcan and putting the leftovers in the fridge.

He was still smiling at his own joke. "Heh," he laughed and shook his head "if you do have any of that tell me and I'll get you some medicine. If you don't then I'll take you out for breakfast." Dean winked at him in a friendly way and stood up. "I'm going to use bathroom first, just chill in there and then take a shower." Dean scratched his head and started walking to the bathroom.

"Yes, mom." Who said ex-angels can't do sarcasm?

"Smartass." Dean grumbled before slamming the door shut.

Cas deflated with a sigh and leaned back on his bed.


	2. “Coat Check Dream Song” - Bright Eyes

Castiel had learned in a TV show (Oprah) that the best way to relax your mind and come up with a solution to a problem was to make a mental list of facts. You could do it to form a comparison between two different things, like say… an iPhone vs any other phone. The sole purpose of the list is to know which one is better; or the alternative which is to realize that you really don't give a flying fuck and you are getting the first one because it comes in rose gold and it's cuter. That's it, that's why it helps.

 

Cas had never tried this small mental exercise in his long life. He had never been forced to over analyze situations that were not battle related. He trusted his superiors and that was it.

 

Right now he could barely trust himself.

 

He was either dreaming thanks to a Djinn or he was finally going crazy because his human brain couldn't cope with his actual age. With that thought in mind, he started to form his mental list in chronological order.

  * He had been hunting a Djinn.
  * He found several Djinns in an abandoned warehouse with several victims.
  * He fought said Djinns and lost.
  * A Djinn kicked him and broke his ribs.
  * Cas didn’t feel any pain… neither did he have bruises of any kind.
  *  A Djinn used it's mojo on him. He remembered that as if it had been a couple of seconds ago. The problem was that he either doesn't truly remember his dream or he is in a dream.
  * He saw a college girl in the next bed and then she disappeared. Dean mentioned having similar hallucinations when trapped in the Djinn's dream and explained them as "peeks into reality".
  * Dean is being extra nice to him.



The physical contact wasn't something that had never happened before. The only thing Dean was doing differently was touching his chin and lips. Cas felt his skin tingle in response to the memories and cursed his human body silently.

 

Being human meant being able to appreciate beauty in the deepest sense of the word. As an angel he had appreciated the simple things in life like bees, music, and animals in general. As an angel, he had just known that Dean was pleasing to look at, like his whole body had been handcrafted to be the most beautiful thing in creation. He had never actually reacted to that.

 

Now he was hyper aware of how beautiful Dean was, how deep his voice was and how he loved to hear him sing, how his smile was something rare and that he cursed himself for not being able to see it more. He knew that Dean’s skin was soft to the touch and how his body was covered by freckles that just added to Dean’s beauty. He felt compelled to look at Dean’s eyes more than he used to do. They were such a delightful color, it was this warm green that called to him. With his grace, he would have never been able to call a color “warm”.

 

It was not just sexual attraction, he knew what that was thanks to April and that hooker that Dean got for him. Sexual attraction was superficial and not that big of a deal.

 

He craned his neck to look at the bathroom door and sobered up.

 

This Dean was starting to look happier, he smiled more, and acted nicer towards him.

 

All right state the facts. What's not so different?

 

  * Most of his body language hadn't changed, except for the fingers in his face. Dean had always liked to grab his shoulder or hold his knee, Cas didn't mind.
  * Dean looked exactly like Dean, but that could be because it's his subconscious. Maybe if he thought real hard about changing Dean's physical appearance it would happen just because it was a dream.



 

With that thought in mind Cas closed his eyes and focused. He looked up and basically jumped in surprise when Dean walked in nothing but his towel tied around his waist.

 

Cas gasped, he couldn't help that he looked like a fish out of water. It wasn't because he hadn't seen Dean shirtless before, the last time had been when Sam had forced them to jog with him at 6 am.

* * *

  _Dean had taken a step into the bunker and was already stripping his hoodie and shirt while complaining loudly._

 

_"What's the purpose of taking off your clothes?" Cas asked with a frown, "They are already sweaty and generally in a gross state after doing exercise, so I don’t see why it would help. Your body heat will not change abruptly just because you took off a cotton shirt." Cas attempted not to stare, Dean always complained._

 

_He couldn't help it, Dean looked gorgeous shirtless and sweaty. His muscles shining and his skin begging to be touched. Cas’ throat had gone dry, and so he had turned his attention to an amused Sam. Cas’ frown deepened._

 

_"Because they are gross Cas." Dean snapped, "I don't like how a sweaty shirt feels on my body."_

 

_"Then why do you exercise with a shirt?' Cas returned his stare to Dean and tilted his head with a frown of confusion. Dean blushed and his eyes widened._

 

_"Because it's decent to do so, Cas!" Dean snapped again._

 

_Cas had again tried not to stare at Dean's abdomen. He wasn't built like him or Sam. His body wider and stronger looking despite the extra fatty tissue that made his body look soft and approachable._

 

_Approachable? Uhh... what?_

 

_Cas shrugged and took off to the showers without a word._

 

_“Who cares about being decent these days?” Cas murmured while he walked away._

 

_Dean let out an exasperated groan and Sam had laughed and clapped Dean on the shoulder._

  

* * *

 

That had been 2 days before the boys took off.

 

No one could get a six pack so fast without selling their soul to a demon.

 

Cas stared hard, the muscles on Dean’s abdomen looked just perfect. He didn't quite look like a bodybuilder, just the perfect amount of muscle and fat on his abdomen. Too perfect, he had always liked Dean the way he was.

 

"Hey Cas, do you have a T-shirt I could borrow?" Dean asked with raised eyebrows and Cas pointed at his duffel bag sitting next to a small pile of dirty clothes.

 

Dean turned around, his back and arm muscles flexing with the movement. Cas gulped and kept staring as Dean fished a black oversized T-shirt

 

“Dean, how long was I out?” Cas asked while Dean rummaged through his stuff.

 

“Uhh… I’m not sure.” Dean shrugged, the muscles on his back flexing beautifully. “A month? Or more… like forty days. I don't know man.” Dean turned around as if to give Cas a look at his abdomen.

 

It was back to its normal state, with its usual softness and less marked muscles. Cas blinked, what the hell just happened?

 

Dean raised an eyebrow when he was half dressed again. Cas just stared.

 

"Dude stop staring so much, we've talked about this. It's creepy." Cas nodded but couldn't find it in himself to stop.

 

Dean huffed and went back to the bathroom.

 

Ok, he had focused hard enough to change a thing about the dream. Turns out he is not in complete control because his head hurt with the effort and he had no idea how he did it.

 

It doesn't look like a nightmare yet. Unless Dean abruptly died in the shower. Cas stared at the bathroom door for any signs of sudden death, but didn't hear anything.

 

This must be a dream then... but why such a normal setting? Dean had dreamed of a completely different life where his mom and Jess lived and Sam was a lawyer. Charlie had dreamed that she was in some sort of horror video game and couldn't wake up because it was a nightmare.

  

Dean had woken up by killing himself. If Cas was wrong about this and did actually killed himself, well... Cas was too curious about the dream to stop it anyway. He supposed not much time could have gone by on the real world and shrugged. He wanted to know what the Djinn saw as his perfect world. Maybe some angels were alive! He clearly doesn't have his grace back, but it doesn't matter.

 

Dean came back to the room in black boxers and the borrowed shirt. "Your turn buddy."

 

Cas took a shower and dressed himself in Dean's old AC/DC shirt and black pants. He found Dean standing next to the coffee table with the maps. His shoulders looked tense and so he brushed his fingers against his shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

 

Dean jumped and turned around to look at Cas from head to toe. His lip formed a cocky grin and his tongue darted out to lick his lips.

 

"Heh, you look good in my clothes Cas."  Dean grinned at Cas who frowned.

 

“I know it’s polite to say ‘thank you’ after getting a compliment, but uhh yes... thanks Dean.” Cas cleared his throat and took a step forward to stand besides Dean. “What are you looking at?”

 

“I was just thinking that you are really good at this.” Dean looked at the maps and printed records and pictures of missing people. “You managed to separate the supernatural disappearances with the others. How much time did you spend on this?”

 

“I spent a week doing research at the bunker and then took off. I found the Djinns in two days.” Cas pointed at the university and the places where other victims disappeared from, “It was easy to find the right warehouse once I connected the victims to certain places.” He pointed at the warehouses he checked and then the one where Dean had found him in. “I was going to call you when I found this one, but I was reckless and got attacked by a large group of Djinns.” Dean nodded in understanding and placed a hand on Castiel’s shoulders.

 

“Happens to the best of us.” Cas nodded half-heartedly and shifted his stance to look at Dean.

 

Dean looked tired and worried. Cas wondered how much Dean wasn’t telling him. He guessed that Dean hadn’t been sleeping much during the time he spent looking for him. Cas wanted to say something, anything.

 

“I’m sorry,” well not that, but it was something. Wasn’t this a dream? Weren’t you supposed be able to control dreams? Oh right this is not his dream, it was the Djinn’s dream and he was just the main character.

 

Cas felt his knees buckle under him with the effort of standing up for too long. He was feeling slightly dizzy and felt like he was about to fall unconscious any second now. Dean didn't let him fall, instead he placed Cas' head on his shoulder and took hold of his waist to keep him standing up. Cas didn’t have it in himself to protest.

 

"Let's get you to bed, huh sleeping beauty?" Dean winked at Cas who frowned.

 

"I don't understand that reference and you've said it twice... but I'm too tired to care enough to ask you to elaborate," Cas mumbled as Dean slowly walked them to one of the beds.

 

Dean laughed and Cas was able to feel his laugh in the way his chest moved, how his arms had tightened and how the hot breath on his neck hit him in sharp bursts of laughter.

 

Dean helped Cas under the covers a little clumsily. He placed a hand on Cas' forehead and ruffled his hair.

 

“Night Cas.” Dean patted his hair and smiled sadly at Cas.

 

“Good night Dean.” Dean ruffled his hair once more and Cas fell asleep right away.

 

Cas didn't remember Dean moving to his own bed, he was afraid of waking up (or not waking up for that matter) and not being in the motel room.

 

He opened his eyes and looked at the adjacent motel bed. He saw Dean asleep on top of the covers, he was cuddling a pillow between his legs and stomach and held the other to his face in a choke hold. It was still nighttime and so he didn’t want to wake Dean up, he looked like he hadn’t slept in a while. Cas stood up to fetch a cheeseburger and brought it back to his bed. He wolfed it down and covered only his legs with the covers.

 

So much movement woke Dean up. He mumbled something terribly incoherent and squinted in the dark until he saw Cas sitting on his bed.

 

“Cas, buddy, what's up?” Dean frowned at the red numbers of the alarm clock and groaned at the number 2 in it.

 

“Nothing, go back to sleep.” Cas threw away the paper from his cold burger and it magically hit the trashcan.

 

“Nuh uh, something's up with you, Cas.” Dean shoved the pillows from his bed away and half crawled to Cas’ bed to sit next to him on top of the covers. “And I’m not leavin’ ‘til you tell me.” Dean grabbed the pillow next to Cas and held it in his arms.

 

“Nothing, Dean. I’m fine.” Cas shifted his sitting position to lay down on his back and stare at the ceiling.

 

“Are you doin’ that to dismiss me? Well I’ve got bad news for your stubborn ass, buddy.” Dean shifted so that he was laying on his side and looking at Cas with the pillow clutched to his chest. “I’m a stubborn ass, too.”

 

“So you accept that you are an ass?” Cas asked with a smile.

 

“Fucking smartass, I can’t believe it...” Dean hit his face with his palm and groaned. Cas chuckled.

 

"I'm okay, Dean," Cas mumbled.

 

"You know what's not okay, Cas?" Dean raised an eyebrow and pointed at the bed, "This is. Two grown ass men sharing a bed in a motel when there's another one perfectly empty in the same room. You better tell me what's eating you man so I can leave." Dean did his “or else” face which didn't work because Cas laughed.

 

"I was an angel of the Lord, I think I know what's wrong or right; and this is not so wrong." Cas shrugged, and Dean scoffed.

 

"Says the guy who opened up Purgatory." Dean deadpanned.

 

"Says the man who jump started the apocalypse." Cas shot back with a smug grin.

 

"Fuck you, Cas." Dean groaned and hit his forehead against Cas' shoulder. He was actually shaking from laughter and not letting out more than a small chuckle. They laid there for a while just resting. Dean was about to fall asleep, but he didn't want to sleep on the same bed as Cas, it was just wrong to do so.  

 

"Are you telling me why you are up?" Dean propped himself on an elbow and looked at Cas in the dark.

 

“I, uhh, I was hungry.” Cas lied, tensing up in attempts to hide it. Dean of course felt his shoulder tense.

 

“Bullshit.” Dean mumbled, he sounded so tired that Cas didn’t want to keep him awake for more time.

 

“Dean go to sleep, I’m fine.” Cas gently pushed his shoulder with his hand to coerce him to go to his own bed. Dean didn’t move. Cas’ heart wasn’t in it anyway.

 

“Nope, I’m not leaving until you tell me what's up.” Dean snorted and closed his eyes with a sigh.  His nose itched and, instead of using his hand, he nuzzled Cas’ shoulder. Cas closed his eyes and tried his best not to lean his head towards Dean.

 

“Dean-” Cas started to complain.

 

“Cas, I’m tired, just tell what’s up.” Dean half snapped half mumbled into his arm (in a completely platonic way according to Dean).

 

“Why do you care Dean?” Cas grumbled getting annoyed by Dean’s stubbornness and feeling exhausted.

 

“‘Cause you are family Cas.” Dean propped his chin in Cas’ shoulder closer to look into his blue eyes. They couldn’t see each other well in the darkness, but it was enough to make Cas give up entirely. He sighed loudly and Dean placed his forehead back in Cas’ shoulder. "Talk to me, Cas."

 

"I was afraid that I would wake up alone in that warehouse with a Djinn forcing me to sleep." Which was practically the truth. He just didn't want to wake up outside of his dream.

 

"Hey, I'm here, Cas." Dean mumbled in Cas' shoulder. He wasn't cuddling Cas, ok? Dean Winchester was not a cuddler. He was just pressing his forehead against Castiel's shoulder. It was perfectly manly. Plus, it didn't count as sharing a bed unless the two of them were under the covers in Dean's book.

 

There was nothing he could have said in that moment. Cas was utterly confused and awed by that comment. He didn’t quite know what Dean meant, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care anyway. Dean never attempted to remove his head from his shoulder and Cas didn’t attempt to make Dean leave his bed.

  
  
Neither of them realized when the other fell asleep. Dean’s body in an awkward position in attempts to keep some personal space, pillow tucked between their bodies as an extra barrier to keep them separated.


	3. “Peaceful Easy Feeling” - The Eagles

There was something particularly wet on his shoulder, but that wasn't what woke him up. It was something heavy between his hands, something warm and strong. He was holding Dean’s hand awkwardly, barely holding onto his thumb and the back of his palm. Dean’s fingers clutched at his shirt unconsciously, like he was afraid that Cas would suddenly disappear. Cas looked at Dean and saw him drooling and gently snoring on his arm. He smiled fondly and leaned forward to rest his nose in Dean’s hair. He must have been cold or something during the night because he had one leg on top of Cas above the covers and had wormed his other arm under his body.

 

Cas smiled again and closed his eyes to savor the sensation. This would never happen in real life or with a fully conscious Dean who always reminded him what personal space was. Cas forced himself to keep his body from tensing up. He didn't want to wake Dean. He particularly enjoyed the weight of Dean’s leg on his own for some reason; Cas wasn’t sure why.

 

Despite trying not to wake him up, Cas raised his free arm to run his fingers through Dean’s hair. The hunter mumbled something incoherent and smiled in his sleep. Cas grinned at finally doing something right. Dean inched closer to Cas’ body and tried to get closer despite the covers separating them, he looked slightly annoyed that he couldn’t get any closer or tangle his legs around Cas. His knee was trying to force itself between and under Cas’s legs.

 

Dean woke up and grunted something that sounded suspiciously like “fucking covers” and fell back asleep when he placed his body half on top of Cas. He laughed because Dean was clearly too tired to be fully awake or he would have distanced himself from Cas to keep his macho semblance.

 

Cas shifted his body to be able to wrap an arm around Dean and still hold his hand awkwardly, he could blame it on a simple human reflex later when they both woke up. Cas sighed and fell back asleep with a smile on his features.

* * *

 

Dean woke up a couple hours later and nuzzled his nose against someone’s chest. There was someone really warm and firm next to him. He held this someone tighter and sighed comfortably. Wait… that someone was Cas. Dean’s head snapped and Cas woke up because of the sudden movement. Dean was groggy, but he managed to look at Cas like a deer caught in the headlights. Cas was wide eyed from the scare Dean gave him and looked quite stunned.

 

“Uhh… mornin’.” Dean grumbled and looked down to look at his hand clutching Cas’ shirt tightly and Cas’ hand wrapped around the same hand awkwardly. “Uhh… sorry,” Dean let go of his AC/DC shirt and Cas let go of his hand with a blush. Dean looked to his lower body resting on top of Cas with the covers between them. “I’m sorry about that too.” Dean stuttered before slowly backing up.

 

They both immediately missed the warmth, but neither said anything.

 

“It’s fine Dean.” Cas said in a rough voice. He found that he hated mornings because his voice always sounded deeper and raspier.

 

“Uhh.. okay then.” Dean brushed his neck awkwardly. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Huh?” Cas looked at Dean with his usual confused frown. Dean chuckled and groaned.

 

“Your stomach Cas. Remember what I told you last night?” Dean raised an eyebrow in questioning.

 

“That I’m like family.” Cas murmured and Dean’s face slowly turned sad and pained. Cas figured it was the wrong thing to assume. “I-ah I'm sorry Dean. I didn’t want to assume that I was-”

 

“Shut up, you freaking idiot.” Dean snapped angrily, “you are not _ like _ family.” He emphasized the word “like”, but Cas didn’t realize the meaning behind it.

 

Cas slowly sat up and was about to flee to the bathroom when a pair of strong arms pulled him back to the bed. Soon enough Dean was pinning Cas against the mattress with a hand on each shoulder. Cas started struggling to get away from Dean, he was breathing hard and closing his eyes as tightly as he could.

 

This was not a dream, Dean didn’t really care that much. This was a nightmare, or worse: real life.

 

“Fuck, Cas stop it!” He straddled Cas and used his body weight to keep him completely still. “You are not LIKE family. You are more than family Cas.”

 

“Then what am I, Dean?” Cas shouted while being afraid of the answer, his fear increased when Dean closed his eyes and took a shuddering breath.

 

“You are… you are you, Cas.” Dean opened his eyes and slowly moved one hand to stroke his face. His stubble grazed the back of his fingers, making a scraping sound. “You are my best friend.” Dean’s other hand slowly moved to take a hold of his waist, “and you look fucking gorgeous in my clothes.”

 

“Why does that matter?” Cas frowned and looked at Dean. He tilted his head when Dean laughed.

 

“Oh believe me, it matters.” Dean lowered his face slowly, silently judging his reaction to the sudden proximity. His eyes focused on his lips and the hand stroking his cheek shifted places to gently part his lips with a thumb on his lower lip.

 

Cas’ heart was beating faster and there was heat emanating from his chest and crawling it’s way up to his neck and face like electricity. Dean grinned wolfishly and slowly pressed his lips to his. Cas couldn't believe how full and soft Dean’s lips were. His brain just stopped working, his mind went blank. Cas was tense and slightly afraid. Dean felt his lack of reaction and broke the one-sided kiss.

 

“Fuck, Cas I'm so sorry… I didn’t… I thought you-” Dean stammered his way to a sitting position, still straddling Cas. “I’m sorry man. It’s just that you look so fucking good with my shirt and your hair like that. Shit now I sound like a fucking chick flick. Next thing you know I'm gonna start singing praise to your blue eyes or some bullshit like that. Fuck I just did it. I-uhh… I’m sorry.” Cas sat up with slow movements. Dean stopped breathing when Cas placed a hand on his jaw. They just looked at each other until Dean groaned a “fuck you Cas” and leaned over to kiss him again. This time more forcefully and demanding.

 

Cas slowly felt his body react by attempting to kiss Dean back. His hands took hold of Dean’s waist gingerly, afraid of being too forward with Dean. He was so happy, he didn’t even know this was what he wanted. This. Just this. Dean kissing him, showing Cas that he cared, showing him love. Cas smiled into the kiss and Dean gave a deep chuckle that Cas felt vibrating from Dean’s chest.

 

“Heh, guess I can’t say I’m sorry for that.” Dean joked, pressing their foreheads together and closing his eyes.

 

“You only need to apologize for wrongdoings Dean.” Cas added.

 

“Smartass.” Dean grumbled.

 

“There’s nothing smart about my ass.” Cas smiled.

 

“No, but but you are acting like an ass and you are also incredibly smart.” Dean commented before kissing Cas again. This time, Cas didn’t hesitate to kiss him back and hold Dean closer to him.

 

His happiness suddenly died in his chest as he was reminded of the girl he had seen last night. Cas stopped broke the kiss with a Dean who wasn’t even Dean. Dean didn’t notice the sudden change and moved to kiss his neck hungrily.

 

“Dean, I need to use the bathroom.” Cas whispered to a Dean who was busy trying to leave a hickey on his neck.

 

“Now? Of all times?” Dean didn't stop sucking his skin. His hands had slowly turned to massage Cas’ hips and stomach. Cas tensed up and tried not to enjoy it too much.

 

“Yes, Dean.” Cas groaned when Dean found a particularly sensitive spot on his neck and one of his hands went to grab his hair. “Unless you want me to urinate on you, then I advise you to let me go.” Dean groaned and stopped moving; he sighed and rested his forehead against his collarbone.

 

“Please tell me you are not rejecting me.” Dean whispered, his voice breaking with emotion. Dean looked so… vulnerable in this moment. It was so uncharacteristic of him.

 

“I think rejection looks different than what I am doing right now.” Cas muttered half heartedly.

 

“Cas… your people skills are rusty.” Dean groaned and stood up clumsily. “Take a shower while you are at it. I’m taking you out for breakfast.” Dean visibly perked up at the mention of food. Cas grinned for the first time in a long time. He figured out that if this was a dream then it didn’t really matter what he did. He reached over and kissed Dean’s lips tenderly. Dean sighed and closed his eyes, biting his lower lip when the kiss was over. “Go away man.” Dean licked his lips and watched as Cas moved to the bathroom.

 

Once in the bathroom, Cas sat on the toilet seat, placed his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. He knew far too well what a dream looked like. There was just this brightness and slight comfortable feeling that accompanied dreams. He never really remember his own dreams that were not nightmares, but he remembered what Dean’s dreams had looked like. It felt close to being in heaven, this feeling that time moves differently and nothing can really hurt you.

 

Cas felt safe here. He wanted to enjoy this Dean as much as he could. He wanted to be selfish and live in the lie, wanted to die in the Djinn’s hands after living his fantasy instead of suffering until he eventually got killed by a supernatural being.

 

When he exited the bathroom, Dean was pacing and muttering something that sounded like "stupid" over and over again.

 

Cas lifted an eyebrow and tilted his head. Dean turned around and stopped pacing when he saw Cas in a just his towel.

 

"Why are you pacing?" Cas asked.

 

"The same reason why I'm gonna need a really cold shower." Dean blushed and practically ran to the shower.

 

Cas just stood there confused, not really knowing what he meant... and then it hit him. Cas blushed and quickly searched for his clean clothes. He picked some navy baggy pants with lots of bags, a grey shirt and a black jacket to go over it. He felt slightly unprotected without his trench coat, but Sam had it. It was probably filthy with dirt and blood anyway.

 

Dean exited the shower dressed only in yesterday's jeans and his phone in his hand. Cas tried not to stare at his abdomen.

 

"Hey Sam" a pause, Sam was talking. "Yeah, I stayed with Cas." Another pause, "no, he looks fine. I'm going out for breakfast with Cas." A pause to which Dean rolled his eyes. "Well I wasn't aware that you already ate nor do I give a fuck." A small pause, "I can use the word nor as aggressive as I want to." A longer pause, Dean smiled. "Really? Wow you are such a nice guy Sammy. Thanks for that. Are you taking the pimpmobile? .... your funeral. Meet you later in our room. We gotta pack." Dean needed the call and smiled at Cas. "Hey, Cas? Can I borrow another shirt? Sam left me out of my room again." Dean smiled apologetically and Cas nodded.

 

Cas fished a grey shirt with the design of a black dove holding some kind of plant in its beak and handed it to Dean. He shrugged it on, unknowingly flexing all his muscles when Cas was about to hand him a red flannel shirt. Cas was reminded that he was actually allowed to kiss Dean, to show and receive affection. He was allowed to do whatever he wanted in this dream. It was a surreal feeling that both scared him and made him feel ecstatics.

 

Cas fidgeted a bit until he grabbed the hem of Dean's shirt. He knew he probably looked as scared as he felt. Dean raised his other hand to take a hold of the red flannel, but froze midway. He was looking at Cas expectantly and slightly nervous.

 

Cas let out one hollow, rueful laugh. This was a dream and even in it he was a coward. He shook his head and reached over to kiss Dean fiercely. Dean gasped and soon enough tried to take over the kiss. Cas groaned into the kiss and did his best to be the one to lead it. It became a slight battle of lips and hands, both trying to take and give everything they had.

 

Dean pulled away breathlessly and chuckled.

 

“Heh, you are a fast learner.” Dean smiled against Cas' forehead.

 

“Of course.” Cas replied and rested his head on Dean’s collarbone.

 

“Smartass.” Dean mumbled into his hair. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas in a comforting embrace. He felt warm and cozy in Dean’s arms.

 

“You’ve been calling me that a lot lately.” Cas mumbled in Dean’s shoulder, his mouth close to kissing his neck. He wanted to kiss him, but he was still slightly in shock and uncomfortable with the whole situation.

 

“You’ve been acting a lot like that lately,” Dean ran his hands through Cas’ hair, eliciting a sigh out of him. “Not that I’m complaining, you look really hot when you do that.” Dean laid a kiss on his hair and held him tighter.

 

Cas just wanted to stay there forever, he had never experienced this before… whatever “this” was. He guessed that this need to stay in the dream was in part aided by the Djinn poison that coursed through his veins. He found that he didn't care… there wasn't anything waiting for him in the real world. He was a lousy hunter. He has no grace. Most of the people he calls “brothers and sisters” hated his guts or were scared to be near him.

 

He had never asked for that, to be hated. The only conscious decision he had ever made was falling and falling in love with humanity.

 

“Cas?” Dean rubbed his shoulder tenderly. “You ok?”

 

“Huh?” Dream Dean was asking something, he had been too distracted to actually pay attention.

 

“Are you alright?” Dean frowned in worry, “You look a bit off.” Dean rubbed his hands over his back and Cas pulled back to look at Dean.

 

The sun light hit Dean’s eyes gently, the green looked even brighter than it usually was. Cas wanted to laugh, because it was such a cliché. Bright eyes being illuminated by the sun was something that always seemed to happen so easily in romantic movies while in reality it was slightly uncomfortable. He had spent far too much time watching TV and Metatron had also given him enough information on pop culture to know what a cliché this was.

 

Cas nodded grudgingly and Dean squeezed his bicep in response.

 

“You still wanna go out for breakfast?” Dean asked carefully with a small smile. Cas nodded happily and let Dean lead them to the Impala. He took them to the Biggerson’s Cas had visited days ago. He silently wondered how many days it had been.

 

It was a Saturday morning and the place was full of people. They sat in one of the smaller tables in the middle on the restaurant. They sat as close as they could on the small table despite the fact that it was made to have 1 person on each side. They were both basically sitting in the corner of the table.

 

“Hi welcome to Biggerson’s!” The blonde waitress with green eyes and freckles handed them the menus with a huge smile plastered on her beautiful face. “Here are your menus! We have a special 2x1 promotion if you order the same plate.” She seemed to recognize Cas, who of course hadn't even paid attention to her. “Hey! Nice to see you again! I must say that you look better today.” She winked at him and gave him a full on body scan with her eyes.

 

Cas turned to look at her with a wide eyed look. He wasn't really expecting to see her again, not even in his dream. He saw how Dean raised an eyebrow and tried to hold in an amused smile.

 

“Uhh… thanks?” Cas smiled reluctantly. Dean looked away trying not to laugh.

 

“Alrighty! I'll be back to take your order in a bit.” She smiled again keeping her eye contact only with Cas. “I'm Ashley and I'll be yours for today.” She winked at Cas and turned around.

 

“Oh my God!” Dean laughed once she was out of earshot. “Did she just say “I'll be yours”? What the hell?” He grinned at Cas who was frowning. “She is trying so hard it's kinda sad man.” Dean was full on laughing now.

 

They chose whatever they wanted and Dean motioned for the waitress to take their order.

 

“Great!” She smiled, “I'll be back with your food in a mo’!” She gently placed a hand on Cas’s shoulder and gave him a sensual smile. Cas gulped and looked away. Dean glared at her back, but otherwise kept himself silent.

 

“I'm starting to dislike the attention.” Cas muttered. Dean huffed in response.

 

“Well I know something that would stop her from trying that again.” Dean snapped while keeping an eye out for the waitress.

 

“What are you going to do?” Cas asked, he was slightly worried for the waitress now that he saw how angry Dean was.

 

“You'll see, Cas.” Dean smiled sideways and winked at Cas.

 

The waitress was coming with their food and Dean grinned at Cas. Cas blinked twice, not sure what Dean was about to do. Dean stood up from his chair and leaned over the table to pull Cas by his shirt and kiss him. It was a hungry kiss, like he was trying to claim Cas in front of everyone.

 

It ended quickly and Cas was left gasping for air. His lips were read and shiny thanks to Dean. He looked at Dean with a surprised look. Dean smiled shyly and grabbed his hand gently on top of the table. Cas smiled at the gesture and smiled back at Dean.

 

The blonde waitress cleared her throat and left their food on the table without saying anything. Dean chuckled when she left and leaned forward again to gently press his lips against Cas’ cheek.

 

They ate in peace after that, Dean pressing his knee against Cas gently. Cas had troubles with trying not to smile too much. They left the waitress a generous tip. Dean claimed that he had been too mean to her.

 

They got back to the motel and went to find Sam in his room.

 

“Hey Cas! How are you feeling?” Sam placed his hand on Cas’ shoulder and smiled gently. “I was so worried about you Cas. It's good to see you man.” Sam slapped his arm and turned to Dean.

 

“Did you do the thing?” Dean asked him.

 

“I did the thing.” Sam grinned at Dean and Cas just looked confused.

 

“Great! Where is it?” Dean asked. Sam smiled and went to the closet to get something.

 

He returned with the trench coat inside a plastic dry-cleaning bag. Cas looked at his perfectly clean coat and then at Sam with wide eyes.

 

“We figured that it would be hard to clean it back home and well…” Sam handed out the coat to Cas.

 

“We never really do nice things for you so… yeah.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and smiled while looking down at his shoes.

 

Cas stared at them and gently placed the coat on the bed. He saw Sam and Dean sharing worried looks, but he didn't care. He wrapped his arms around both of them and tried his best to hug them tightly. They both laughed and held Cas in a hug.

 

“Thank you guys.” Cas murmured to Dean’s neck.

 

“It was Dean’s idea.” Sam seemed to feel awkward and slowly freed himself from the hug. Cas took the idea and held onto Dean tightly.

 

“Thank you Dean.” Cas murmured and buried his face in the crook of his neck. Dean chuckled lightly and held Cas tighter.

 

“You know what?” Sam spoke “Why don't I take Cas’ car back to the bunker? He must be tired from getting kidnapped and all that.”

 

“Sam, I don't mind really.” Cas let go of Dean. “I can drive my own car.”

 

“Well I'm not letting you.” Dean answered before Sam opened his mouth. “You are going with me. Besides… Sam already packed his stuff and we still need time to pack.” Dean shrugged and Cas sighed in defeat.

 

Sam took his stuff and exited the motel room to do his check out. Cas waited for Dean to pack up and then they both went to the room downstairs to pack Cas’ clothes and equipment.

 

“You really pack light.” Dean commented when Cas was folding his clothes the way Sam showed him.

 

“I don't really have much.” Cas answered silently. He was ashamed of not being able to e so well adjusted to living like Sam and Dean who had tried to teach him some stuff. Dean seemed to catch up on it and smiled gently.

 

“Then I'm taking you shopping back in Kansas. There are some really good places near the bunker. It's a date.” Dean slapped his arm and began helping Cas pack.

 

“It's a what?” Cas asked teasingly. He knew that Dean wouldn’t like to have that little word pointed out to him.

 

“Uhhh... “ Dean froze, “nothing.” He murmured which caused Cas to smile.

 

“You sure? I'm pretty sure you said something.” Cas grinned at Dean and he blushed. Dean Winchester the most ruthless hunter and man of letters legacy was blushing. Cas’ grin widened.

 

“It's a date!” Dean shouted and Cas laughed. “Stop that, okay?” Cas couldn't stop laughing but he covered his mouth with his hand. “Stop it! I can hear you! Cas!” Dean’s face was fully read now and Cas was leaning forward and holding his stomach. “Oh come on! Cas!” Dean finally lost his shit and wrestled Cas to the bed. Dean was grinning and Cas was full on laughing now.

 

Cas was trying to get away from Dean, but he was holding him too tightly. They rolled several times but Cas was still laughing and under Dean.

 

“You really need to stop laughing at me.” Dean grumbled.

 

“I'm sorry Dean, I can't!” Cas continued laughing and Dean groaned. Dean laid his forehead in his chest in defeat. Cas was starting to calm down and he wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders. Dean had his arms wrapped around his waist. They laid there for a while longer until Dean sighed.

 

“You know what? I'm taking a nap. We can hit the road later.” Dean mumbled in his chest and Cas responded by holding him tighter.


	4. "Already Gone" - The Eagles

"Dean, I feel bad for not bringing Cas along for this hunt. I mean… I can't help but wonder if we are pushing him away, you know?” Sam commented while casually sharpening the end of his machete with a wet stone. They were getting their equipment ready before setting out to meet with the other hunters.

 

“I don't like it either, Sam. It's just... he has been acting a bit off lately." Dean shot a slightly worried look to Sam.

 

"He always looks off to me." Sam shrugged and continued working on his machete and the dead man’s blood shots.

 

"Well he looks off-er." Dean snapped and picked up his own machete violently.

 

"I'm not so sure that's a word, Dean." Sam teased with a sideways grin.

 

"Shut up college boy. You know what I mean." Dean moved to sit on the table next to Sam and began sharpening his own machete, "he hasn't been himself since he lost his grace. He is still struggling with adjusting and it's hitting him harder than the last time he became human." Dean glared at his machete and began sharpening it roughly with his small wet stone. Sam frowned at Dean thinking that he would just make the machete duller.

 

"He talked to you about his emotions too?" Sam raised an eyebrow remembering how Cas had asked him how to deal with his lacrimal ducts when he had cried during a comedy movie. Dean nodded remembering something quite similar, "...and I'm guessing that makes you think that he could react badly under stress during a hunt." Dean avoided Sam's stare. "Dean-"

 

"Shut up Sammy. I'm just giving him time without putting him at risk." Dean’s voice was calm and collected. It was the same tone he used with police officers while wearing his fake FBI suit.

 

"I don't know Dean. It just feels like it's time to start treating him like another hunter. We already gave him the training and he was an angel. He is our friend, he doesn't need us pushing him away." Sam did his puppy eyes look and Dean glared.

 

"We are not pushing him away! He is back in the bunker with cash for food and Netflix! He is gonna be fine." Dean snapped not quite believing himself. It was like he was trying to convince himself to believe it.

 

"Yeah, okay Dean." Sam said in a tone that couldn't sound more sarcastic. Dean glared at him and slapped his machete on the table and stood up abruptly. "I'm just saying Dean... I mean you said it yourself. He looks off, and who could know better than you when he is acting up." Sam eyed him with his gentle puppy eyes.

 

"What do you mean?" Dean asked automatically and raised an eyebrow. He puffed his chest in a macho display and Sam just rolled his eyes.

 

"Forget it Dean." Sam stood up and ran his fingers through his hair. He picked up his duffel bag and started packing his guns. "Let's go, Milton is probably waiting for us to show up." Sam glared at Dean who huffed with frustration and followed Sam out of the motel room.

 

They shared a tense silence in the Impala and drove off to find Milton with his wife Melissa in their own motel room. Dean and Sam raised an eyebrow when they saw the lithe dark skinned woman. She was no taller than Sam's elbow and was currently cleaning a machete that was longer than her arm. She looked like a really sweet person despite the machete she was holding.

 

The introductions were mostly normal, the typical "hey haven't seen you guys in a while" was said by Milton. The weird stares aimed at the small woman didn't go unnoticed by Milton.

 

"Ok so," Milton clapped his hands "Meli why don't you tell Dean about the area while I check with Sam about the vics?" He gave her a look that neither Dean nor Sam understood, but she nodded and lead Dean to the other side of the room where she had her laptop plugged in.

 

"Ok so,” Dean couldn’t help but notice that she had used the same phrase as her husband. “The building is over here in-" she began talking about an old mansion hidden in the middle of the woods and how it was owned by the man who they guessed was the leader of the nest. Dean just kept staring at her with a look that conveyed confusion. "Take a picture it'll last longer."

 

"What?" Dean was momentarily shocked by the sarcastic comment. "I wasn't... I- uhh. What?”

 

"Then why do you keep staring?" She placed a hand on her hip and pursed her lips. "Is it because I'm the human equivalent of a Chihuahua?"

 

"I- what? Nooo. I mean... what? I wasn't!  Psh." Dean blushed and stammered while trying to find a lifesaving excuse. Melissa just pursed her lips even tighter.

 

"I mean I do realize I look like a fricking hobbit  next to your brother Chewbacca and my own Paul Bunyan over there," she pointed at Sam and Milton arguing over a piece of paper. "But as you can see I don't give a fuck and there's no reason why you should. Capiche?"

 

"Uhh" Dean nodded with wide eyes.

 

"Great, now..." she continued to debrief him on the plan she had already created and Dean just nodded along to whatever she said. Her plan was perfect anyway. Dean just changed some bits here and there to fit his and Sam's style better. Melissa had started to call Dean “Ginormica” somewhere along the debriefing and Dean answered by calling her “Oompa Loompa”.

 

They would climb to the rooftop and enter through the attic windows. The plan was to clear each floor until they arrived together at the basement area where they hoped the vampires kept the live hostages.

 

They worked together perfectly like a well-oiled machine. Dean couldn't help but try to keep an eye on Melissa, she just had this weird fragile aura. However, in reality she was clearly a badass hunter. He had no idea how Milton had found her.

 

They arrived at the basement with their clothes soaked in blood. Cages, big enough to keep large dog breeds, were scattered all across the floor of the basement. People were being held in these waist-high cages next to several refrigerators with blood bags inside. They killed the guards with swift slashes from their machetes.

 

Melissa left a note on the refrigerators that claimed that the blood was meant for donation. Police usually brought the blood to blood banks for testing when they saw that note thinking that it had been stolen. Milton and Sam started to free the victims while Dean and Melissa investigated an adjacent door.

 

She went inside and was about to declare the room clear when a vamp fell from the ceiling ninja style and bit Melissa in the neck. She screamed and Milton ran to her aid. Dean reacted used his machete to stab the vamp in the face and cutting his head off when it fell to the floor screaming.

 

"Meli! Meli! Are you okay? Mel?" Milton pushed Dean away and took off his scarf to wrap it around Melissa's neck in a makeshift bandage.

 

"Yeah I'm okay," she groaned with a smile. "Thanks for that one Dean." She winked at him and Milton groaned.

 

"Stop flirting, you are _married_ to me!" Milton snapped with tears in his eyes. Melissa laughed silently and Milton picked her up with a grin.

 

Sam called the police to retrieve the victims and helped Dean get the vics settled upstairs. They all took off to the hospital to get Melissa stitched up properly. Turned out that she needed reconstructive surgery on her neck. The plastic surgeon claimed that it was an easy fix and Milton sighed in relief.

 

"Hey I'll go get us some coffee." Sam stood up and left Dean alone with Milton in the waiting room.

 

There was an awkward silence until one of them spoke. Dean was glaring at his hands. She shouldn't have gone with them. He could have protected her or entered the room first. He couldn't help but feel overprotective with her. She just had this… aura. He wondered why Milton and her would choose hunting as a lifestyle. He knew that Milton had retired a few years ago.

 

"You are probably wondering why I let her come with us, right?" Milton whispered. Dean raised his head to look at Milton's smiling face. His eyes were red rimmed but he was smiling sadly.

 

"I... yes." He answered truthfully. "I know you from back in the day. You are a really overprotective son of a bitch just like me."

 

Milton chuckled, "I still am." He gulped and looked at Dean "I guess I just found someone who doesn't take any of my shit."

 

Dean was silent, he couldn't understand why they hunted. Milton used it as a hobby and he knew that Melissa was born in a hunter family although she went to college.

 

"It's just... I can't treat her like she is weak. I tried to keep her away from hunting. I kept her home, we had the whole white picket fence life and we both hated it. Melissa knew I was bored and she practically forced me back into hunting. So I hunted and she stayed home. She didn't say much in the beginning, but it was slowly killing her. She became so depressed and I didn't see it at first. She hated her job and I never saw it. Until there was an accident in her perfect life. A boring car crash almost killed her. Broken ribs and punctured lung." Milton sighed. "I love her so much, I wanted her safe. She looked off but I didn't realize how to fix it until the accident. Melissa didn't want safety, she needed me and the hunting."

 

Dean nodded, he wasn't totally comfortable with all the sharing that was going on; but he knew that Milton needed it. He had met the guy many years ago during a hunt. He was a police officer that hunted down monsters by himself. They had joined forces on a hunt by accident and then kept in touch. Milton had helped to get the brothers out of jail and cleaned their records a bit back in the day. He had also given Dean a place to crash whenever he wasn't hunting with his dad.

 

"So, now what?" Asked Dean, knowing too well what the man was thinking.

 

"I'm probably going to quit hunting with her. Try to have a civilian-ish life again." Milton shrugged, "unless she kicks my ass for thinking about it. Wish me luck bro."

 

"You know luck doesn't work that way." Dean wasn’t joking.

 

"Humor me Dean-o." Milton deadpanned and Dean chuckled.

 

"Good luck Milton." He said in his most sarcastic tone. Milton pursed his lips and punched Dean's arm. "Don't you think that whole story sounds a bit... I don't know... sexist as in... male chauvinistic." Dean glared at his friend and turned his entire body to face him.

 

"Have you even met Melissa?" He chuckled, "she's the one who wears the pants man. I'm telling you, she is a feisty one. I just went back to hunting because she told me to. I was perfectly fine being just a cop again." He shrugged, "I didn't realize she missed hunting too. Guess that's a problem for later." He sighed loudly and laid back. "You know Dean-o... you look different."

 

"What? I'm not that out of shape!" Dean covered his lower abdomen trying to hide his stomach. Milton laughed.

 

"No I mean... usually you would have told me to shut up 5 minutes ago. I know that look." Milton winked at him.

 

"What?" Dean stuttered.

 

"You've got that look Dean. You've got a girl, don't cha? Back in that batcave of yours?" Milton raised both eyebrows suggestively and Dean groaned. “You sly dog!  Finally found someone stupid enough to date you!” Milton grinned and slapped Dean’s arm.

 

"Shut up dude. I don't have a girl." Dean groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose with his eyes closed.

 

"So... a dude?" Milton pouted to convey his grudging approval. "Not bad." He was totally ready this time when Dean reached over to hit his arm.

 

"I don't have anyone. Why don't you just shut the fuck up? I preferred it when you were just moping about your marital problems." Dean snapped and settled back on his chair.

 

"I was **so** not mopping, just venting." Milton muttered.

 

Sam thankfully chose that moment to reappear with the coffee and they settled down with a friendly banter. Sam was mostly interested in Milton's work as a police officer and Dean was mostly interested in sleeping in his chair.

 

The surgery was over and Melissa was moved over to a personal room instead of the ICU which was a huge relief for the hunters. Normal rooms meant less danger. She was sleeping peacefully when the guys got there. They spent some time in her room until they all took off for a quick meal. They went back to her room and she slowly woke up.

 

"Hello Big Foot!" She grinned at her husband who rolled his eyes and kissed her forehead. "Hey, I can't feel my body. Where is it? Did you take it somewhere?"

 

Turns out she was pretty high on painkillers and couldn't feel anything. Melissa moved her limbs lazily but she didn't seem to notice. It was pretty funny to watch her talk about just being a giant head.

 

The boys eventually took off to their motel to sleep before hitting the road. There was a slightly tense silence in the car. Dean just knew that Sam wanted to ask something, but he didn't care because he was busy processing what had become of Milton Sollors life.

 

"Dean what's up?" Sam asked eventually.

 

"Nothing, why?" Dean asked in a neutral tone while keeping his eyes on the road.

 

"You look troubled." Sam did his I'm-worried-about-you face that Dean slowly began to hate more every time he saw it aimed at him.

 

"I'm fine, maybe a little guilty about Melissa getting hurt that's all." He formed that excuse so quickly it was just too suspicious for Sam to believe.

 

"Really?" Sam asked.

 

"Yeah."

 

"Okay" Sam shrugged.

 

"Don't "okay" me with that tone. What?"

 

"Nothing. Nothing... I just thought you were thinking about Cas." Sam shrugged. Dean turned to look at Sam with his most disgustingly surprised facial expressions. He looked like he just swallowed the sourest lemon that ever existed after a shot of the cheapest tequila ever.

 

"Why would I be thinking about him?"

 

"I don't know. Melissa just reminded me a bit of Cas.” Sam shrugged casually. “She just looks so different from her actual personality. Just like Cas. He looks like this badass ex-angel of the lord but in reality he is like a lost puppy you know?"

 

"Sam what the fuck are you talking about? Did you steal drugs from that hospital?" Dean snapped and Sam shut up.

 

It was true that Melissa and Cas were a bit alike in what and who they were. It was strange but it somehow made sense. It suddenly hit him that what he was doing with keeping Cas from hunting may not be such a good thing.

 

He was reminded of Melissa being attacked in front of him. He disliked the idea of seeing someone else get hurt. When it was him getting hurt, then it was okay? It’s not like it was his duty to take care of Cas! He was a ridiculously grown ass ex-angel who didn't need or want his help. Or did he?

 

Dean shook his head and gripped the steering wheel tighter in his hands, completely unaware of Sam's stare. He didn't know what to do with Cas. He had sucked as a hunter, always compromising their covers and being an extra crappy people person; but it's not like Cas could do anything else.

 

Yeah okay, maybe he was able to keep his crappy job at the gas-and-sip; but that is not something he should be doing at all.

 

Dean ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation and reached over to play some Led Zeppelin. Ramble On took over his train of thought and Sam kept looking at him weirdly.

 

They arrived at the motel to pack most of their things. The brothers took turns in the bathroom and slept until 10 am when it was time to leave for the bunker. They called Milton in the morning to make sure everything was okay.

 

Back in the bunker they had dinner which consisted of frozen pizza and slept until evening. They were incredibly tired after the hunt. Sam was the one who found Cas' note on the fridge. He showed it to Dean who raised an eyebrow and reached for his phone to call Cas. It went straight to voicemail. He tried again a couple of times and gave up by the fifth.

 

"He must have forgotten to charge his phone." Sam had commented. They called him at noon, but it didn't work either. It wouldn't be the first time it happened so they waited until morning to try again.

 

It went straight to voicemail again. Dean had accidentally prayed to Cas, but kicked himself realizing it was stupid to do so. Sam had called some hunters in Illinois asking about Cas and asked them to keep an eye on him.

 

The Winchester brothers stood together in the war room looking at each other with worried eyes. It was too early to be sure that something was wrong.

 

Cas was probably fine and they were just paranoid.

 

Yeah sure… just paranoid.


	5. "Nocturne" - Rush

Dean was singing rather loudly. Most of the song contained only guitar notes and drum solos until Led Zeppelin decided to say a couple of phrases that Dean almost shouted. Cas was smiling as Dean repeated the “oh oh” high pitched vocals along with Zeppelin. Cas wasn’t looking at the road, nor was he listening to the song. His focus was set on Dean enjoying himself in the Impala. Dean started to hit the steering wheel along the drums and biting his lips whenever he wasn't singing.

 

“Dean, the road.” Cas laughed. He reached for the steering wheel and attempted to stabilize the car.

 

“It’s ‘Black Dog’ dude!” Dean ignored Cas until the song ended. Dean was about to turn off the radio when Guns N' Roses started playing. Dean immediately dropped his hand and grinned at the radio.

 

Cas didn't recognize the song. It spoke about a sweet child but he wasn’t really paying much attention to it. He was just looking at Dean scream out the lyrics and hitting the steering wheel along with the guitars and drums.

 

Cas felt at ease with Dean. He was sitting comfortably in the passenger seat of the Impala, just enjoying Dean’s company. Perhaps he would have liked to be with Sam too, but beggars can’t be choosers.

 

“Hey, Cas? What’s up?” Dean asked without lowering the volume of the radio.

 

“Huh?” Cas frowned and turned to look at Dean.

 

“Are you hungry? I would kill for a cheeseburger right now!” Dean turned to grin at Cas.

 

“What would murder do to achieve sustenance?” Cas joked without smiling. He knew it was a perfect way to annoy Dean.

 

“Shut up, are you hungry or not?” Dean snapped with a smile playing on the corner of his lips. Cas smiled and nodded.

 

“Yes, Dean.”

 

“I’m stopping at the next place that sells burgers,” Dean announced.

 

It actually took Dean about an hour and a half to find a proper restaurant that sold good enough hamburgers. Cas never complained because it meant sharing more time with him. Dean surprised him when he parked the Impala and quickly reached over to kiss Cas on the cheek.

 

“What was that for?” Cas asked.

 

“Well, I figured if I’m _only_ allowed to kiss you then I better take advantage of it.” Dean winked with a shrug and exited the Impala before Cas could say anything.

 

Cas sat there in shock. He had forgotten for awhile about the kissing. He guessed it had something to do with the fact that this was a djinn induced dream and perhaps his bodily exhaustion could carry all the way to his mind. He was startled when Dean knocked on the passenger’s window and opened the door.

 

“If you wanted me to open the door for you like a gentleman then you could have just said so, Cas.” Dean teased with a sideways smile. “We aim to please.” Dean grinned and made a dramatic motion with his arm that Cas didn't recognize.

 

“Yeah, I bet,” Cas responded bitterly. He became so angered by being interrupted in his train of thought and about how true that last phrase had been that he didn't see Dean’s smile dropping into a glare.

 

“What does that even mean, Cas?” Dean waited for Cas to exit the Impala before slamming the door behind him.

 

“Nothing,” Cas muttered mostly to himself. He tightened his fists in his lap and looked at his own fingers slowly losing their blood pressure and turning white.

 

He wanted to laugh because those weren't even his own fingers. He was in Jimmy’s dead vessel which somehow made it his. It wasn't something that he usually thought about. It was strange, having lived in an ethereal form of celestial intent his whole life and now he was living as a wingless mortal in someone else's body.

 

He usually didn't think about it. It just… well… being in your head for too long makes you think about the bizarre physicalities of mortal living.

 

Dean forced the passenger door wide open and roughly grabbed Cas by the shoulder.

 

“What? So you snap at me and then sulk in my car?” Dean pursed his lips and took a step back roughly while shaking his head slightly. “What the fuck is going on Cas? We are together for what? Barely a day and you are already picking up fights with me?” Dean was shouting now. Thankfully the parking lot was lonely except for the guard that was listening to his iPod and hiding from the sun next to a tree.

 

It took Cas a moment to react.

 

“We.... are... together?” Cas asked timidly.

 

Dean stopped breathing.

 

This reaction from Cas could be understood in two ways. One being rejection and the second one being utter denial. Cas looked so vulnerable that Dean knew immediately what was going on in Cas’ head.

 

Cas was surprised, he was doubting himself, he was afraid, and there was something bothering him.

 

“I- yeah, I guess so. I mean… no… I mean, yes,” Dean stuttered which made Cas frown in confusion. Dean groaned and rolled his eyes. He leaned forward and took a hold of Cas by the front of his shirt. Dean didn’t kiss him as expected. Instead, Dean manhandled Cas out of the car and pressed his back against the Impala. Dean still didn’t kiss him, just looked into his blue eyes. “What’s really bothering you, Cas?”

 

Cas gulped. Dean was so close. He could almost smell the cheap motel shampoo and soap that Dean had used in the morning. Cas closed his eyes tightly and tried to will himself to wake up and escape this situation.

 

Turns out he didn’t really want to wake up. He remembered that there wasn’t anything worth waking up for.

 

“Is this real?” Cas whispered in a broken voice. He couldn’t look at Dean. The Dean he knew wasn’t in this reality. He opened his eyes slowly because he knew the difference, but refused to acknowledge it.

 

“We are real, Cas,” Dean said gently, he moved his hands to hold Cas by his waist and laid his forehead on his shoulder. “Don’t doubt me. Ever,” Dean whispered before gently kissing his neck. It was a really tender and intimate gesture that had Cas melting into his touch and closing his eyes with a sigh.

 

It was perfect enough.

 

* * *

  


They entered the restaurant with Dean pulling Cas by the hand. They received a weird look from the waitress and Dean immediately let go of his hand like it was on fire. Cas paled for a second; he stopped walking altogether and stared at Dean’s back. Dean turned around with an apologetic look and shrugged. Right, Dean didn’t like to show affection in public. It had nothing to do with Cas or the gender of his vessel. Cas tried to smile like nothing was wrong.

 

They sat in a corner booth, facing each other. Cas frowned at the seating arrangements. The frown melted away as he smiled when Dean brushed his leg against his playfully. Not everything was perfect, but they shared tender looks and silent smiles across the table. Dean talked about the case he took with Sam, but Cas wasn't listening. He was focused completely on his meal and Dean's legs against his.

 

He was at peace. He had food, a place next to Dean in his life, a roof above his head, and something… something to live for. Did he really have something to live for? Cas pursed his lips and smiled at Dean who was talking with a fry hanging from his lips. Yes, he had something to live for. Well… something to dream for. He didn't really have this in real life nor would he ever have it.

 

“Hey, so Sam told me I shouldn't force you into a long field trip to the bunker. Something about my baby not being too good for your health.” Dean swallowed and took a sip from his soda. “We’re staying in the next motel we see. Sam will probably haul ass to the bunker alone.” Dean shrugged. “I'll give him a call later to see what he’s up to.”

 

Cas nodded his understanding and silently brought a fry to his lips. He found that he was really hungry, but he didn't pay much attention to the feeling.

 

“Hey, you've been silent,” Dean commented nonchalantly.

 

“I'm just tired, Dean.” Cas shrugged and smiled sincerely. He liked to see Dean worried about him. It was a selfish and sick thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to care all that much. Dean's worry was a sign that he truly cared about him.

 

“Good, I was worried that I was boring you with my chatter.” Dean laughed in his usual self-deprecating way that he did and brought a couple of french fries to his mouth.

 

“I'll never get tired of listening to you, Dean.” Cas shrugged and took a bite of his cheeseburger.

 

Dean gulped awkwardly and tried to hide his face behind his soda. Cas wanted to laugh because Dean was blushing and trying to hide it. He frowned at his cheeseburger like it had offended him and took a huge bite out of it. Cas chuckled and Dean glared at him.

 

“What?” Cas asked innocently.

 

“Shut up,” Dean barked with his mouth full.

 

“I didn't say anything!” Cas raised his eyebrows in fake disbelief and gaped at him. He raised his hands as if Dean was holding him at gun point to emphasize his honesty.

 

“Well, you didn't really need to say much. Now shut your mouth and eat.” Dean pointed at his mouth in a threatening gesture and frowned again.

 

“How could I possibly eat with my mouth shut? Is this a new skill that I haven't discovered about the human body?” Cas squinted at his burger and then at Dean who rolled his eyes in exasperation.

 

“Oh my God…just… _eat_.” Cas chuckled and Dean groaned loudly.

 

Their meal went pretty well afterwards. The waitress tried to flirt with Dean, but Dean brushed her away easily and without making much of a scene. Cas was rather proud of that small thing. Dean called Sam eventually and they talked for a while.

 

“Ok, Sammy, be safe.” Dean hung up and shoved his phone into his pockets with a grunt.

 

“So?” Cas asked, having not heard the whole conversation.

 

“Sam bought a salad to go and is probably sticking lettuce in your glove compartment right now,” Dean joked and Cas rolled his eyes. “He won’t be stopping until he reaches the bunker. That means it will be just us.” Dean winked at him teasingly.

 

“Where are we staying?” Cas asked ignoring the wink. He wasn’t completely sure what he felt about that side of the dream. On one side he wanted to just give in and kiss Dean for days. On the other side it felt like he would be violating the real Dean in some way. Then again, Dean would never know if he remained in the dream forever.

 

The thought both scared him and pacified him. It made him feel anxious and insecure. He would have to abide to the djinn’s rules while in the dream (whatever they were apart from don’t wake up).

 

“I don’t know yet.” Dean brushed his fingers through his own hair. “My plan was to hit the road until we found something.” Dean shrugged.

 

Turns out they did follow that plan instead of asking anyone for directions as they should've done. Apparently everyone wanted to be in Illinois because the places Dean found were either full or too nasty for it to be acceptable. The fourth motel they visited didn't even have a single free parking spot. They ended up in a half decent motel with a pair of kids at the front desk.

 

“Hello, sir. What can I get you?” asked the girl who was probably fourteen in the most bored tone she could muster.

 

“Hey, I need a double room.” Dean shoved the keys to the Impala into his pockets as he walked and Cas hesitantly followed after him.

 

“Yo, Bill. Check if there's a double left.” She threw a paper ball towards what looked like her sixteen year old brother. He snatched the ball from mid air and threw it at his sister with triple the force.

 

“Hey, don't hit your sister!” Dean threatened the boy with his lowest voice and a finger pointed at him.

 

“She started it! Besides, if she would have hit me then you would've laughed instead of telling her not to hit me. Double standards, dude. Back off!” The boy rolled his eyes and moved to check the dinosaur-like computer that looked like it escaped from a 90’s movie. “Sorry, sir, we only have two rooms left. One is the honeymoon suit and the other is a single.” The kid smiled at Dean and the girl tried not to laugh.

 

“You listen to me, you little son of a-” Dean started approaching the kid, but Cas took a step in front of Dean to shield the boy.

 

“We'll take it! Thanks.” Cas slapped his fake ID and credit card on the desk and took a hold of Dean's arm before he showed the kid a new vocabulary.

 

“Cas!” Dean struggled to retrieve his arm, almost hitting Cas with his elbow in the process.

 

“Shut up, Dean.” Cas reached over and kissed Dean’s cheek gently. It was nice to be able to give and receive affection. He had never seen the importance of it until this dream.

 

“Ugh, fuck off,” Dean grumbled although it was quite obvious that he was hiding his smile.

 

“Uh, so you want the honeymoon suit or…?” The girl asked gently while her brother was too busy blushing and hiding behind his hands to say anything.

 

“The normal one.” answered Cas in his most civil tone. Dean grunted in response and rolled his eyes.

 

“Alright then.” The girl reached over to take the ID and fake credit card.

 

“Woah, hey! You are not paying for shit.” Dean slammed his hand on the desk to grab Cas’ cards and gave the kid his own fake ID and credit card. Cas rolled his eyes because it was such an unnecessary action. Dean, for his part, grinned like he had won some sort of contest.

 

“Okay… your room is 2013.” The girl gave Dean the keys to the room with a courtesy water bottle and returned his ID and credit card,

 

“Have fun!” The boy shouted when he was at a safe distance from Dean.

 

“Alright, you piece of-”

 

“Dean!” Cas held Dean by the waist and manhandled him all the way to the second floor by pulling his arm.

 

“Oh, come on, Cas! That boy clearly needs someone to teach him some manners!” Dean argued before Cas released his arm when they were in front of their door.

 

“And that someone is not going to be you,” Cas answered in a neutral tone. He waited for Dean to roll his eyes and open the door.

 

They dropped their duffle bags in a table, Cas removed his coat and shoes before he threw himself face first on top of the covers.

 

“Hey you look tired.” Dean commented with a tone of sarcasm. It somehow managed to sound tender and Cas couldn’t understand how he did it. Dean laid down next to Cas and gently placed one hand on his lower back. Dean's hand was heavy and warm, the small circles he was doing were turning Cas into goo.

 

“I don't know... just keep doing that.” Cas mumbled into his pillow, closing his eyes and smiling at the feeling of Dean’s fingers.

 

Dean chuckled darkly, “you don't know?” Dean teased, but didn't stop his fingers. “Then you won't know if you are hungry enough for some Chinese takeout.” Dean quipped with a grin on his face.

 

“No, that one I do know.” Cas turned his face away from Dean and moved his body closer to Dean's. Dean answered by placing his head on his shoulder and sighing. “I'm pretty sure I'm hungry.” Cas mumbled into the pillow. Dean laughed at that and Cas could feel every vibration from his chest in his back. It was a new feeling.

 

“You probably don’t know how wrong and inviting that sounded to me.” Dean teased with a whisper next to his ear.

 

“No, I don’t… nor do I care.” Cas sighed contently and rubbed his face on the pillow.

 

Dean shifted his body to fully press his back against Cas and started playing with his messy hair.

 

“This is silly.” Dean mumbled eventually. Cas grunted his confusion, he was too at ease to form a coherent thought. “You, me, here, sharing a bed as if we have been doing this for a while. This is so out of character for us.” Dean’s voice was forlorn and tired. Like he was exhausted about having lived in a certain way that wasn't as easy as the living in the present.

 

“Affection is usually out of character for us.” Cas mumbled with a yawn.

He knew Dean, he never accepted affection unless it came from a bottle or a nameless woman in a bar. It was sad to know that Dean craved affection so much; not only receiving, but also giving affection. The djinn apparently agreed with him on that note because Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist and pulled him into a warm embrace.

 

“You always know what to say in the chick flick moments.” Dean teased, but his stone still carried along a taste of sadness.

 

“I don't really know what to say. I usually just say whatever I feel is the truth and hope for the best outcome.” Cas shrugged, “sometimes I'm afraid of doing it because you can react badly to whatever I say.”

 

Cas closed his eyes and reminded himself of the time Dean had the mark of cain. He had confronted Dean about killing the Stein boy in cold blood. Cas had never expected Dean to fight with him as ruthlessly as he did that day. He had been so weak, and so strong at the same time. Every nerve on his body had urged him to fight back. Every. Single. Nerve. He was a angel of the lord, a commander of one of the heavenly garrisons, he had been created to fight and win against all costs.

 

Cas of course couldn't bring himself to hurt Dean once again. He had done enough damage as it is.

 

“Hey, I'm sorry.” Dean kissed the back of his neck tenderly and laid his forehead against the back of it. “I'm sorry for not understanding you. I'm not sorry for the way I acted because that is just who I am. Cas… I'm violent. I'm no good for you… but I also don't want to see you with anyone else, so I'm going to do the selfish thing and try to keep you with me.” Dean let out a deep breath and continued to kiss Cas’ neck.

 

Cas shivered, not because of the kiss. He shivered because the phrase had carried a threat in it. He knew this wasn’t real at all, but the djinn wanted him there and it was obvious. Cas knew how to free himself from the spell, a simple imaginary knife somewhere vital and poof! Back to his dull life as an expendable useless wingless being.

 

He purposely shifted their bodies so that Dean could have a better access to his jawline. He needed the affection Dean would surely give him. Dean straddled Cas and placed his hands tenderly on his sides. Cas gasped when he felt Dean’s weight on him, but it wasn’t enough. He could still feel the emptiness inside him and the anxiety in his stomach. Cas groaned with the feeling of Dean kissing his neck and flipped them over so that he could kiss Dean instead. He raised his head to look at him to gauge his reaction to the sudden change in position. Dean's eyes were wide open like a deer caught in the headlights.

  


“Nothing, come here you idiot.” Dean grinned and used his hand to bring Cas forward.

Their lips joined in a sweet kiss. Dean was smiling widely into the kiss and Cas was trying to memorize the texture of his lips and how his freckles looked from this distance. It was slow and relaxed. Dean couldn't remember the last time he felt so at ease with someone that close to him. Cas couldn't remember ever feeling happiness quite like this.

 

Dean sat up slightly and managed to remove his over shirt without breaking the kiss. Cas didn’t pay attention. He heard the distinctive noise of shoes hitting the floor and felt Dean’s hand slowly moving from their spot near his ribs. There was a hand on his ass and another hand tugging at the waistband of his jeans.

 

“Dean no.” Well at least he still had some sense of  logic in his brain. Doing nothing with Dean past just kissing was too much. It would be the end of him. If he let himself go in that way then he would never want to wake up.

 

“Why? Tell me why, Cas.” Dean grimaced and continued kissing his neck as a distraction. “Give me a reason why not.”

 

“I-uhh...” quick think of something! “I’m not ready for this.” It wasn’t completely a lie, but Dean still just rolled his eyes.

 

“Well I say you are plenty ready.” Dean’s hand suddenly moved to palm his groin. Cas groaned loudly, but it sounded like he was in pain. Dean grinned and moved his head to kiss his neck again. His other hand continued to pull his jeans down.

 

Cas gave a sharp intake of air and struggled to get away from Dean. He tried to ignore the aching heat in his belly as he stood up with unsteady feet. Dean was giving him a cold glare from his spot in the bed, like he had offended him somehow with his anxiety and fear.

 

“Why Castiel?” Dean asked in a monotonous voice. Cas froze in his attempts to run away when Dean used his full name. “Why won’t you let yourself be loved by me?”

 

“Because you are not real.” Cas whispered, his face slowly broke down into a grimace. His heart was beating too fast and he felt like he was choking with unshed tears. He tried to swallow, but his throat was closed. Cas didn’t understand what was happening to his body.

 

“So what if I’m not real, Castiel?” Dean shouted and spread his arms wide, he was looking at Cas with disbelief and he was slowly shaking his head. “Please Cas. Let me love you. This is the only way I can do it.” Dean gritted his teeth and closed his eyes tightly. “Outside… there are so many things that will stop me.” Dean’s voice sounded vulnerable and dejected. The heart-ache in his voice made Cas lift his his head slightly. His voice sounded vulnerable and sincere, like he was truly in pain. “I know the agony you call living. I know how tormented you really are.” Dean stood up from the bed slowly and walked with gentle footsteps towards Cas. “Here, there’ll be nothing like that, Cas. You’ll have everything you need. You’ll have me.” Dean laid a hand on his shoulder. It was warm and strong. Just like the real Dean. Cas sighed when he felt his throat ease up some tension. “I just want to love you, Cas.” Dean whispered, “really love you. I’m the only one that truly cares for you.”

 

It hurt Cas how much of it was true. There really wasn’t anything out there waiting for him. The Winchester brothers would probably look for him for a while until they eventually gave him up for dead. Even if he woke up and managed to go back… then what? Continue being a burden?

 

“But… what about my life?” Cas managed to choke out despite the tension that had left his body.

 

“This will feel like an entire lifetime. Perhaps more considering that the Djinns are taking care of you out there.” Dean shrugged.

 

“Taking care of me?” Cas frowned, he knew that normal Djinns barely had the decency of using IV bags instead of their teeth and rusty knives. He couldn’t see how or why a Djinn would take care of him.

 

“Yeah, some of the Djinns out there are doctors and nurses. They could keep you alive for decades if they wanted. They truly care for the people they take.” Dean raised a hand to trace his jawline with his finger tips. His eyes were warm and filled with such a tenderness that Cas couldn't look away. “Someone so beautiful… they better take care of you.” Dean leaned forward and laid a kiss on his stubbled cheek. “It’s like... they can’t see who you really are, you know?” Dean asked in a soft voice. He used his hands to pull Cas into a hug. Cas sighed in relief at the warmth that surrounded him immediately. He knew he craved affection, but he never knew how much. “You are so brave and have suffered through so much.” Dean’s hold on him tightened. “You gave away everything for humanity...for Dean.” Dean shook his head. “You gave away your family, an army, your wings and anything else that you could give them. You even gave away your heart and they didn’t appreciate it.” Dean kissed his lips as gently as he could. “Let someone take care of you, Cas. Let me love you.” He whispered against his lips like a prayer. Cas closed his eyes and breathed in.

 

“...Okay.”

  



	6. “He can’t speak” - Christopher Lennertz

On the third day of unanswered calls they were both feeling uneasy. Sam had checked for Cas' pimp car on police records in case he had gotten any tickets on his trip to Illinois. He found nothing on the car, which wasn't completely unusual because Cas drove like a saint (no pun intended).

 

Dean had checked in again with a few hunters every morning after he tried calling Cas. They had all denied seeing him. Some didn’t even knew Cas existed, while others knew him from the times they had accompanied the Winchester on some random hunts. They all promised to keep an eye out for Cas. Dean thanked them, knowing too well that they wouldn't do much good.

 

According to the date scribbled on the note, more than a week had passed since Cas took off to Illinois. Sam and Dean feared that Cas had gotten himself injured and was alone in some dingy motel room, or that he had been taken by some supernatural being. They refused to think he was dead.

 

Dean wasn't able to sleep the next night. He woke up every hour to call Cas' phone or just send him a text. He even prayed to God, knowing far too well that he wasn’t listening to him. He opened a bottle of hunter’s helper when he figured he was too worried to sleep peacefully and eventually fell asleep around 2 in the morning with a bit of booze in his system. He woke up later in the morning and went to find Sam in his room. He didn't find Sam there, so he went to the library and found him asleep in front of his laptop and a bunch of printed out articles.

 

They began investigating anything they thought Cas could have taken an interest in. It meant looking at every single police case and newspaper article. They made some calls and on the next day drove to Illinois. They had over 20 cases waiting for them at Illinois, some were connected to each other and some were simple cases. They checked motel parking lots for Cas' car wherever they went. Cas didn't even specify which city he went to and Dean was becoming angrier and angrier each passing day.

 

Dean was either constantly worried or planning how to kill Cas after saving him.

 

The Winchester brothers started a raid on every supernatural being hiding in Illinois. A few hunters accompanied them on some of the cases, but it was mostly a two man army taking over Illinois’ supernatural population. They barely slept at all.

 

On the second week, Dean had taken to going to bars to hunt for information; but it was really to get drunk, meet hunters and find girls willing to have sex with him. One night he even found some Asian twins and drunk dialed his brother like he just aced some test he didn’t study for. Sam had just laughed and ended the call telling him to have fun.

 

Full vampire nests had fled the state when rumors of the Winchesters arrived. Sam and Dean felt it was far too suspicious to be normal and followed after them with a biker gang of hunters that they met in a bar. Dean loved every second of it, while Sam totally hated the experience.

 

They killed ghouls, salted and burned ghosts, wiped out two werewolf gangs, slayed a kitsune, killed some demons doing their nasty business on a club, and had hit five vampire nests in about 5 weeks. They had actually solved two non-supernatural kidnappings on pure accident; one of them included a chatty teen.

 

"So what? You guys something like Batman or shit?" One of their  _normal_ victims asked them while lounging on the back seat of the Impala.

 

"Woah! Language kiddo!" Dean had turned around to look at the girl in the back seat.

 

"Dean the road!" Sam placed a hand on the steering wheel and kept the Impala steady.

 

“So are you guys Batman and Robin?” The girl asked again.

 

"No,” a heavy pause from Dean. “We are actually looking for someone." Dean ignored Sam's wide judging eyes.

 

"Who? Your daughter?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. Sam snorted and Dean choked.

 

Sam was still laughing when he stuttered a "no". Dean was coughing now and the girl was just looking at them with confused eyes. It sounded perfectly logical for them to look for their daughter considering that they were looking for her.

 

"I'm not old enough to have a daughter!" Dean shouted and Sam just laughed harder. "We are looking for a guy. He is a detective and was working on a case in Illinois when he disappeared. We don't know which case, so we are checking every lead nonstop." That made Sam shut up. The silence in the car was tense and cold, like something just sucked all the energy out both of them.

 

"Is he a friend of yours?" The girl asked innocently.

 

"More like family." Sam said in a low voice. Dean gripped the steering wheel tighter and nodded grimly.

 

The girl didn't ask anything else out of respect. The silence of course didn’t last much.

 

"Uhmm have you checked out Illinois State University?" She muttered eventually.

 

"Hmm? No why?" Asked Sam.

 

"Well there was a news article a month ago about a girl getting kidnapped by a tattooed dude who used a blue powder drug to knock her out." The boys turned around to stare at her. That was a djinn description and they knew how strong they could be. Cas could have easily been taken in by a djinn if he was alone. "What? I wasn't allowed to watch TV in that basement but I had a shit load of fresh newspapers in there." She shrugged.

 

Right, the asshole that had kidnapped her was currently unconscious in the trunk. They were taking them both to a police department dressed as FBI guys. They would literally just drop the girl and the guy with anyone who looked slightly capable of handling them, and leave the place looking like busy agents who didn't care. Probably add in some insults and a little badge flashing to complete the act.

 

They did just that and rushed back to the motel to find the article on the Illinois State University girl. Dean ran over four red lights and almost crashed into the motel wall as he parked the Impala. Sam was out even before Dean had stopped the car. They ran up the stairs and almost broke down the door to their room. Sam ran for his laptop and Dean was already on the phone arguing with someone while fetching his own laptop too.

 

They found everything they needed in record time. It was obviously a Djinn judging by what the victims saw. It had almost been 40 days since Cas' disappearance. The Djinn was probably sucking on Cas’ blood as they spoke.

 

They hauled ass to Normal, Illinois. Sam had arranged to meet with a hunter to supply them with enough African dream root to last them for a year. Sam stayed in the motel mixing the Djinn antidote and doing research on the area while Dean interviewed people linked to the case around the university. The first subjects weren’t too helpful, but the best friend of the victim was just feral.

 

"The FBI? Again? What makes you so damned special? If the last guy didn't find my best friend then why in God's name-" Dean raised a hand to shut the girl up.

 

"Wait, what other guy?" The girl didn't answer just glared at him. Dean raised his hand below his eyes to indicate Cas’ height. "Small guy, black messy hair, blue eyes, awkward, he also likes to wear an ugly trench coat?" The girl crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow.

 

"I don't know about small, but yeah sounds like him. He was pretty weird and looked like an amateur." She frowned at Dean when he smiled like all the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.

 

"Oh thank God!" Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was really trying not to show too much emotion, but the relief that was coursing through his veins was too sharp to ignore. He wanted to ditch the place and call Sam and pray his thanks to God because he had finally found Cas.

 

He was so going to kick his ass when he found him.

 

"Uhh everything okay?" The girl brushed her dark hair in a nervous movement. Dean shook his head.

 

"Yeah!” Dean sighed in relief, “that agent has been missing since last month," Dean looked at the floor in anger, "and we believe the son of a bitch that took your friend managed to also kidnap a federal officer which is the most idiotic move I can imagine.  I'm hunting down this son of a bitch myself. Tell me everything about your friend and any rumors you've heard about her disappearance." The fire in Dean's eyes was evident. He tightened his fists in the pocket of his pants and licked his lips angrily.

 

The girl, Kiara, told him everything she knew, even told him what the witnesses saw and what state of mind her friend was in. Emily was suffering from depression ever since her mother took a job in South America as a psychologist. Her dad died in a car crash when Emily was young and that's how she met Kiara. She had been in the hospital with a broken arm and went outside her room to talk to the girl crying in the hall. Kiara and Emily had been friends ever since.

 

Dean figured out that the djinn had been lured by the depression Emily was suffering from and hunted her down. He thanked Kiara for helping him out. The girl smiled sadly at him and rubbed her arm awkwardly.

 

“I hope you catch the asshole and find your friend.” Kiara smiled shyly. “I... just need to tell Emily that I have a thing for her.” Kiara sniffed and shrugged. Dean placed a hand on her shoulder expecting the girl to nod and begin the water works. She hit his arm instead and frowned. “Shoot the bastard for me, huh?”

 

“That I can do ma’am.” Dean tipped his head and did his best Indiana Jones impersonation. The girl laughed and curtsied a bit princess style.

 

“Thank you kind sir.” Dean laughed and shook his head at her silliness.

 

Dean called Sam to investigate any other disappearances while he scouted the area for abandoned warehouses or places a common Djinn would use. Sam called back with several addresses and a list of possible victims.

 

“Man this place is crawling with abandoned places, it’s like monster heaven.” Dean groaned into the phone while driving to the motel.

 

“Yeah, tell me about it. I figured they wouldn't be too far from the university and the hospital.” Sam paused for a moment looking down at his notes. “Ok, so we are left with four possible places.”

 

“Alright, how are the antidotes coming along?” Dean asked.

 

“Great! I didn’t know whether you would have preferred sugar or honey with your tea so I-”

 

“Ah-ah, no Sammy! I ain't going inside anyone’s head. It’s always me, man!” Dean huffed in exasperation and could hear Sam grinning on the other side of the call.

 

“Don’t be a wuss, Dean.” Sam teased “but I’ll do it this time don’t worry.” Sam was finishing grinding the last of the herb in his mortar and mixed it with the cinnamon and sugar. “We just need the ADN from the vics and we are done with this mix.”

 

“Alright. Gonna hang up now, I’m here.” Dean ended the call and exited the Impala. He froze when he found Sam heating up water and pouring it in one of those expensive travel mugs on the small kitchenette of the motel room.

 

“What?” Sam asked when he felt Dean staring at him for too long.

 

“Where did you get that hippy thing?” Dean frowned and pointed at the silver mug.

 

“This is not hippy man. Like… at all.” Sam did his bitch face while he poured the water carefully into the mug. “If I’m drinking this shit again I’m sure as hell gonna try to make it taste good.” Sam approached the kitchenette and poured a bit of milk in the mug. He kept the plastic bag in his pockets and started packing his weapons inside his jacket.

 

Dean rolled his eyes and started to undress himself. He placed the suit jacket on the back of a chair and removed his tie.

  
“You could try adding some Bailey’s to it.” Dean grinned and winked at him. Sam knew Dean was teasing him with the so-called girly alcohol and didn’t answer. “Sissy!” Dean shouted at Sam before heading to the bathroom with a grin. 


	7. “Gimme Shelter” The Rolling Stones

Cas woke up and rubbed his eyes lazily. Pulling the sheets higher up with a hand, he smiled and rested his cheek against Dean's chest. The bunker usually felt colder around winter for obvious reasons; and Cas hated it. Cas found it interesting how his body seemed to prefer warmth and at the same time his body hated heat and humidity. Dean had explained to him how important body temperature was to humans. He had just raised an eyebrow at the information because it sounded so… intricate and stupid. He had called it “something psychological, I won't suffer from that” and of course he had been wrong.

 

He had complained to Dean about the cold last winter and Dean had immediately bought new sheets for their bedroom. They didn't even use them last winter because it didn't last long enough. Cas had tried to complain about the unnecessary waste of money, but Dean shrugged it off because he had used some billionaire’s credit card for it.

 

"Mornin’ Cas.” Dean mumbled into Cas’ hair and rubbed his back with gentle fingers. Cas kissed his chest in response and felt Dean chuckled slightly. “Why did I buy you a new pillow when you don't even use it?”

 

“I already have the best pillow in the world.” Cas teased because he knew Dean would hate it.

 

“Fuck off.” Dean replied lazily and holding Cas in his arms tighter despite his annoyance.

 

“You must admit that you fell right into that one.” Cas commented and Dean groaned.

 

“Want some more cooking lessons? I'm sure that you ain’t gonna burn the pancakes this time.” Dean grinned, knowing too well that Cas wouldn't be able to see it.

 

Cas looked up and saw his grin. “Hey! It wasn't my fault! You distracted me!” Cas slapped his chest and Dean laughed gently.

 

“If you can load a shotgun in the dark, then you can make pancakes with your dick in m-”

 

“Don't you dare finish that sentence, Dean.” Cas threatened coldly.

 

“Why? You gonna whine about it? Like a baby in a trench coat?” Dean teased with a grin.

 

“No, I may take your offer.” Cas replied nonchalantly with a sideways smile.

 

“Smooth, Cas, real smooth.” Dean grinned, “I corrupted an angel.” Dean sighed dramatically and Cas rolled his eyes while sitting up slightly.

 

“Well I'm not an angel anymore and I was already a bit corrupt.” Cas answered sadly, killing the mood with a couple of words. “You just corrupted another mortal being.”

 

“Hey what the hell do you mean by “another” huh?” Dean snapped in fake anger. Like he was offended by the assumption that he corrupted a lot of people by just being himself. Cas rolled his eyes and sighed.

 

“You and I both know that I didn't mean that.” Cas replied.

 

“What if we don't?” Dean grinned at Cas and raised his eyebrows with mild disapproval and surprise.

 

“What if you shut up?” Cas refused to fall for it.

 

“What if you kiss me instead?” Dean pursed his lips and stared at Cas like a hungry man.

 

“If kissing you will silence you.” Cas was not easy, he just saw the logic under certain occasions. Which made him think about-

 

“Yup.” Dean grinned and pulled Cas back under the covers. It was cold anyway, no reason to overthink stuff.

 

 

* * *

“Hey, Cas!” Sam shouted at Cas from the library, knowing too well that Cas was in the living room adjacent to it with Dean. “Ever heard something about a Kay-dejo?” He asked when he saw Cas enter the library wearing a hoodie and jeans.

 

“It’s called cadejo, KAH-DEHO. Why?” Cas entered the library and sat down in front of Sam.

 

“Someone got word about people talking about something like that in California. Victims are being found with dog bites or reporting being followed by wolves. I'm guessing-”

 

“Shapeshifter!” Dean screamed from the corridor to the living room. He grinned and slapped Sam on the shoulder. “Or those guys who can change into dogs. Remember that one dude who lived with this chick he had a crush on as her pet?” Dean sat down on one of the chairs and put his feet up in the table.

 

“You are wrong Dean.” Cas sat down next to him in front of Sam. “Feet off the table.” He commanded and Sam raised an eyebrow when Dean obeyed. “Cadejos are a Nahuatl legend which is very popular in Central American countries, but mostly El Salvador because it housed the largest Nahuatl settlements in the pre-Columbian era. The legend talks about a white spirit dog or wolf created by God that follows lonely people in the dark, mostly drunk men, and-”

 

“So we are looking for a white murderous puppy?” Dean figured out.

 

“No, we are looking for a black dog.” Cas answered.

 

“But you just-”

 

“You just didn't let me finish, Dean.” Cas cleared his throat and turned to Sam. “This white cadejo is guarding people who are being targeted by the black cadejo which is rumored to have been created by Lucifer. These are highly spiritual beings. Which means that not only they cannot be killed, but that we shouldn't.” Dean snorted. “No, Dean. I mean it. They not only represent good and evil, but also work as vessels for even more good and evil spirits. If you kill the vessel it will liberate these spirits.” Dean groaned and Sam nodded.

 

“So what do we do?” Sam asked in his professional tone.

 

“The white one must be injured. We summon it and.” Cas shrugged. “We must go to California first, no logic in summoning it here in Kansas and force it to travel all the way back to California.”

 

Dean snorted. “Alright… wait, what? How do we even do that? Do we even know it's a KAH-bullshit-”

 

“Cadejo.” Cas corrected.

 

“-that's killing people over there? It could be a bunch of people from fucking El Dorado-”

 

“El Salvador.” Cas corrected again.

 

“-who believe in this type of shit, you know? Must be a bunch of old grannies who are telling stories to people to scare them off. You even said it's famous for following drunk guys around!”

 

“Mostly lonely people in the dark, but yeah. You are not wrong there.” Cas corrected and Dean groaned.

 

Dean scowls at him. “I'm saying shapeshifter, or animal shifter. Who gives a damn?”

 

“Dean,” Sam spoke seriously, “it matters if we get stuck in California without the ingredients for the spell.” Dean groaned.

 

“Then we take the stuff over there, just in case.” Dean stood up and slapped Cas in the shoulder. “What do you need? Everything here in the lab? Or do we need something really special?”

 

“No, the lab has everything you'll need.” Cas stood up and started heading to the lab.

 

“Great. Get the stuff for the spell and then come back to pack your duffel.” Dean slapped his shoulder once again and Sam moved past them to his own room.

 

“What?” Cas asked shocked.

 

“What?” Dean asked in a “duh” kind of way.

 

“What?” Cas asked again.

 

“You are coming with.” Dean slapped his shoulder again. Cas glared and held his abused shoulder in his hand. “Move your ass faster! California is a long ass ride from here.”

 

“You are letting me hunt?” Cas asked, eyes bugging out of his head with shock and a newly found sense of hope. He knew this Dean wasn’t even real, but this was his life now and he had to take what he got.

 

“Yeah, it's been a long time since we got out of the bunker for work.” Dean shrugged. “Can't see why not.” Dean grinned and was about to slap Cas’ arm again.

 

“If you slap my shoulder again I swear-” Dean slapped his ass instead and Cas flinched. “Did you just…?”

 

“Yup. So what? What are you gonna do about it?” Dean took some steps backwards from Cas towards his room (he began sharing it with Cas a week since they returned from Illinois).

 

“Then I guess we are leaving the bunker a bit later than expected.” Cas replied with an eyebrow raised in his most dominant gesture.

 

“Mmm... I don't think so.” Dean shook his head and winked. He took off running before Cas could say anything.

 

“Assbutt!” Cas cursed silently and ran after him. They ran into Sam in the corridor. Dean sidestepped him easily, but Cas crashed into Sam’s back and they both fell down in a tangle of limbs. Dean lost it completely and started laughing so hard he clutched at his lower abdomen.

 

“Oh my God! You should have seen your face!” Dean’s voice was high pitched from laughing and he laughed even louder when they both glared at him.

 

“Dean what the hell is-” Sam was obviously confused and in quite a bit of pain. Neither Dean nor Cas cared that Sam was having trouble breathing under Cas’ body. The dude was tiny compared to Sam, but he sure as hell was a dead weight.

 

“Dean get your ass here!” Cas shouted furiously from his spot in the floor and was pulling Sam’s hair while struggling to get up.. He squirmed to disentangle himself from Sam and Dean just laughed louder and started walking away slowly.

 

“Like hell you are getting this ass!” Dean shouted back with a shit eating grin.

 

“What the hell is going on?” Sam asked struggling to get away from Cas. He accidentally elbowed Cas in the stomach and Cas’ first reaction was to hit him back with a knee to his chest.

 

“Oh I’ll get your ass!” Cas was trying to sound evil and threatening, but his face was all red and he looked so hilarious to Dean that he just chuckled and ran away. “DEAN!” Cas shouted.

 

* * *

 

 

They finally arrived to California and Cas had the brilliant idea of using their FBI suits to interview people. Dean was impressed about Cas’ ability to speak Spanish until the obvious reason for this ability hit him. Duh, angel of the Lord!

 

Sam tried to help Cas out, but he struggled too much with his Spanish compared to Cas. Most of the people they interviewed were old Hispanic people and drunks who claimed having seen the white dog around. People looked at them really weird.

 

Questions like “why is the FBI interested in a dog?” made them exchange their suits for T-shirts and jeans. They were just normal dudes looking for their dogs.

 

There were some small incidents like women flirting with either of the guys (mostly Sam) and men just being too… useless. Really, whose idea was it to interview drunken guys? They gave up on the investigation and summoned the dog despite Dean’s protests.

 

“Wait I’ll need a larger bowl.” Cas stopped mixing his ingredients and raised his hands from the medium sized bowl. They were filthy with herbs and blood. Dean and Sam frowned at his hands.

 

“Uh… don’t worry, Cas. I’ll go.” Sam gave Dean a look to keep Cas from touching things and shrugged.

 

“Thank you Sam.” Cas dipped his hands back into the blood.

 

“Yeah, don’t mention it.” Sam pursed his lips into a smile and caught the keys when Dean threw them towards his face.

 

Dean fidgeted near the table Cas was working on, he was holding a knife dipped in holy oil and Cas knew he was hiding his holy oil burnt glasses in the jacket that he had been too nervous to remove.

 

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Cas asked. Dean seemed to have been waiting for the question because his answer came out like a whiplash.

 

“Is a fucking hellhound gonna come out from that goo?” Dean spat quickly. Cas noticed how nervous he was. It was obvious in the way Dean was gripping the knife, sweating bullets, and looking at everything in the room with wide eyes.

 

“Of course not. That would be totally illogical considering that this is a species and area specific spell.” Cas picked up a root and began munching on it, careful not to eat the blood from his fingers.

 

“Why are you eating that?” Dean asked with a disgusted frown.

 

“It needs to be bound to someone,” Cas shrugged, “like a spirit animal. It’s the white cadejo, no danger in bonding it with me for a while.” Cas accidentally got his chin smeared in blood. Dean tried not to look. “Pass me the celidonia, please.” Cas held out his hand to Dean.

 

“The what?” Dean made a confused face and started searching for the thing in Cas’ bag. He swore silently at the bunch of crap Cas had stuck into his bag.

 

“The yellow flower.” Dean found it after complaining for a while. “Thanks.”

 

“What’s that one for?” Dean asked trying not to fidget with anxiety. He wanted a distraction, and Cas was willing to give it. Cas also liked the attention he was receiving and was kinda disgusted by himself. He shrugged it off because it literally didn’t matter at all.

 

“Tribes used this herb in witchcraft for its healing properties. It will show the cadejo that we ask for protection and healing.” Dean nodded.

 

Sam came back from the Impala. Cas dipped the mixture on the other bowl. He also added more blood and something that looked like green salt. Cas chanted something in whatever language the Nahuatl tribe spoke (they spoke Nahuatl… big surprise). Sam and Dean looked at Cas with twin shocked expressions when he finished his chanting and drank a bit from the bowl.

 

“Then why did you needed such a big bowl?” Sam asked with an incredulous expression. He was annoyed because he had gone all the way to the parking lot and had been forced to dig around the duffel Cas had left in there because it was too cumbersome to carry up and down the motel stairs.

 

Cas shook his head and walked towards the bathroom without a word. He paid no attention to Sam and Dean when they followed him with curious eyes. Next, he chanted something else in Nahuatl that pretty much sounded like gibberish. Cas then took off his shirt, jeans, and walked into the shower wearing only his white boxers. He bathed himself in the broth, making sure to rub himself with the goo carefully. Dean was horrified. Sam was looking disgusted and crinkling his nose. He really didn’t want to look at Cas taking a bath with blood.

 

“I’ll… uh… go read something.” Sam fled the bathroom with the lame excuse, leaving Dean and Cas alone. Cas continued to scrub himself with the blood.

 

“Eww,” Dean exclaimed, “I’m so not kissing you for a month.” Dean covered his mouth and gagged when he smelt blood mixed with nasty elements. It was pungent and smelled like dry fish.

 

“You and I both know that is a lie.” Cas commented in a relaxed tone. He was currently rubbing the back of his neck and staring back at Dean.

 

“Has anyone ever told you that you are full of shit?” Dean pursed his lips and crossed his arms

 

“You love it.” Cas winked at him in the most seductive way he could muster. It wasn’t much because he still needed to learn how to do it properly, but Dean was disgusted by it anyway. The blood and leaves in his face probably helped.

 

“Shut up.” Dean snapped and huffed out loud when Cas grinned and started chanting in a low tone.

 

Light surrounded Cas there was a hissing sound. Dean held his knife tighter and donned the glasses. Cas raised an eyebrow and looked around the room. Sam came into the room running with his own pair of glasses and a gun. Cas rolled his eyes at the glasses and sighed. They really didn’t trust him completely. The light faded out and the hissing noise stopped. Nothing happened for a long time.

 

“Was that it?” Dean frowned, but didn’t lower his knife when Sam lowered his gun.

 

“Yes.” Cas answered.

 

“Where’s the dog?” Sam asked.

 

Cas shook his head- “I don’t know, I can’t feel his presence.”

 

“Feel? You can still feel things the angel way?” Sam was surprised and looked at Dean for an answer. Dean shrugged and turned to Cas.

 

“I can feel presences.” Cas shrugged and turned on the shower. “It’s no big deal considering that it only works for spiritual beings.”

 

“Can you do anything else like an angel?” Dean asked gently. Cas gave him a sad look and lowered his head under the spray of water.

 

“I’m useless like this.”

 

“Hey,” Dean took a step forward and placed a hand on his head. His hair was free from blood so it didn’t matter. “You are not useless, Cas. You are stronger and far more clever than us.” Dean turned to Sam. “Right, Sam?”

 

Sam nodded. “Yeah,” he smiled, “I mean, we wouldn’t have known anything about this dog without you. Much less deliver the spell without saying it wrong like you did.”

 

“Yeah, that thing from El Dorado was really awesome Cas.” Dean grinned and stroked his hair gently. Sam looked uncomfortable where he stood.

 

Cas leaned into the touch and straightened his stance. Sam and Dean left him alone in the bathroom eventually. This was all so… bittersweet. He was hunting just like he wanted. He was getting praise from the brothers. He had Dean or something close to it. He had his own Dean.

 

He had his own Dean.

 

Cas smiled and closed his eyes. At least he could call something his. He had something constant and peaceful. He knew that’s what his heaven would look like anyway. Shadows of the real Sam and Dean hunting with him and just hanging out. Heaven wasn’t really real, just like the dream. The difference was that he could still go out into the real world and continue his suffering.

 

He shivered at the thought of going back and receiving all the hateful looks Dean would give him or to generally being a burden to the Winchesters. He couldn’t say he had his brothers and sisters because they all despised him or feared him. It was funny that some angels feared him even in his deplorable mortal form.

 

Dean knocked on the door. Cas frowned at him. He hadn’t noticed when they closed the door, a side effect of living in a dream: things got blurry.

 

“Dude, we are going out to bring some food.” Dean shouted through the door.

 

“Okay,” Cas shouted back.

 

Dean knocked on the door once in acknowledgement and Cas heard the brothers exit through the front door. He finished his shower and dressed himself back into his jeans and t-shirt. He grabbed the keys to the motel and went outside. There was a pool at the back of the motel which gave him some sense of curiosity. He had never got the chance to swim in his current mortal state. Perhaps would ask Dean to teach him later.

 

He sat on one of the white chairs and relaxed under the shade given by the run-down building.

 

Relaxing was something quite new to him. It was strange and peaceful. Most of the time he was unable to do it because of his constant thoughts. He couldn’t seem to be able to stop thinking nowadays. He supposed it was something worth worrying about, but it doesn’t quite bother him.

 

There was no one else out, just him. There was a gentle breeze slowly lulling him to sleep and the sun was retreating slowly, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. The breeze was playing with his hair and brushing the surface of the water. He could hear the distinctive sound of claws on concrete-

 

“Huh?” Cas raised his head and was met with red eyes looking down at him. Those eyes reminded him of the hellfire, vibrant and of a deep red color. The dog looked like a white Samoyed with goofy ears, he was really cute despite the bloody stare. Cas tilted his head and the dog copied his movement. “So, you are the one who hasn’t been doing his job properly.” The dog shook his head and snorted. “Oh. I apologize for assuming such a thing.” The dog nodded as if accepting his apology. “Do you know anything about the recent murders in this area?” The dog barked once. “Is it being caused by one of your brethren?” The dog huffed. “So, it’s not a cadejo subject?” The dog whined and laid a paw on his lap. It looked so at ease with his presence that Cas was honestly surprised. “Should I take that as a no?” The dog barked and laid his head on his lap. He closed his eyes and Cas smiled warmly at him. “Well, then...I’ll just unbind you then.” The dog huffed, but didn’t remove its head from its place. “Okay, we will get to that later.” Cas laid back on the chair and slowly began to scratch the dog’s ear. The dog nuzzled his leg thanking Cas for the affective gesture.

 

The air grew colder eventually and Cas forced himself to walk all the way to his motel room. The dog followed him dutifully and Cas was thankful that none of the staff was outside to see him with a dog on a no-pets-allowed area. He push the door open and saw the brothers already there. When the dog barked Sam almost dropped the plate he was carrying from the kitchen to the table. Dean for his part choked a bit on his food and hit his chest repeatedly.

 

“Is that the-” Sam stopped talking mainly because of the shock and partly because he couldn’t pronounce that name correctly.

 

“He is.” Cas nodded using “he” instead of “it” out of respect, “he also claims that the murders are not his fault.”

 

Dean lowered the knife he had procured from thin air. “It talks?”

 

“No, but it is highly intelligent. If you excuse me I need to unbind him.” Cas headed to the bathroom.

 

“Uhh… how are you gonna do that?” Dean asked. He gave the dog a look as it sat down next to bathroom dog and stared at him steadily. Dean figured that he was fine sitting at the table for now.

 

“I’m going to regurgitate the root I ate.” Cas raised an eyebrow like it was obvious. He nodded, excusing himself headed to the bathroom.

 

Dean tentatively followed after him and crossed his arms. “Do you even know how to do that?”

 

“I- uh…”

 

Long story short, he didn’t. Dean tried to coach him, but Cas wasn’t able to do it. They spent about half an hour or so on it. Sam had been disgusted by the whole process and decided to steal Cas’ extra room to sleep alone. The dog eventually entered the room and licked Cas in the cheek. He pushed Cas with a gentle head-butt and Cas smiled at him. The dog whined and Cas petted the fur on his side gently.

 

“Well, I guess we'll just have to wait it out.” Dean shrugged and grabbed a towel. He got it wet with some warm water and brushed the sweat away from Cas’ skin. He was flustered and a bit tired from the ordeal.

 

“You mean defecating?” Cas asked and Dean rolled his eyes.

 

“I didn’t know how disgusting some words could sound.” Dean helped Cas up and led him to the bed. “Don’t move.” Dean went over to the kitchen and fixed a pair of plates with cold food. He brought them over to the bed and gave one to Cas. “Scoot over.” Cas made space for Dean and they both sat down with their backs to headboard and cold Chinese food.

 

It was a comfortable silence. The dog had laid down in between the beds with his head resting on top of his paws.

 

“I am sorry for being unable to break the bond between us.” Cas told the dog. The dog raised his head and stood up to lick Cas’ hand. “Do you want some food?” The dog tilted his head. “Food.” Cas picked up a piece of chicken and offered it to the dog.

 

“How sure are you that this thing eats?”

 

“Even if he doesn’t need it, he will be able to taste it.” Cas shrugged, the only beings unable to taste things were angels and ghouls. The dog tentatively licked the piece of chicken and slowly took it from his hands. “See?” The dog practically swallowed the chicken whole and Cas decided that Chinese food was okay for spiritual beings because he laid down his entire plate on the floor. He didn’t have much appetite anyway.

 

“You like it, don’t you?” Dean asked Cas, referring to the dog and looking at it with a certain lack of trust. Like the dog was going to jump and eat his face, which he probably could seeing how big it was.

 

“Yes, it reminds me of better days.” Cas smiled and got comfortable under the covers.

 

Dean sighed, “I’m sorry about your grace, I wish I could do something about it.” Dean shifted his position and placed his leftovers on the floor for the dog to eat. He reached over and Cas immediately laid his head on top of his chest. Dean smiled lazily and held Cas tighter between his strong arms. Cas smelled like the herbs and the salt from the spell. Dean smelt like wood and leather.

 

“Hmm” Cas hummed, it indicated that he was listening but didn't really care. Dean sighed and held him closer to his warm body.

 

Dean chose to change the subject instead. “Does it have any significance that it's bonded to you?”

 

“Only that it will protect me when I'm lonely which is what he does anyway. Follow and protect lonely people. It will go away once the root is no longer in my system.” Cas shrugged and kissed Dean's chest. He placed his hand where his heart should be and closed his eyes.

 

“I’m kinda glad you are disgusting.” Dean commented nonchalantly.

 

“What?” Cas looked up at Dean with a confused glare.

 

Dean chuckles, “Sam was so disgusted by you trying to throw up that he left the room all to ourselves.”

 

“And?”

 

“And… it gives me space to do whatever I want with you.” Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas gently on his forehead and then on his lips.

 

Cas could never understand how soft and perfect his lips were. How relaxed he was when Dean was holding him just like this. How soft his skin was and what it tasted like. It wasn’t a perfect existence by any chance, but this was damn near perfect and he loved every moment.

  
This was everything he wanted and more. This was what he needed.


	8. “Wake up little Susie” - The Everly Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super long chapter because I took my sweet time updating

 

 

The Winchester brothers found the old paint warehouse on the outskirts of the city. The building was covered in a decade’s worth of graffiti and grime. The large windows had all been broken over the years. The streets were completely deserted and dark. The type of lonely you expected from a place where people fear for their wallets even in the safety of their cars.

 

Dean parked two buildings away from the actual warehouse. He and Sam picked up their guns, a couple of silver knives dipped in lamb's blood, and extra ammo. They had dipped the silver bullets in lamb’s blood back at the motel.

 

They knew not to separate once inside the building, past experiences having taught them to do so the hard way. Sam led the way with his flashlight and let Dean open the main door without making much sound. Dean held the door open and then walked in behind Sam, his gun raised to eye level along with his own flashlight. Dean felt invincible with the anger coursing through his veins like hellfire, and while that's arguably an exaggeration, bottom line is he wanted them to show their faces so that he could beat the shit out of them.

 

The place was filled with dust and rows of old paint buckets. There were signs of several people coming in and out of the warehouse judging by the tracks marked on the dusty floor. These led them to a door and what would have been a manager's office at one point. It was a wreck inside, with desks overturned and pushed to the side along with some crates and papers spread all over the floor.

 

Dean stepped over the papers and headed straight to the only door in the room. They went down the metallic stairs behind said door silently. Something about the darkness of the room below made them feel the need to be silent.

 

Once down stairs, their view was blocked by even more paint buckets. They went around the makeshift wall and froze when they saw what lay behind it. Dimmed light bulbs hung from ceiling, illuminating at least 30 old mattresses laid in two rows on the floor. There was one victim per mattress, each one of them connected to twin IV lines. The first fed them with some clear liquid, probably saline with extra nutrients. The second IV line drained their blood into large blood bags, and catheters. Both brothers were shocked to see such thing.

 

The smell of sweat and urine was heavy in the air along with the smell that could only be described as "hospital smell". Dean rubbed his nose, but didn't cover it. He checked the first victims he could see and knelt down to remove the IVs that went into the blood bags. Sam kept guard.

 

He had taken care of six of them, until he heard the clatter of a bottle. Sam saw a door adjacent to the room they stood in. Dean stood up and motioned for Sam to follow him. The brothers stood next to the doors with their backs to the wall. Sam nodded and Dean used his entire body weight to kick down the door, it separated from its hinges and both brothers started shooting at anything that had black tattoos on their faces.

 

Dean ran out of ammo first and a male djinn used the moment to lunge at him. Sam hit him in the back of the head and knocked it out before it could poison him. Dean used the knife tucked on the back of his jeans to stab it in the face. He left the knife stuck in its eye and grabbed his gun to shoot a female djinn in the stomach. She was still standing so Sam finished her off with a well-placed shot from his handgun. Dean knelt to grab his knife while Sam covered him. There were at least 5 dead djinns in the floor.

 

The noise seemed to call other djinns from other rooms and from upstairs. Sam sighed and killed the final djinn.

 

“This is highly unusual, Dean.” Sam hesitated and gulped. “Djinn don’t travel in packs. ” Sam gave him a worried look and Dean laughed.

 

“Looks like a party to me, Sam.” Dean grinned and wiped some blood from his chin. Sam rolled his eyes.

 

They waited inside the room for the rest of the djinns. The group of djinns ran into the room head first to check on the wounded, thinking that Sam and Dean had exited the room. The brothers used their knives to save ammo. It was a small group anyway.

 

"Sam, we should take care of the vics." Dean reloaded his gun. "I'll cover you." Sam nodded and ran to the first person he saw.

 

They went back to the victims and Sam started applying antidotes and removing IV lines. Dean shot down four more djinns while Sam did his job. A pair of djinns tried to knock Dean down, but he used his knives to fend them off. The splash of blood hit him in the face and ruined his shirt. Dean groaned and wiped some blood from his face with his forearm.

 

A large group came in and Sam helped Dean take them out. They sliced throats easily, but one djinn managed to stab Dean in the leg. He wanted to scream, but instead he gritted his teeth and kept fighting.

 

Sam went back to the victims and Dean sat down in a crate with a clear view of the doors and staircase. He reloaded one of his guns with practiced ease and nodded when Sam asked him with a look if he was okay.

 

There were no more djinns coming in and Dean was starting to think that the crate was quite comfortable. Perhaps he should take it back to the bunker.

 

“Dude, give me a hand here.” Sam shouted from across the room. “You take this row and I’ll take the other.” Dean gave him a tired thumbs up and awkwardly stood up. He started removing needles and injecting antidotes.

 

Sam and Dean checked the victims one by one. Sadly, they found out that some had no pulse to check. Most had clear signs of severe dehydration and large bruises in the crook of their arms because of the needles. A few of them were in hypovolemic shock according to Sam, they were sweating, had weak pulses, and blue lips and fingernails. One or two victims had gangrene on their arms. Dean made sure to call in more ambulances.

 

They had almost forgotten about Cas when Sam saw a familiar black mop of hair.

 

“Oh my God! DEAN! I found him!” Sam yelled at Dean and they both ran forward to Cas. He was pale and thin, but he had a lazy smile on his face. Cas wasn’t wearing his coat, he had dirt all over his clothes and smelled like he had gone to the gym, peed himself slightly, then slept in his gym clothes. His bones were visible and he had lost far too much muscle. The only thing seemingly keeping him alive was the IV bag with fluids.

 

The worst part was the lazy smile on his chapped lips.

 

“Son of a bitch.” Dean murmured like a prayer.

 

He knelt down by Cas and gently removed the IV that was draining his blood. Sam injected the antidote in the remaining IV bag. Dean went to the first aid kit and cleaned Cas’ arm with an alcohol swab and placed a band aid over the small purple bruise in the crook of his arm. He also cleaned his face a bit with the baby wipes Sam liked to use for cleaning his guns when they lacked D-Lead Wipes. Dean, of course, hated when Sam copied Dad’s bad habit from his army days.

 

Sam informed Dean that no one in the row he was taking care of had catheters in them. It seemed that at least the djinns changed those regularly and perhaps even on schedule.

 

"Well thank God because I'm pretty sure I didn't want to be doing that on my Friday night." Dean joked and Sam laughed silently. Dean turned to glare at Cas, he was so damned angry with him. He laid a gentle hand on his long hair and hit the mattress with his other hand. Sam flinched. "I'll go check on the others." Dean stood up abruptly and did just that. Sam also stood up and continued where he had left off.

 

Dean finished with his row and looked around for the trench coat and angel blade. He found them both on a table and rummaged in the pockets to find his wallet, a broken phone and a motel room key. He showed Sam the name of the motel.

 

“Guess who our neighbor was?” Dean commented with a sour face.

 

“The Pelican?” Sam asked with disbelief. Dean simply nodded.

 

“I’m taking this to the Impala, be right back.” Dean practically ran upstairs.

 

Sam wanted to protest that going alone was stupid, but Dean was already halfway up the stairs. Dean tucked the coat under his arm and held his handgun on the other. He was well aware of how dangerous leaving Sam alone was and how stupid it was for him to go out there alone. Dean just couldn't bear to be in there any longer. He thought that finding Cas would lift a huge weight from his shoulders and not cause his stomach to churn with anxiety. He wasn’t even sure what was causing it.

 

The Impala was a sight for sore eyes. He tucked the coat into a plastic bag, since it was filthy with blood and dirt. He left the bag in the trunk along with Cas’ blade and other stuff. He could get that later. He closed the trunk and ignored the ache in his leg all the way back to the warehouse.

 

He heard a noise, like someone had accidentally tripped over a table. He took out his knife and held his gun higher and went into the room that used to be an office. Dean saw a woman, she was blond and free of any tattoos. Dean didn’t lower his gun.

 

“Oh!” She said once she saw him, “you are Dean Winchester.” It wasn’t a question and the recognition in her eyes was clear to Dean.

 

“Who are you?” Dean shouted, hoping to scare her off. Fear made people nervous and honest, especially with a gun pointed at their face.

 

“Hmm… I’d thought you’d be taller.” She frowned and studied his stance, completely ignoring the gun. “Although, I must admit that you are really hot.”

 

Dean snorted, “I asked you something!” He shouted again.

 

“Oh, I know. I’m just not going to answer that directly.” She grinned and tilted her head in a typical psychotic gesture. “Do you ever wonder what angels dream about?” She pursed her lips and tapped her temples like she was thinking hard. “Cute, dorky little guy like him…” she opened her mouth in a dramatic gesture of awe, Dean cut her off before she could say anything else.

 

“Shut up!” Dean barked.

 

She raised an eyebrow, “Or what? You'll shoot me?” She shrugged, “I'm dead meat anyway. You killed my entire clan and it's obvious that I'm no match for your macho-ness or your baby brother downstairs. Can't make a run for it either, you'll just shoot me while I run and I'm not even that athletic.” She grimaced mockingly, “the only thing left for me is to tease your curiosity and attempt to sate mine.”

 

“What do you mean?” Dean asked slowly; not lowering his gun, but also not ready to kill her right away.

 

“Oh well I just wanted to know what those blue eyes saw in you and your brother.” She pauses to glare at him. “You two are the most selfish assholes I've ever had the disgrace to meet via the djinn link, and I've met plenty of assholes. Making your dear Cas happy wasn't easy, but it sure as hell was something I wanted to do for him since you two treated him like shit ever since you set your gorgeous green eyes on him.” She smirked and looked directly at his eyes.

 

Dean felt his blood boil and took the safety off his gun. “I’ll rip your head off if you say anything else, bitch.”

 

“Cute.” She raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms in a totally unimpressed gesture. “Always such a gentleman Dean Winchester.” The woman rolled her eyes. “Must have something to do with the daddy issues.” She pouted at him in mock pity and Dean felt something inside of him burning like the pits of hell. “You really don’t want to know? I must say that Cas is really something else.” The woman grinned devilishly and bit her lip seductively. “He even asked me to keep him inside the dream.” She seemed to get sad all of the sudden, her teasing tone completely gone. “He really hates living.”

 

“Alright, shut the fuck up.” Dean shot her through her forehead and walked down stairs with blood splattered on his chest. He nodded at Sam who was kneeling besides the victims.

 

“Uhh...” Sam opened his mouth like he was going to say something.

 

“Found someone hiding upstairs.” Dean commented with a shrug. Sam nodded and went to check on Cas.

 

“Dean...” Sam whispered once several of the victims started to wake up.

 

“He is not waking up is he?” Dean frowned and walked over to where Sam was kneeling. He knelt and slapped Cas’ cheek as gently as he could. “Are you telling me that this asshole is not waking up on purpose?” Dean snapped angrily. He heard some moans responding to his loud voice on the other side of the room. “Even these guys are already waking up.” He felt something cold settle on his stomach. What the blonde djinn had said couldn't possibly be true.

 

“Everyone’s different Dean.” Sam muttered while getting his warm travel mug from his bag.

 

“Yeah, I know that Sam; but he is not stupid and he should know better!” Dean shouted before standing up to help other victims. “Prepare that shit quickly. I want to kick his ass myself.” Dean’s voice was hard, but his hands were gentle on the victims. Despite his anger and anxiety, he knew better than to be rough.

 

“Like hell I’m letting you inside his head like that.” Sam huffed angrily and leaned forward to take some hair from Cas. He placed the hair in the mug and moved it around gently.

 

“I wasn’t asking you, Sam.” Dean stood up and moved forward to take the mug from Sam’s hands. Sam’s eyes widened in surprise and he quickly drank it all up in one gulp. “Dude!”

 

“Ugh, this tastes horrible with milk! I should have added honey instead.” Sam wiped his mouth roughly and coughed. “I wonder if it will work… I didn’t let the hair sit long enough.” He pursed his lips and stared at the bottom of his mug like it was something alien.

 

“Serves you right, bitch.” Dean pursed his lips and continued helping the victims sit up gently.

 

“Jerk.”

 

“Go to sleep, bitch.”

 

“Shut up, De-” Sam fainted and his body fell to the floor in a heap next to Cas’ mattress.

 

Dean chuckled and continued working. He heard a noise upstairs and grabbed his gun. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

 

 

Sam woke up in his bedroom at the bunker. His head hurt like hell and his eyelids were heavy. He shook his head violently to clear his mind and tried to stand up. He regretted it soon enough and laid back on the bed with a hand on his forehead. He felt like he had one of the worst hangovers ever.

 

Sam waited five minutes and the sensation faded. He shrugged it off as a side effect of not waiting for the spell to settle down correctly. He was in his pajamas and not his hunter outfit. He raised an eyebrow at his outfit.

 

“Okay, this is weird.” Sam commented out loud. “What does me being in pajamas have to do with Cas’ view of a perfect reality?” Sam asked himself in a whisper. The question was so weird that he had to say it out loud to process it.

 

He shrugged and walked outside barefoot. He headed to the kitchen first and found Dean setting up the coffee machine.

 

“Mornin’” Dean grunted out. He was shirtless and wearing some green flannel pants he had never seen Dean wear. He probably didn’t even own pajama bottoms. Dean slept in boxers and a random shirt if he managed to change his clothes before passing out from exhaustion.

 

Sam was frowning at the pants for what felt like an eternity. He had seen those pants somewhere. He looked up at Dean who was frowning back at him.

 

“What?” Dean snapped.

 

“I don’t know.” Sam answered, he was pretty sure his expression depicted him as freaked out. What the hell was going on? “I’ve never seen you in those pants before.” Sam blurted out and his eyes widened in fear. He didn’t know if the “things” in Cas’ dream would turn violent towards him if he tried to sabotage the fantasy.

 

“They are not mine obviously.” Dean filled his cup of coffee and gave Sam the stink eye. “Stop with the teasing, Sam.” Dean looked annoyed as he moved further into the kitchen area with his steaming cup of coffee in one hand.

 

“Teasing?” Sam asked totally confused. What the fuck?

 

Dean groaned. “Oh come on! Don’t be cute.” Dean rolled his eyes. “You’ve been teasing me ever since you saw us kissing.”

 

“Us?” What the actual fuck was going on?

 

“Oh my GOD! Shut up!” Dean whined. He set his cup on the counter with too much force and opened the fridge to get out some eggs and bacon. “If you want pancakes there’s some mix in there.” Dean grumbled and closed the door with his hip to start cooking.

 

“Uhh... thanks but I’m not hungry.” Sam moved slowly towards the coffee machine and filled his own cup. He pretended that everything was normal; he didn’t want the dream to attack him. Sam sat down on the counter where he could keep an eye on Dean while also staying close to the nearest exit. He had watched inception enough times to know that he needed to act casual.

 

He almost broke his neck with a violent movement when he heard the telltale sounds of bare feet coming towards the kitchen. So much for acting casual.

 

“Dean, have you seen my pants?” Cas walked in wearing his boxers and one of Dean’s band shirts. His hair was wilder than ever and he was rubbing his eyes with a yawn. Cas took a look at Dean’s flannel covered legs and sighed. “Well of course you took them...” Cas walked in and nodded towards Sam when they made eye contact. “Good morning, Sam.”

 

“Morning, Cas.” Sam tried not to choke on his coffee.

 

“Hey! No good morning for me?” Dean whined loudly.

 

“Don’t be a jerk, I already said good morning to you.” Cas walked towards Dean and wrapped his arms around his waist. He rubbed his nose against Dean’s shoulder and laid a gentle kiss on his neck.

 

“Well you didn’t really say much this morning.” Dean teased with a low voice and a grin. He turned around to pull Cas into a rough kiss. Sam tried not to choke.

 

Cas pulled back solely. “And you said too much.” Cas kissed his cheek lightly before heading to the coffee machine. “You shouldn’t fry bacon without a shirt on.” Cas reprimanded Dean by playfully slapping his arm. Dean rolled his eyes.

 

“Well, I would probably wear a shirt, but somebody decided to steal mine.”

 

“Well, I wasn’t going to wear mine for obvious reasons.” Cas shrugged and took a sip from his coffee.

 

“Well, it was your idea to use it to clean all the jizz.” Dean gave an apologetic look to Sam whose mouth was wide open. “Sorry about that, Sammy.” He returned his attention back to Cas. “I don’t even know why you keep your stuff in the other room. You barely even use it anymore.”

 

“That could have sound like you wanted me to move in, but considering that we actually already live together...” Cas shrugged instead of finishing his sentence.

 

“Smartass.”

 

Neither of them paid attention at Sam who was having a mental breakdown on the dining table. Sam had both hands buried deep into his hair and he was staring with wide eyes at both of them. It was like looking at a car crash. It was terrible thing that you shouldn’t really be looking at it, but curiosity kept your eyes fixed on the car.

 

“You sure don’t want anything?” Dean asked Sam, turning around slightly.

 

Sam shook his head. “No thanks, I already ate something.” Dean shrugged and Cas gave him a curious look. Sam tensed under the scrutiny and tight lipped smiled at Cas who tilted his head with a frown.

 

They looked at each other for a while (not quite understanding the meaning of each other’s stare), until a bark caught their attention.

 

Dean jumped, “son of a bitch!” He shook his hand like it was on fire. Dean had accidentally touched the hot pan when the dog surprised him (he wasn’t scared, obviously).

 

“Hello,” Cas took a bit of warm bacon from the plate it was sitting on and offered it to the dog. “Haven’t seen you in weeks.”

 

The dog barked. Sam was even more confused. What’s up with the dog? Why is there a dog in this dream? He could have guessed that Cas would dream of having a cat sanctuary, but never dogs. Cas was even kneeling in front of the bear-like dog and petting it like it was a puppy and not a beast.

 

Dean seemed to ask Sam’s silent question. “What’s it doing in here?”

 

“Oh,” Cas turned and looked at Dean without removing his hand from the dog’s head. “It’s been coming around a lot. He likes food.”

 

“Everyone likes food, Cas.” Dean snapped, “Stop feeding him my bacon, will you?”

 

“There’s enough bacon for everyone, Dean.” Cas glared at Dean. Sam just stared because he didn’t know what else to do. They looked like an old married couple and Sam wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 

Dean groaned. “Fine!” He continued to cook, “Just don’t let it come near me or Sam.”

 

“I still don’t know why it’s so aggressive towards you and basically anyone else I talk to.” Cas muttered silently, but both Sam and Dean were able to hear him.

 

Sam had the sudden idea that this dog could sense who was real and who wasn’t. Perhaps he was a psychological defense mechanism created from the vestiges of Cas’ grace. To test his hypothesis, he needed to pet the dog.

 

He stood up casually and walked to the kitchen to grab some bacon. Dean huffed like he knew the dog was going to bite his ass or something. Sam ignore this Dean. This happy and domestic Dean who looked relaxed and… and what?

 

“He’s just gonna growl and eat the thing despite the whole alpha dog aggressiveness going on.” Dean rolled his eyes.

 

“We’ll see.” Sam knelt next to Cas and placed the bacon on his open palm. Cas gave him a sideways look, but didn’t say anything. Sam decided that Cas was just being his usual weird self. “Here, boy!” The dog looked at him and Sam shivered when those hellish eyes focused on him. He could tell that the dog was quite smart from the way the dog studied him. It tilted its head in curiosity and Sam raised his eyebrows with expectation. The dog huffed and took the food from his hand.

 

“What the hell?” Dean threw his hands up in the air and took a piece of bacon. He kneeled carefully besides Sam and the dog growled immediately. “I give up!” Dean rolled his eyes and continued cooking. “I swear that thing hates me!”

 

“Perhaps if you stopped calling him a thing...” Cas stood up and wrapped his arms around Dean’s middle resting his chin on his shoulder. Dean sighed and leaned back with a smile. He was only making French toast, so he didn’t need his full concentration.

 

Sam started hard. He could feel his neurons dying or committing suicide because of what he was seeing. It’s not that he was against it. He was just too shocked and surprised.

 

“Wow,” he whispered out loud without realizing.

 

“Shut your cakehole.” Dean huffed.

 

The white dog whined at Sam and gently bit his hand. Sam raised an eyebrow and began petting his head just like Cas was doing. The dog took a step away from his hand and barked.

 

“Ha! See?” Dean grinned and Cas slapped his arm gently. He rolled his eyes and gently laid a kiss on Dean’s neck.

 

“Stop bullying your brother.” Cas commanded and kissed his shoulder.

 

“Or what?”

 

“That question is full of possibilities.” Cas muttered. Sam almost had an aneurism.

 

“Woah, so kinky and it’s barely 8am, Cas!” Dean laughed and Cas rolled his eyes and took a step back. “Hey, no! Come back!” Dean whined. (Oh. My. God. Dean whined.) “It’s cold in here, Cas!” Dean wanted to follow Cas, but he couldn’t leave the food alone.

 

“Use that trick with someone else!” Cas sat down on the table and sipped on his coffee with a lazy smile. He was so not going to let himself be pushed by Dean.

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Your loss.” Dean shrugged and finished his cooking. He prepared two plates and settled them on the table.

 

Sam sat on the table with his coffee to keep an eye on Cas. It was bizarre really, to see them acting so domestic and happy. Cas looked blissed out and at ease with himself. His shoulders weren’t tense. His entire body wasn’t tense. He wondered how long Cas had been living this life. He had no idea how time worked on djinn induced dreams. Sam knew nothing except that what he was seeing was Cas loving Dean without it being forced or weird. They pretty much looked like an old married couple with the teasing and the easy aura. They also looked like they were new to this, they couldn’t stop smiling at each other. It wasn’t a huge shit-eating grin, it was one of those small smiles that emanated warmth with a just a tug at the corner of the lips.

 

Cas stood up to wash the dishes, Dean excused himself to go brush his teeth. Sam sat frozen at the table. It was the perfect opportunity to talk to Cas about it. The only problem was that Sam didn’t know how to break it down easily for Cas. He just looked so relaxed and at ease. He was even humming something while he washed a cup.

 

“Hey, Cas.” Sam started talking at the same time that Dean materialized in the door frame uttering the same words. Cas turned around with a sense of surprise and with a wet plate on his hand.

 

“Yes?” Cas asked looking at the brothers with a confused look.

 

Sam couldn’t force the words out of his throat and instead just gaped like a fish out of water.

 

Dean frowns. “Sam, what the hell is wrong with you?”

 

“Nothing, nothing… just tired.” Sam tries to smile at Dean who crosses his arms with an air of cynicism.

 

“You sure?” Sam nods. “Well, I was planning on watching some Netflix with Cas in the empty room.”

 

Cas felt the need to correct him. “It’s technically my room so-”

 

“IN the empty room with some popcorn or shit.” Dean shrugged. “I’m bored and there are no new cases.” Dean moved to the pantry and picked out a bag of instant popcorn, the double butter type. Cas made a face like he wanted to complain. Sam just smiled like he was in pain (but still a smile and not a grimace) while Dean grinned.

 

Sam doesn’t touch the popcorn. Cas looks slightly uncomfortable until Dean rests his head on his shoulder. Cas sighs and hugs Dean tightly. Dean raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything.

 

They are halfway through the movie when Cas says “I need to go to the bathroom” and stands up abruptly. Dean looked at him with concern and glared at Sam as if challenging him to do something.

 

Sam is nervous, “Dean?” he asks. Dean rolls his eyes.

 

“You and I both know I’m not Dean.” Dean or not-Dean shrugged. “Sorry dude. You are not DiCaprio in Inception. I knew right away that you were the real Sam Winchester from the moment you woke up.” Not-Dean smiled with tight lips and tilted his head. He was looking at Sam with mock pity and Sam just remembered how Dean gave him the same look when he was a demon.

 

“What are you gonna do to me?” Sam asked in a trembling voice. He tried to get as far from not-Dean without making any sudden movements. He didn't know what death inside a dream would cause to his mind and he was not going to figure that one out.

 

“Me?” He gasped “Oh Sammy you insult me!” Not-Dean grinned widely, like a beast finally finding his prey. “I'm not doing anything wrong Sammy.”

 

“It's Sam.” Sam bit back weakly. It was really scary to see Dean like this again. Even if it wasn't Dean.

 

Not-Dean couldn’t believe that was his response. “Whatever! Who cares, Sammy?” He laughed. “I'm not the one who's gonna hurt Cas!” Sam frowned. “What? You think he's better off out there with you two?” Dean shouted, “of course you do! You and your brother are some of the most selfish sons of bitches I've ever seen.” He huffed in disbelief. “You treat that fucking car better than him! You used to treat him like a freaking attack dog and now that he is powerless you barely even talk to him.” Not-Dean brushed a hand through his hair and face in a familiar gesture that the real Dean uses when he was angry and tired. It was bizarre and Sam couldn't stop from staring. “You don't even know that he wanted to kill himself.”

 

“What?” Sam stuttered.

 

“Oh yes. After the leviathan incident or during, I’m not sure. He just didn't tell you anything.” Not-Dean smiled sadly. “I wish he had. You would have tried to fix him or something.” He shook his head angrily. “He told Dean fucking Winchester instead and you know what he did?” A pause, “Nothing, nada. Just looked at him sadly with his gorgeous green eyes like Cas was a lost puppy and then acted like everything was fine.” He threw his arms to the air and stood up. “I'm not saying that Dean didn't give a fuck! I'm just saying that he doesn't take care of Cas like I do. He has everything here!” Not-Dean gestured wildly to the room like a madman, and laughed like one too. It was a bizarre mix between a sob and a chuckle. “I'm the one who gets to love him here. To love him like he deserves!” Not-Dean’s eyes started to tear up with emotion. Sam could feel his axons losing their myelin. “He has suffered through far too much Sammy. Don't make him lose me too.” Not-Dean finished his speech and hit the wall with a grunt.

 

Sam was utterly confused about what he was seeing. The djinn looked completely bare in front of him. He was angry, passionate, and sad. Just like Dean in a sense. Sam chuckled and looked down at his hands.

 

“This is wrong.” Sam whispered.

 

“So what?” The djinn asked bitterly.  He sounded so defeated… lost even.

 

Sam raised his head and looked at him. He couldn't entirely see what was going on in his head. The djinn looked entirely truthful.

 

And it was scary.

 

“Guys?” Cas asked when he entered the room and saw his Dean close to tears and Sam glaring at him. Something was wrong and he knew what it was.

 

Not-Dean sighed and headed out of the room in an effort to leave Sam and Cas alone. He hit Cas’ shoulder in his way out.

 

“Cas…” Sam said when he saw that Cas was about to run after him. “I… Dean is not-”

 

“I know Sam.” Cas interrupted. “I also know that you are the real Sam and that you are here to wake me up.” Cas walked the distance from the hall to the couch and sat down heavily with a sigh.

 

Sam raised an eyebrow. “You know?” He asked carefully with a sense of mistrust and disbelief.

 

“Of course I know.” Cas looked down at the shirt he wore. “It's obvious that this can't be real.” Cas sighed heavily and looked at the ceiling. “It's not just Dean. It's you being my friend. It's me being a good hunter despite my lack of social skills. It's me not being a burden to you.” He returned his eyes to his lap and gripped the hem of his shirt like a lifeline. “Dreams have a different feeling. Like the colors are more vibrant and the details are more blurry because it doesn't matter. It's certainly strange that not everything in here comes from my subconscious. I guess the djinn is participating actively in what happens here. I always knew this was a dream… and still I chose not to wake up when I felt the antidote coursing through my veins.”

 

“You felt that too?” Not-Dean asked from the door frame. He was leaning against it casually and holding his arms in front of his naked chest. Cas couldn't help but look at him sadly. This Dean was staring back with a pained expression. It was so raw and open.

 

Sam suddenly realized that whenever this Dean left a room, he always lurked in the hall to spy on Cas. Which meant that they were never going to be alone. He might as well do something about the dream right now.

 

“Of course, remember that I used to be an angel.” Cas replied.

 

“You'll always be my angel.” Not-Dean moved forward and Cas stood up.

 

Sam couldn't help it once again and just stared as they looked at each other. He was not unfamiliar with those stares. He had seen them several times, but they had never been this open. It was horrible and beautiful at the same time. It was like this being chose the exact expressions Dean would use and filled in the gaps with a part of itself. Like the djinn truly wanted to be Dean and himself at the same time.

 

Cas just stood there for a moment with an obvious air of hesitation.

 

“Cas, this isn't Dean. He is never going to be the real Dean.” It was all Sam could say.

 

“I know, Sam.” Cas whispered weakly.

 

Dean looked at Cas like he was the most important thing in his life. Like he was his everything. Dean took a step closer to Cas and Cas seemed to just understand what he needed because they fell into each other’s arms and held onto each other desperately. Cas wanted to cry into Dean’s arms; but instead he just shivered in his arms, which was close enough for him.

 

“Please stay with me.” Dean whispered into his hair. “Please don't leave me alone. Stay with me Cas. I want to love you. I'm the only one who can love you like this. I swear I won't get angry when you steal my shirts anymore.” Dean joked and Cas couldn't help but laugh and feel tears running down his cheeks at the same time.

 

“Cas don't listen to him.” Sam stood up from the couch and slowly approached them.

 

“Cas… don't leave me. I love you.” Dean held him tighter in his arms as Cas held onto him.

 

“Cas, come with me.” Sam raised his hand in offering. Cas opened his eyes and looked at him. “Please, Cas.” Sam was careful to sound gentle and to not force Cas into a panic.

 

“Sam, I don't want to.” Cas buried his face in Dean’s chest. “I know this is not real, but outside the dream I'm less than what I am here.”

 

Sam sighed. “That's not true.” Sam grabbed the knife that stood in one of the shelves. He thanked God that the bunker was filled to the brim with weapons. “Cas you are family.”

 

Not-Dean laughed. “So that's how you treat your family?” Dean moved Cas so that he was unable to see Sam.

 

Sam was looking at Dean’s back and at the knife. “I'm so sorry Cas.” He never said what he was sorry for.


	9. “Laugh, I nearly died” - The Rolling Stones

Waking up was… strange. Cas was barely conscious enough to fully comprehend what was going on.

 

“How the hell could you be so fucking stupid Cas?” Dean shouted at Cas and violently pulled him to a sitting position by the front of his shirt.  “You should have called us to gank these bitches together! Not go for it yourself like a fucking kamikaze. You are not a freaking winged dickhead anymore!”

 

Cas flinched and shivered where he was. Dean licked his lips and made an effort to lower his voice slightly.

 

“God dammit Cas, you could have saved us a lot of time if you would have just given us a friggin’ call.” Dean pulled him closer to scream at his face, failing to notice the way Castiel’s body tensed when he was that close. “Fuck it, man.” Dean shoved Cas back to the dirty mattress on the floor.

 

Cas blinked at him, his lips parted in surprise and pain. His brow crinkled in confusion as he stared at Dean’s back when he stood up. It was over, he was back to his sad reality. Where Dean Winchester doesn’t love him back. To the place where being powerless will always be a setback for the Winchesters, and the place where he was just a burden and a liability.

* * *

 

“Sammy, you okay bro? Sam?” Dean was kneeling besides Sam, cradling his face with one hand and the other supporting his shoulder. Dean could feel Cas staring at him, but he was too focused on his brother to notice the longing and sadness in his eyes. He didn’t see Cas slowly lower his head in resignation.

 

“I’m fine Dean. Stop it.” Sam slapped his hand away and grimaced when he sat up completely. He squinted at Cas whose face was unreadable.

 

Cas eyes were unfocused, his hands rested on his lap, lips slightly parted. It was heartbreaking to see someone slowly recover from the Djinn induced coma, but this was somehow worse. Cas had jumped past the confusion stage to the dull depressed stage. He looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole and let himself die. The ex-angel was back to the land of the living, and he clearly hated it.

 

Sam’s face fell completely when he realized that saving him may not have been what Cas needed. Dean frowned at Sam and returned his attention to Cas for a second.

 

“He is just waking up, let him.” Dean hissed and helped Sam to stand up. “Everyone else woke up just fine and one more Djinn showed up. A blonde chick, she was really into someone.” Dean pointed at Cas with his eyes. “I called 911 and they’ll be getting here rather soon, so let’s go.”

 

Dean slapped Sam on the shoulder and turned to Cas who was still sitting on the dirty mattress with an IV hooked to his arm. Dean kneeled down and removed it gently. Cas hissed and flinched but Dean didn’t pay attention, instead he helped Cas stand up.

 

“He is not in shock,” Sam said “his pulse is pretty good despite everything.” Sam smiled reassuringly and Dean nodded.

* * *

 

 

Cas remembered waking up under the Djinn’s spell, how gentle Dean had been and how Dean or Sam had removed his IV before he woke up to keep his pain to a minimum. Cas felt like crying, and he probably was crying but he couldn’t tell because he was so damn focused on Dean and on what he was doing.

 

This Dean placed an arm around his waist and lead him to the car like the dream Dean. Cas tensed up at the memory and Dean stopped walking.

 

“Want me to carry you?” Dean asked harshly and Cas shook his head quickly.

 

Dean walked them to where the Impala was parked outside the warehouse. He let go of Cas once they were close enough to the car. Sam was ready to steady Cas when he wobbled a bit. Cas was grateful, but at the same time he wasn’t. He was confused on whether to be grateful for the help or furious at Sam for waking him up.

 

Sam held open the back seat door for Cas, but didn't help him get in like dream Dean had done. Sam closed the door behind Cas and took a seat at the front. Dean finished whatever he was doing at the back of the car and walked over to the driver’s seat. He slammed the door shut with more force than necessary and started the engine.

 

Cas hugged his knees and looked at his reflection in the window. His cheekbones were more prominent than ever; gaunt, almost skeletal-looking, and he sported a beard along with long hair. He ran his fingers through his own hair, he had never seen it so long and it felt weird but not uncomfortably so. His hair was greasy, his clothes looked filthy, and he felt overall gross and weak. Cas supposed that he looked like he felt.

 

“Did you find my coat and blade?’’ Cas managed to croak out after 10 minutes of silent driving. Sam had ordered him to lie down and to try to keep his legs up, something about blood and his brain lacking oxygen.

 

“Yeah, Cas.” Sam turned in his seat and continued talking with a smile when Dean didn’t answer. “We found them along with your wallet and what looks like a motel room key.” Sam said gently. Cas hated his pity, it was lukewarm and he avoided his eyes to escape it. “Dean put them in the trunk for you.”

 

Cas looked at Dean’s side with weary eyes. Dean clenched his jaw but said nothing.

 

“It’s funny that you were staying at The Pelican too, you know?” Sam smiled trying to form a conversation. “We never thought of looking for your room. Turns out you followed the Winchester code.”

 

Cas snorted; of course he had followed the Winchester code. Everything he had known back then was because he had studied the brothers and tried to act like them when he wasn’t in a situation where his angelic knowledge would suffice.

 

Cas didn’t respond and turned his head to stare out the window to the dark exterior, it was nighttime apparently. People should be sleeping right now. He didn’t want to sleep ever again. He wanted his grace back to stop feeling so many human emotions and to refrain from dreaming. He preferred the angelic numbness to this human suffering.

 

When Sam tried to talk again, Dean snapped at him. “Leave him alone Sam. He doesn’t need us to baby him.” Cas was grateful for that.

 

Fifteen minutes went by and Cas had curled up in fetal position despite Sam's orders. He tried as hard as he could not to look at Dean, and he failed about every five minutes. Each time he did so, Cas saw the same thing. Dean was tense, his jaw was clenched and his fingers dug into the steering wheel hard enough to make his knuckles go white. There was something bothering Dean, but Cas couldn’t touch Dean to soothe his tense muscles or kiss him reassuringly.

 

Cas closed his eyes with a grimace. His head hurt like hell and he felt exhausted. He hated the idea of sleeping right now, but the blood loss had other ideas. His weak body gave in eventually and he fell to the darkness he so desperately wanted to avoid.

* * *

 

 

Sam and Dean stopped at The Pelican. Neither Sam nor Dean had the heart to wake Cas up. Dean opened the door next to Cas and bent down to try and lift Cas up. He soon regretted it because of the sharp pain in his leg that reminded him of the knife that had been stuck there a while ago.

 

“Dean, you are hurt.” Sam pointed out and gave Dean a strange look.

 

“No shit Sherlock.” Dean barked with an eye roll and held a hand to the wound on his thigh. “‘Tis but a flesh wound. I’ll heal...” Dean bent down once more and gently touched Cas’ shoulder. “Dude’s out cold, must be the blood loss.”

 

“I’ll carry him upstairs.” Sam offered with a tight lipped smile.

“Ok, you do that. I’ll bring our stuff inside then.” Dean pointed at the back of the Impala with a thumb.

 

“With that leg?” Sam asked before awkwardly pulling Cas out of the car.

 

“What other leg do I have?” Dean joked while opening the trunk of the car. Sam rolled his eyes and moved to lift Cas.

 

“Woah!” Sam exclaimed once he held Cas securely in his arms, bridal style. “He is so thin, Dean.” Sam whispered.

 

“You’d be thin too if a gang was sucking you dry for more than a month.” Dean glared at the trunk. “Go on, I need to fix some stuff in here first.”

 

“Don’t take too long.” Sam gave him a weird look again that Dean didn't understand. He guessed it was worry since he had his leg injury. Dean shrugged it off.

 

Sam managed to bring Cas to the third floor easily enough. However, when he got to the door he stopped. How on Earth was he supposed to open the door with Cas in his arms? He raised a leg and supported his knee against the wall awkwardly. Next, he somehow supported Cas’ weight on that leg and struggled to reach for the doorknob with his newly free hand. He suddenly thought that it would have been easier to set Cas on the floor and open the door, but he had already opened the door. Sam was impressed by the fact that Cas was still sleeping peacefully.

 

He huffed in exhaustion and lifted Cas again with both arms. Cas unconsciously wrapped his arms around his neck and nuzzled his nose against Sam’s neck. Sam froze and shivered. He almost dropped Cas, but he didn’t.

 

“Dean...” Cas whispered in the crook of his neck. Sam smiled sadly at Cas and took the remaining steps to the closest bed making sure to leave the door open for Dean. He gently laid Cas on the mattress and managed to cover Cas with the blankets.

 

“Finally!” Sam breathed out when he was done with Cas.

 

He saw Cas sluggishly reach out for the pillow next to his head. It seemed like he was searching for something next to him by patting the bed with slow movements. His fingers shook with the effort of making such a small movement. Cas seemed not to find whatever he was looking for and instead brought the pillow to his face and held onto it weakly. Sam pursed his lips and tried not to let himself think too much about the gesture.

 

He stared at Cas until Dean limped into the room. He closed the door with his elbow and a grunt and walked inside with the duffel bags. Dean threw the bags on top of a table with yet another grunt.

 

“Dude!” Sam exclaimed both in concern and accusation.

 

“Don’t just stand there!” Dean sat down on the first available surface that turned out to be the bed Cas was resting on and attempted to remove his jeans. “Get me the first aid kit.” Sam nodded and ran to the table that was currently holding their bags.

 

“I will have to cut them off,” Sam said, “It’s a pretty large wound.” Sam grimaced in sympathy.

 

“Damn it, I liked these jeans!”

 

“All of them look the same Dean.” Sam gave him a tired look and shook his head with weary eyes.

 

“They don’t feel the same, okay?” Dean barked and saw Cas reacting to the noise by flinching in his sleep. “Is he okay?” Dean asked when Sam was got to his knees and began cutting his jeans away with a scissor.

 

“I don’t know Dean.” Sam shook his head and avoided eye contact as best as he could trying not to look too suspicious. Dean of course saw the clear avoidance.

 

“What?” No response, “what are you not telling me?” Dean demanded. Sam shook his head. “Sam.” Dean stretched the word with a loud voice, and Cas shifted in his sleep. Sam flinched and looked up at him with his puppy eyes.

 

“It’s definitely not my place to tell, Dean.” Sam grimaced when Dean glared at him. Sam continued to cut off his jeans and Dean didn’t even flinch when he peeled the fabric off where it was getting stuck on his bloody leg.

 

“Sam.” Dean said with a threatening tone that Sam knew far too well. It was the “I’m not playing” voice that he used when he was pretty damned pissed. Sam sighed in defeat.

 

“It’s just...” just what? There was nothing simple about this. Sam looked at Cas with apprehension and hesitated before uttering his next words. “He knew.”

 

“Knew what?”

 

Sam stopped working on Dean to be able to deliver the words with the necessary emotional weight. “He knew that he was in a spell, Dean.”

 

“Is that what the djinn told you?” Dean raised an eyebrow in disbelief, like he didn’t quite believe that Sam could be that stupid.

 

“No, Dean. That’s what Cas told me. He didn’t want to wake up.” Sam looked at Dean sadly, silently begging him to understand. He didn’t know what his goal was with this conversation, but he knew he wasn’t going to achieve it.

 

“The djinn fucked him up, man.” Dean shrugged angrily. “Who knows how long he spent inside his own head, could have been months or even years for all we know. Hours felt like a week to me man, and he spent more than a month in there. That’s gotta scramble your brains a bit.” Dean picked up a rag and was about to start cleaning his leg with it when he saw a bit of dirt in his skin. “Help me up.”

 

Sam sighed and helped Dean to the tub in the bathroom where he detached the sprayer and washed his leg. He asked Sam to stitch him up. Dean of course drank some whiskey before letting Sam lay a hand on him. Dean had the marvelous idea of sticking some Polysporin in the first aid kit, so he applied it when Sam was done and wrapped the bandage himself. Dean refused to let Sam help him to stand up. He wanted to limp by himself. Which was really stupid considering Dean didn’t make it past the bed Cas was using.

 

Dean eventually asked Sam for help and he later found himself on the next bed with his leg finally resting properly. Sam sat next to him on the bed and they both stared at Cas like he was going to disappear when they weren’t looking.

 

“Did he dream of heaven?” Dean asked Sam after a long silence.

 

“What?”

 

“You heard me.”

 

“No,” Sam considered the question for a bit longer. “Well...in a sense.” Sam shrugged, so Dean took it as a yes and didn’t say anything.

  
Of course Cas dreamed about heaven. What else could he dream about?


	10. “Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me” - The Smiths

Cas didn’t say anything the next day or the day after that. Sam was being pushy with him in an attempt to be kind. He kept asking Cas how he was feeling and if he was hungry. Cas just looked at the window of the Impala or simply answered by shrugging or nodding. Sam frowned every time he was met with the silent treatment.

 

“Hey Cas,” Sam tried again after breakfast.

 

“Just leave him alone, will you?” Dean barked and ignored how both Sam and Cas flinched. Cas wrapped an arm around his middle and stared out of the window silently.

 

What did he want? What was he going to do? The djinn had managed to fix his people skills slightly. He could probably go out and live by himself a bit more easily than the last time he was homeless. The only problem was that he was terrified and didn’t really want to abandon Sam and Dean.

 

Cas didn’t say anything for the whole ride back to the bunker. Sam and Dean took turns guarding him during the night at the motel rooms while the other brother slept in another room. It was okay when it was Sam, but he couldn’t close his eyes when Dean was sleeping peacefully on the next bed. The longing in his heart was unbearable. He kept wanting to stand up and just lay down next to him. He just wanted to look at him and nothing else.

 

Dean slept like he wanted to hold someone in his arms, like was waiting for someone to fill up the space between his arms. Dean always settled closer to edge of the bed in order to leave enough space for someone else. Cas ached to be what Dean wanted. It was some cruel joke to see Dean at arm’s reach while being unable to approach him. It was a sight that tortured him endlessly every night, to know that he could fill that space.

Cas was constantly distant. He expected Dean to just break and shout at him for at least fifteen minutes about how he needed to “snap out it” like the time when he was stuck in the mental hospital. This silent treatment was even worse. Dean never attempted to hold a conversation, only barking out small things that could be answered without words. The djinn would have been all over him by now and asking what was wrong again and again until Cas stopped being stubborn and snapped at him with the truth.

 

He was glad to be back at the bunker where he could shut himself in his room without anyone bothering him.

* * *

 

Cas was crying in the middle of the night, his body trembling with the effort to contain his sobs. Nobody cared that he was broken, nobody would miss him if he died because he was just useless and a pathetic excuse of a human being who only learned how to finally be human from a freaking djinn.

 

Cas wanted to scream, but he couldn’t because he knew it would worry Sam and Dean and he didn't want to bother them with his issues. He almost felt like laughing, he was crying in the middle of the night and still wanted to please the brothers. All Cas wanted to do was to go away and find a hole to crawl into, but Sam and Dean would somehow see it as an offense to their hospitality.

 

Why he hated himself so much, he didn’t understand. It was horrible, but at the same time the hatred stopped him from actually feeling anything besides the self-loathing that ached in his chest. He didn’t have the energy to do anything but cry silently. It was even worse because he did it to keep Sam and Dean from hearing him.

 

It was ironic how he couldn’t be angry with them. He wanted to hate them. It wasn’t their fault, but at the same time it was. How could he feel so lonely and worthless when he was surrounded by people that claimed that they needed him? He had his doubts about what the brothers really thought about him. Did they keep really want him in the bunker or did they did they let him stay out of pity?

 

Cas took a deep breath and held his pillow tightly. The pain wasn’t quite “pain”, he felt a heaviness in his chest that threatened to burst out. He felt it growing in his abdomen and attempting to burn his eyes. He hated it, and wanted to get rid of it.

 

He passed out around 2 am from pure exhaustion.

 

Cas woke up feeling even worse. He took a shower before going out to see Sam and Dean having breakfast. His eyes were still swollen and irritated when he said good morning to them. Sam choked on his coffee when he realized it was the first thing Cas had said in days. Dean smiled and stood up.

 

“Hey buddy!” He slapped his shoulder affectionately and Cas flinched slightly. “I was about to make some breakfast.” A total lie, he wasn’t planning on eating anything, but he wanted Cas to be healthy. Cas turned around and looked at him like he always did, with his blue eyes almost eating him alive. “I was planning on making some French toasts and I-” He stopped and frowned when Cas visibly flinched.

 

The first thing he had learned to cook in the dream had been a French toast, and it also had been the last thing he ate in the dream.

 

“Cas?” Dean placed a hand on his shoulders and was about to place the other one on his cheek when Cas backed off suddenly.

 

Cas stared at the floor and was shaking his head and muttering “no, no, no” over and over again. He walked backwards until he hit the kitchen counter.

 

“Cas... take a deep breath.” Dean slowly approached Cas, but he just freaked out even more when Dean placed a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Shut up Dean!” Cas snapped before he started hyperventilating. His heart was beating hard and he found it difficult to be able to breathe properly.

 

“Excuse me?” Dean asked harshly. He backed off and raised an eyebrow in shock. Sam took over and held Cas by the shoulders.

 

“Cas, it’s me: Sam.” Cas looked up at him, Sam smiled reassuringly “it’s okay, Cas. It’s okay.”

 

“No, it’s not.” Cas whispered and started to relax slowly. He was still breathing hard a couple of minutes later, but it no longer could be called hyperventilating.

 

Dean, feeling powerless, watched them from a safe distance with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. Of course he wanted to help Cas, but he didn’t want his help. His only job was to take care of those around him and he always sucked it at it. Dean glared, without really realizing that he was doing it, and looked at Sam gently rubbing Cas’ arms. He murmured something and Cas just stared back at him. Dean couldn’t take it, he wanted to help.

 

It’s pretty clear that Cas doesn’t need him at all anymore. If he ever did.

 

“Cas?” Dean asked gently, unable to stay away. Cas raised his chin and looked at him.  He was slightly flustered and his eyes were watery. “Are you okay?” He attempted to keep his tone as non-threatening as possible but perhaps Cas sensed his unease or saw his anxious stance because he ran away clumsily and pushed past Dean until he was in his room.

 

Cas slammed his door shut and leaned against the door. He took a deep breath and slowly lowered himself to the floor. He wasn’t sure about what just happened. His body had just overreacted and entered some sort of panic mode.

 

“All over some stupid French toast...” Cas muttered self-deprecatingly. “This is so out of character of me.” He whispered to himself. “I’m even talking to myself...” He laughed instead of crying because it would serve him no purpose.

 

He looked up at the ceiling with a grimace and accidentally hit the back of his head with a loud thud against the door. The ceiling was certainly just a dull white, not a bright white, not a shaded white like someone had added some faint gray streaks to add to the mood. He turned his attention to the lamp on his bedside that he had forgotten to turn off in the morning. Its yellow light didn’t cascade gently in lazy cords that looked like they were almost palpable. It was funny really, how dull things were outside of dreams, how he could focus on small details and not forget them in a moment. He remembered every step he took since the moment of his awakening.

 

His mind was clear and the items looked dull.

 

Despite finding comfort in the normality of simple objects and colors, it took him a week to stop himself from feeling too anxious around Dean Winchester. He started by silently sharing space with him, just sitting in the same room while they ate. Trying his best not to focus on his gorgeous lips and trying not to remember how they felt in his dream.

 

Dean was constantly angry with him for some reason, but he couldn’t seem to be able to ask why. He had asked Sam when they were alone and Sam had just responded with “I think we all need time to adjust.” Cas, of course, had frowned in confusion.

 

He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. There was some chicken just begging to be cooked. He had left it marinating in the morning and he was itching to do something. During the dream he had received several cooking classes from the djinn, but right now he used cooking books and YouTube to do stuff. Sometimes he failed miserably and sometimes he didn’t. His food usually looked ugly, but it tasted great according to the brothers.

 

Chicken was easy to do, he was making an Asian dish that he had found on YouTube. He heard someone entering the kitchen, but he seriously didn’t want to fuck it up and so he didn't turn around. He frowned at the thought of learning to use curse words on a daily basis thanks to the djinn.

 

Cas yelped when he felt a hand on his lower back and a chin resting on his shoulder. Dean was standing next to him and looking down at the chicken with curiosity.

 

“Hey what are you making?” Dean asked nonchalantly, “smells good.” He took a step back and walked to the fridge to grab himself a beer. Dean failed to notice Cas’ discomfort. He raised an eyebrow when saw Cas gripping the handle until his knuckles turned white. “Hey, you okay?” He asked in a soft tone.

 

Dean slowly approached him with a beer in hand. Cas felt Dean's hand squeeze his shoulder in a reassuring manner. He could feel the heat from his hand. It was a reassuring weight that he had missed. Cas knew it selfish to bask in the feeling and so he jerked his shoulder away from him so hard he almost dropped the food.

 

“I’m fine! Leave alone!” Cas snapped. Dean took it as a personal insult and glared at Cas.

 

“FINE!” He shouted before he took off.

 

Cas took a deep shuddering breath and swallowed his emotions deep within himself. He finished lunch and called Sam who called Dean. Lunch was really quiet with both Dean and Cas glaring at their food.

 

“Cas, this is great!” Sam complimented him trying to ignore the tense aura in the room. Sam elbowed Dean and gave him a look. Cas knew what that look meant and kept himself from rolling his eyes.

 

“Hmm...” Dean grumbled, “It’s good.” He said grumpily.

 

“Thanks.” Cas smiled at them, but they both knew that it was a fake smile. None of them spoke afterwards.

* * *

 

 

“Depression.” Cas whispered to himself. He had Googled his symptoms. Cas was surprised and slightly afraid of such an outcome. He glared at the laptop and shut it off.

 

Cas was also afraid of Dean. He didn’t want to ask him for help, it felt wrong. Dean had taken care of so many people. He had given up parts of himself every time he did so and Cas couldn’t do that to Dean.

 

He couldn’t ask for one small part of him, because he wanted everything. He wanted every smile, every frown, and every mood swing Dean could possibly have. He wanted the ugly things too, because he knew they made Dean’s soul shine the brightest.

 

Cas woke up early the next day and made pancakes for the brothers. There was a constant lump in the throat feeling that made him gasp and choke on his words. He was mostly silent because of this.

 

“Good morning.” Sam smiled at Cas and raised his eyebrows at the pancakes sitting on a plate. “You made these?”

 

“Good morning, Sam.” Cas smiled. “Yes, I prepared them myself.” He knew he was feeling flustered, but ignored his feelings to flip the pancake on the frying pan.

 

Sam grinned. “Woah!” Sam immediately helped Cas to set the table and fishing the syrup out of the fridge.

 

Cas felt so good. He was finally doing something good again. Usefulness outside the dream had seemed so impossible to achieve. Cas decided that today was going to be a good day and nobody would change that. Not even-

 

“Dean.” Sam called his brother who was walking with his eyes closed and yesterday’s clothes. He was missing a sock and his hair was wild and spiky. Sam laughed when Dean grunted his response.

 

“Good morning.” Cas was grateful that his throat hadn’t decided to swallow his words. It had been a long time since he had seen Dean like this. All hungover and messy. It sent a chill through his spinal cord that he identified as fear mixed with anxiety.

 

Dean groaned at him and Cas chuckled despite everything else. Dean sighed and moved to the coffee machine. Cas finished with the pancakes and stacked them all up in a tower. He turned to Dean and caught a glimpse of some sort of bruise near his collarbone. It looked like a scratch mark and his brain had instantly panicked with worry.

 

“Dean, what’s that on your collarbone?” Cas asked with innocence.

 

Cas tilted his head and wanted to take a better look, but Dean reacted by waving his arms around like a martial artist and almost hitting Cas in the process. Cas shrugged and went over to the table where Sam was waiting for him like a kid. Sam had even served him some coffee and orange juice in a gesture of thankfulness. Cas placed the pancakes on the middle of the table and sat down.

 

“Thanks Sam.” Cas thanked him for the help and took a sip from his coffee. Sam smiled and placed a couple of pancakes on his own plate.

 

“How can you both be so annoying in the morning?” Dean grunted as he sat down next to Sam.

 

Sam couldn’t wait to swallow his food before answering happily. “Cas made pancakes, Dean.” It was obvious that Sam was really content with his pancakes. He swallowed his food and moaned. “Cas cooks, Dean!” Sam gave him a look and studied Dean’s neck. “Is that a scratch?” He asked with a disgusted tone. Cas stopped smiling all of the sudden and waited for Dean to respond.

 

“You should see my back, dude.” Dean grinned and winked at him. “This chick was really into it, man.” Dean grinned at the ceiling and sighed with content. “I probably bled a bit but I can’t remember anymore.” He shrugged. “Going out tonight to see if I can find her again back at the bar.”

 

“What happened to love ‘em and leave ‘em?” Sam asked with a frown. He looked at Cas to gauge his reaction. Cas kept eating robotically and seeped on his coffee like it was a task and not something he wanted to be doing.

 

“Shut up.” He shrugged. “Sometimes one go ‘s not enough, Sammy.”

 

Cas started shoving food into his mouth rapidly.

 

“You are disgusting.” Sam shook his head in disgust and avoided his eyes. He saw how anxious Cas was feeling. How he didn’t look proud of himself anymore. Cas looked like he wanted to run away and never come back instead of picking at his food and gulping down his coffee like a man in a dessert.

 

“Bitch.” Dean insulted with his eyes closed.

 

“Jerk.” Sam shoved some food into his mouth

 

“Bye.” Cas stood up as fast as he could and got rid of his plates and leftovers. Dean raised an eyebrow. “I-uhh was planning on taking a hike.” Cas shrugged nonchalantly and mentally patted himself in the back for the lie. Sam gave him a sad look. “I read in a book that you can ward an entire forests with just five well placed sigils.” He smiled tentatively at them, but his hand was shaking and his smile was tight lipped. Cas ran off before any of them could say anything.

 

“He is acting weird.” Dean grunted out and grabbed a pancake with his bare hand and took a bite.

 

“Yeah...” Sam looked down at his own pancakes. He wasn’t that hungry anymore.

 

Sam pushed away his food and looked at Dean with a sad look. He knew why he was acting like such a douchebag. The anniversary of their mother’s death was next week and Dean always started drinking a week before.

 

“We gotta do something about him.” Sam muttered under his breath.

 

“And do what, Sam?” Dean snapped, the hangover made his voice sound even more aggressive than ever and Sam would have probably flinched if he wasn’t already used to it. “It’s not like he is letting me help out.”

 

“You could talk to him, you know? Lord knows I’ve tried and you barely even acknowledge his presence.” Sam’s eyes were filled with the sadness he felt for Cas. He just felt like such a damned idiot for being the cause of Cas’ suffering. He knew how much Cas hated life. He knew what Cas wanted and why Cas didn’t end his existence. The djinn hadn’t only given Cas social skills, it had also gifted Sam with an insight about what Cas loved the most.

 

“So, you think a heart to heart with me is going to solve all his fucking problems!” Dean shouted.  “I’m not good for him, Sam. I’m bad news.” Dean shook his head and glared at Sam with tired eyes and a sweaty face. He didn’t realize what he just said out loud, nor did he see Sam’s eyes widening in surprise.  “My job is to protect you two. That’s the only thing I’m fucking good at and he doesn’t want me to help.  So why should I try? He likes you best, Sammy.”

 

“Dean, that’s not-”

 

“Whatever Sam.” Dean stood up and grabbed his keys from where they sat on the table. He didn’t even remember leaving them there last night. “I’m going out.”

 

“Dean...”

  
“Leave me alone.”


	11. “Losing my Religion” - R.E.M.

The distinctive sound of a piano woke him up. It was just a few silent notes, not quite enough to form a melody, but despite their low volume they woke Cas up. He tossed and turned in his bed for a while and finally looked at the only decoration in his room. The clock read 2 am which was far too early (or late) for anyone to be awake and playing the piano. Giving it a second thought, nobody ever plays the piano on this bunker.

 

"Dean..." Cas sighed in the darkness of his room. It had to be him. Whenever Sam couldn't sleep he turned to reading silently in the bunker's library. He didn't bother anyone and most of the times no one could tell. When Cas couldn’t sleep at least he tried not to bother anyone.

 

Cas slowly stood up and walked barefoot to the place where the sound came from. He was wearing his green and grey flannel pajama pants and a grey t-shirt he had bought at Walmart a long time ago, he had worn those a lot in his dream. He opened the door to the bunker's lounge. The room was vastly different from the rest of the bunker. It had a piano, a small living room area and an ancient pool table that Dean had claimed that he could fix but never started the project.

 

There, on the piano bench, sat Dean. He had a whisky bottle sitting next to him and one hand lazily playing a single note on the keys. His head was tilted towards the keyboard and his shoulders were tense. Cas was unsure on whether to approach Dean or not. He seemed unaware of his presence, but the angel had made enough noise for the trained hunter to notice. The constant note being played brought Cas to his final decision of advancing.

 

He slowly walked into the room and that’s when Dean turned to look at him. His green eyes were bloodshot and his lips were set in an unhappy frown. Cas stopped walking altogether and waited for Dean to say something. Dean didn't, instead he returned his attention to the piano and played a couple more notes. Cas sighed in relief at the lack of a rejection. He took a hold of the whiskey bottle and placed it on top of a table far from Dean’s reach and sat down next to him on the bench. Dean didn’t complain.

 

"Hey Cas." Dean croaked out without turning around to look at him.

 

"Hello Dean." Cas responded, still not comfortable with being around Dean. The urge to just place a hand on his cheek and pull him into a kiss was still burning hot. He could feel a small amount of anxiety coursing through his veins and settling in his stomach. Cas ignored that feeling, Dean needed him and he couldn’t be selfish right now. A part of him wanted to flee, the other part wanted to kiss Dean until he was happy again, the strongest part wanted to silently be there for him and to let Dean use his support however he wanted.

 

He noticed that Dean was wearing only his black boxer briefs and a t-shirt. Well, at least Cas didn’t feel underdressed anymore. Cas didn't say anything for a while. Dean didn't either. They just sat there in silent company. If Dean wanted to talk then he would just do it; Cas knew that better than anyone else. He knew that no words from him were actually needed.

 

Five notes were played in quick succession, finally forming something close to a melody. Cas frowned because he didn't recognize it right away. Dean turned his head gently to study his face. He seemed to find something in his expression because he sat up slightly straighter.

 

"Have you ever played the piano?" Dean asked in throaty whisper.

 

"No, I've never... had the chance." Cas responded slowly, not sure what the point was.

 

"Wanna try it out?" Dean asked with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

 

"Yes, Dean." Cas could never say no to him.

 

Dean nodded and manhandled Cas into a correct position on the bench. Cas flinched, but let Dean get away with it.

 

"Do you know anything about playing?" Dean asked before doing anything else.

 

"I saw Chopin, Beethoven and Rachmaninoff compose their most famous songs."

 

"I barely know who Beethoven is, but I'm guessing that watching and actually doing it is way different." Dean teased with a small smile.

 

Cas shrugged with a smile. He was smiling because Dean already looked more comfortable in his own skin. He was slightly more relaxed and seemed to use teaching to get his mind out of whatever was haunting him earlier.

 

"You have to place all your fingers here." Dean grabbed his left hand and placed it on top of the keys. "This is mostly played in mid C."

 

"You had piano classes?" Cas asked when he recognized that Dean was using professional terms.

 

"I- ahh... yes.” Dean flushed and cleared his throat. “The teacher was kinda hot." Dean shrugged with a shy smile and placed his hands in his chest to symbolize boobs. "Don't judge me, okay? I only took the classes because of the teacher." Dean wiggles his eyebrows and looked at his hands forming fake boobs to deliver the message that Cas disliked.

 

"Never, Dean." Cas answered truthfully. Dean gulped awkwardly and nodded.

 

"Alright then... so." Dean grabbed his right hand. "Place your fingers here and your pinky here." His hands gently moved his fingers on top of the keys. "Alright, your thumb goes in D." He moved his thumb. "I'm going to play the notes over here and you are going to copy me." Cas nodded.

 

Dean played 6 notes with practiced ease with only his right hand. Cas repeated them on the scale that Dean had told him to.

 

"Well done Cas." Dean smiled.

 

Cas smiled at his feet to prevent Dean from seeing him blush... "Thanks, Dean. What's next?"

 

"I- uhh. I don't know unless I sing it." Dean scratched the back of his neck in a nervous movement.

 

"Then why don't you?" Cas asked with a curious frown.

 

Dean looked at him with lost eyes and sighed. He didn’t know why he was always surprised by Cas’ lack of a verbal filter.

 

"My mom used to sing this to me before... before." Dean cleared his throat. "God it’s been like thirty years and I can't say it."

 

"I know Dean. You don't have to." Cas placed a hand on his shoulder. "Not with me. I understand that it's a difficult subject for you, Dean." Cas pursed his lips in a sideways smile.

Dean just stared at him with parted lips. Dean looked at him like he couldn't understand what he was seeing. Like he was seeing him for the first time.

 

"Thanks Cas." Dean whispered. He placed both hands on the piano. "I'll show you the chords, watch my hands." Dean took a deep breath and held it in. Cas was looking at him with expectation in his blue eyes. "I said watch my hands not me!" Dean snapped while laughing.

 

"Oh! Sorry!" Cas blushed and turned his attention to Dean's hands on the piano.

 

"This are the cords…. Hey Jude," Dean began singing in a low voice and played the piano at the same time. "Don't make it bad! Take a sad song and make it better." Dean saw that Cas wasn't looking at his hands and, instead of stopping, he closed his eyes tightly and continued singing. "Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better!" Dean stopped there and turned to Cas who was looking at him intently with his mouth slightly parted.

 

"That was beautiful Dean." Cas was staring at Dean like he was the most important thing in the world. Dean couldn't take it and, instead of taking the compliment, he chuckled.

 

Dean scowled at him. "Shut up."

 

Cas frowned. "Why?"

 

“Because it's weird, dude." Dean snapped.

 

"I'm sorry." Cas looked down to his hands resting idly in his lap. He was fidgeting with his fingers, twitching to do something. "I don't know what's wrong with what I said, Dean. I just think that you have a beautiful voice."

 

Dean rolled his eyes and groaned. "Oh come on dude! You can't just say that."

 

"Yes, I can." Cas’ voice sounded a bit too desperate and strained. He sat up straighter and looked down at Dean with a raised eyebrow. He knew far too well how aggressive and dominant he looked when he did that. The anxiety was driven away by a sudden sense of anger. The only thing he couldn’t stand was seeing Dean hate himself when he was the most perfect thing he had ever seen "I've heard all the great singers and watched more humans than you can imagine. I've been here longer than your know." Dean laughed at that and curled his fingers into a fist. Cas wanted to rip the self-depreciation from his soul and heal it with whatever remnants of his grace he had left. "When I say that something is special, then it must be.” A pause... “Not many things can surprise an angel, Dean."

 

Dean glared at his hand. He wanted to run, to scream, to fight, to do anything; he was nothing near what Cas had just said. Cas was simply trying to make him feel better by lying to him, like everyone else did. Like all the chicks at the bar who said that he was the best thing they’d ever seen or touched.

 

"Well thankfully you don't have your dick wings anymore, so you can be surprised now." Dean shouted the first insult he could think of at Cas and hit the piano board with his fist; at least he had enough presence of mind not to hit the keys.

 

Cas recoiled like he had just been slapped in the face with a chair. Dean looked furious with his bloodshot eyes and his clenched teeth. Cas opened his mouth like he was going to apologize, but just let out a pained noise and began to stand up awkwardly. Dean's face slowly fell as he began to realize what he had just said out loud. Dean was quickly feeling all sobered up. He felt cold inside, like a monster. How could he?

 

"Cas..." Dean began in a soft voice.

 

"No Dean. I'm sorry." Cas stood up and began moving to the door. His foot caught in the bench, but he didn't let himself fall. He wasn’t going to fall for Dean again. He refused to look any more vulnerable in front of Dean. The first time he allowed himself to act like himself since he woke up a month ago, and this is how Dean reacts.

 

"Cas, I didn't mean-" Dean lifted a hand to hold Cas back by his shoulder, but Cas brushed it away and kept walking with his chin raised with bravery.

 

"Yes, Dean, you meant it." Cas barked in a low tone, the one he had used during his first meeting with Dean in that barn. "You disliked me when I had my power because you knew that I could smite you whenever I wanted. The reason why you endured my presence was because I was useful to you and Sam. You have no need for me now."

 

“Cas...” Dean’s voice broke, they both used the excuse of him having ingested liquor as the cause of the ill state of his voice. They refused to acknowledge that it was emotion that caused his voice to break.

 

“The thing about my sudden humanity is that it makes you angry because of a misplaced sense of guilt. You prefer it when I'm weak and useless in this form.” Cas didn't look at Dean when he slammed the behind him.

 

"Cas!" Dean shouted, but he didn't run after him. He knew he would only make things worse for his friend.

 

Cas ignored Dean and ran to his room. He would probably start to throw things at the wall if it weren't for the fact that he only had a lamp and a clock on his bedside table. He could feel tears burning in his eyes, but he refused to be as weak as Dean though he was. He was stronger than that. He was one of the oldest beings alive and he was letting one man break him with nothing but words.

 

Cas grunted in exasperation and hit the wall with a fist. He hit the wall repeatedly until his knuckles bled and he couldn't feel his fingers anymore. He knew that he should be feeling some kind of pain, but apparently his human body was supplying him with enough adrenaline to keep his nerves numbed.

 

Later, he went to the bathroom in the hall to wash out the blood from his knuckles. Cas didn't know how to use bandages so he gave up trying and took some pills he knew worked for the pain he was about to feel soon enough. He went to bed, careful to not lay on top of his damaged hand. Pain was an interesting thing, it reminded him of what being alive felt like. He fell asleep with that thought in mind.

 

In the morning, the first thing he did was raise a hand to rub his face. He groaned when he felt the battered skin of his knuckles stretch painfully. Cas skipped his usual morning ritual of taking a shower and getting dressed to look for Sam. He grabbed the med kit under his bed and took off. Cas looked inside the industrial kitchen, then in the war room, and finally found Sam in the library.

 

"Morning Cas." Sam greeted him from his laptop.

 

"Good morning Sam. Could you please help me with something?" Cas asked politely.

 

"Sure." Sam closed his laptop and finally focused his full attention on Cas. "Jesus! What happened to your hand?" Sam stood up and ran forward to examine Cas' hand carefully.

 

"I hit the wall... repeatedly." Cas muttered sheepishly avoiding eye contact.

 

"Why?" Sam asked with his puppy eyes look.

 

"I-" Cas hesitated. "I was angry and had no other way to express it." It was the truth despite how shameful it was. Sam started applying some ointment on his knuckles. The contact was painful, but he could feel his skin feel immediately grateful for the cold sensation.

 

“I'm sorry Cas.” Sam apologized.

 

“Why?” Cas asked with his usual frown. Sam shrugged and started rummaging around in the med kit for the right gauze. 

 

“I just feel like I've failed to show you how to deal with stuff and do normal things.” Sam looked at him with his sad eyes. Cas glared in response. He hated how condescending Sam was, and hated the pity and sadness in his eyes. Sam felt the same misplaced guilt that Dean felt towards him.

 

“Don’t worry, the Djinn took care of that for you.” Cas glared at him, daring Sam to say something else. Sam was smart enough to shut up and just continue to help Cas with his hands.

 

“Cas... I-” Sam started talking when he finished bandaging his knuckles.

 

“Thanks for the aid, Sam.” Cas nodded curtly. “I'm going to prepare breakfast, do you want something?” Cas took some backward steps and pointed at the kitchen with his thumb.

 

Sam gaped at him and shook his head in shock. “Ah- no thanks. I already ate something before my morning jog.” Sam smiled awkwardly. Cas pursed his lips into a smile and nodded respectfully before walking away.

 

Sam sat there in shock for a moment. Cas hadn't just cut him off and avoided him like the plague. He had seamlessly declared how independent he actually was without actually saying it. Sam was amazed by the skills he had shown in two phrases.


	12. “I feel fine” - The Beatles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody asked what my username name meant and it’s basically Alex but backwards and the Japanese prefix -ko that is used in names to indicate “female”.

 

It had been a bit more than two months since he had woken up from the djinn dream and one month since the accident with the piano. Sam and Dean had said that he looked “fit for duty” a month ago and so they had fished out the easiest hunt they could muster and treated it like a normal one. Castiel acted like he didn’t know it was a just simple hunt to test him out. They hadn’t picked up hunts that involved whole nests or anything yet; just lone vampires, some ghouls, but mostly ghosts.

 

There was nothing special about today. It was just a ghost that they were investigating. Sam already had an idea about who the ghost could be. “Practically a milk run!” Dean had said with a grin. The thing was… the day didn’t matter, nor did the ghost for that matter. Cas was solely thinking about Dean. Yes, innocent people had died, but he was going to avenge them soon enough.

 

His body moved alongside Dean's like it was always meant to be there. Dean just had a certain grace to him that seemed to guide each step rhythmically. Cas smiled sadly with the knowledge that he could watch Dean walk never become bored of it. The streets were mostly empty and there was a park on the other side of the road. Sam was in the library photocopying some death certificates and newspaper articles regarding the haunted house.

 

They were supposed to meet Sam at the park for lunch. Cas knew that Dean was dying to try the burgers from the food truck near the parking lot. Sam had taken the car and dropped them off in the haunted house to do some interviews, since it was just a couple of blocks away from the park. Castiel breathed in the fresh air and lied to himself by thinking that everything was just amazing and normal.

 

Cas looked at Dean’s face for a second; he had dark circles around his eyes because he went out drinking more than usual. He shivered at the thought of the other activity that was causing his dark circles. Dean had started going to bars and hooking up with strangers again. Cas tried not to think about it. The ex-angel avoided Dean like the plague sometimes, and Sam knew it. He obviously wanted to approach the subject with Cas, but Cas wasn’t up to it. Cas liked Sam and he knew he was just trying to help, but it was tiring to keep seeing pity in Sam’s eyes.

 

“Hey, Cas. What are you thinking about?” Dean asked curiously.

 

“Nothing.” Castiel answered without thinking. He was adept now at saying things that would stop Dean from talking to him. It didn’t work this time.

 

“You sure?” Dean asked and Castiel remained silent and stoic. “Cas?”

 

“What Dean?” Castiel responded, perhaps a bit too forcefully judging by Dean’s shocked expression. Dean stopped walking altogether and Cas would’ve continued walking if Dean hadn’t stopped him from doing so with a hand on the crook of his arm.

 

“Cas, what’s going on with ya?” Dean raised an eyebrow and frowned with worry and confusion. Castiel rolled his eyes and pulled his arm back to continue walking. Dean followed after him. “Cas?”

 

“I’m fine, Dean. There’s nothing wrong with me.” He wanted to add that at least it was nothing that Dean could fix willingly.

 

Dean glared and stopped pushing Cas. If he wanted Dean to back off, then fine. He would back off.

 

* * *

 

 

Back at the bunker, Cas started a workout routine. He sometimes went out for a run with Sam or just exercised in his own room before breakfast. His body needed maintenance now, and his mind needed something to focus on when he wasn’t hunting. Something that wasn’t how Dean looked when he walked besides him or the reminder that Dean would never hold him again. His current situation was like a “let’s be friends” breakup without any previous relationship to actually break up.

 

Dean probably didn’t care that Cas avoiding him. He had other things to worry about like Sam or the random strangers he slept with. He had seen Dean’s neck covered in hickeys on Monday morning and instead of attempting to be civil he just ran away. Sam of course followed after him.

 

“Cas, you can’t go on like this.” Sam said once they were both alone in the bunker’s library.

 

“Pardon me?” Cas turned around and waited for Sam to explain himself further.

 

“You should talk to Dean.” Sam said softly, bringing his eyebrows together in a worried frown.

 

Cas tried to deflect the conversation. “What for?” He shrugged, something he had learned from the djinn, “It will not serve any purpose for either of us.” Cas avoided eye contact when Sam tried to convey his sadness towards him. He hated how Sam’s face would make him feel guilty, like he was hurting Sam and not only himself by being stubborn.

 

“You are avoiding him.” Sam tilted his head to try and meet his eyes. “You are keeping him at arm's length and he clearly hates it.”

 

“He doesn’t even care.” Cas snapped.

 

“And how would you know that?” Sam laughed in disbelief and ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation.

 

“Sam-”

 

“You barely even acknowledge his presence and whenever he talks to you or accidentally touches you...” Sam shook his head and stopped for a second to put his thoughts in order. He licked his lips and sighed. “Cas… you flinch every time he touches you. There was a time when you two seemed to be joined by the hip with no sense of personal space.”

 

Cas huffed in annoyance and attempted to step away. Sam grabbed Cas by his shoulders and forced him to make eye contact with him. Castiel looked ashamed and completely unwilling to listen to Sam.

 

“You gotta tell him, man.” His voice took on a more desperate tone, for Castiel was already drawing further and further into himself. “You need to talk to him and fix things before I do.” Cas looked up in a panicked state, his face had gone immediately pale and his eyes widened with shock. “He _needs_ to know what’s going on! He is always angry because he feels useless every time you are feeling down and you won’t let him help.” Cas finally freed himself from Sam’s hold in a desperate movement, Sam didn’t fight back. “He is used to protecting people, Cas.” Sam sighed. “It’s the only thing he knows how to do besides hunting. He wants to take care of you.”

 

“No, Sam, that’s utterly ridiculous. Are you even listening to what you are saying? Doesn’t even sound like Dean at all.” Castiel’s voice was low with a silent self depreciation. “It doesn’t matter; but your concern is always appreciated, Sam.”

 

“But, Cas-”

 

“I said it was okay Sam.” Cas repeated calmly, forcing Sam to grudgingly agree with him. “I learned that expression from you, I would expect you to understand the meaning of it.” Castiel said with a touch of venom, referring to the word “okay”.

 

“No, Cas. It’s not okay.” Sam raised his voice without meaning too and it was the last straw for Castiel.

 

Cas lost it. “Stop it Sam! I HATE Dean Winchester and the fucking way he smiles. I hate his freckles and his stupid music! I told you to leave me with the djinn. Sam, I begged you to let me live the lie. I begged you to let me die in peace, to die happy.” Castiel’s eyes were red rimmed, the bags under his eyes had deepened and swelled because of his unshed tears and emotional distress. Cas was still learning how to control the most basic human emotions. To stop himself from crying was one of the hardest things he had ever managed. “You should have left me there to rot.”

 

Shakespeare had once said that it was better to have loved and lost, but Cas was better off without the pain of knowing what happiness felt like.

 

“Cas, I-”

 

“No, Sam. Just stop it! I’m not going to dwell further on this topic with you.” Cas closed his eyes shut and grabbed fistfuls of his own T-shirt to stop his hands from shaking. It was a psychological sign that could be read as trying to hold onto something real and Sam knew that very well. He had seen it with victims who refused to believe the painful truth. “I sometimes wish it wasn’t me who pulled Dean Winchester out of fucking hell, so that he would have never been under my charge, and I wouldn’t know every single inch of his beautiful righteous soul.” Cas took a deep breath and murmured the next thing, barely loud enough for Sam to understand. “I was better off never knowing what beauty or love truly meant.”

 

Sam was awestruck, his mouth hanging open. His body had gone completely cold, like a ghost had just walked through him. Sam couldn’t believe anything Cas just said; he wanted to believe everything was a lie, but the fire in Castiel’s eyes was too intense to ignore.

 

Cas opened his bloodshot eyes slowly and let out a shaky breath. He looked at the ceiling, basking under the thankfully normal white light of the ancient lamps hanging from it. He closed his eyes and willed his heart to calm down and for the weight on his stomach to stop making him shake with the need to vomit.

 

Sam lifted a hand to grab his shoulder in a reassuring gesture, but Cas rejected the gesture by roughly removing his shoulder from under Sam’s hand. He didn’t want to be touched, much less to be comforted. Castiel shook his head slowly; the movement forcing a single tear to trail down his cheek. He felt the dampness on his cheek, and Cas angrily wiped the tear away; enraged with himself for being so weak. He sighed and walked away without looking at Sam.

 

“Cas…” Sam muttered weakly. He stood there in the middle of the war room staring at the hall where he knew Cas had ran off to. He stood there in shock until a hand on his shoulder made him jump.

 

“Dude, you okay?” Dean looked at Sam with concern and studied his shocked face. Sam almost peed himself at the sight of Dean.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He tried to smile reassuringly at Dean, who frowned in response.

 

“You sure?” Dean placed the pizza box on the table with the map at the war room and raised an eyebrow at Sam. “You look like you just saw a ghost, and I mean it figuratively this time.” Dean smiled at his own joke but Sam didn't react.

 

“You just...” have to try to be nice to him, try to show him that you care. Cas is so broken Dean and you refuse to talk about it because you are still angry about the incident with the Djinn. Dean just ask him about the dream he had. Please, Dean.

 

Of course Sam didn’t say any of that and instead changed the subject.

 

“Is there anything else in the Impala?”

 

“Uhh, yeah some groceries, and I need to get her inside because it’s gonna rain soon. I can feel it in my bones, Sammy!” Dean pointed at his knee and winked at Sam. He joked about being able to predict the change in weather ever since Dean had broken his knee cap last year.

 

“Great, I’ll do that and get the stuff in the kitchen.” Sam said, trying to ignore how Dean looked at him suspiciously without any luck.  “Look man, I just need something to do, okay?” Sam opened his hand and asked for the keys with a pointed look.

 

“Sure,” Dean said before giving the keys to Sam. “just don’t take too long, ‘cause the pizza will be cold, okay?” Dean understood unease like the back of his palm. He knew what that need felt like, and so he didn’t pry Sam for information.

 

“Yeah.” Sam’s lips thinned in a fake smile before he took off upstairs to the entrance of the bunker.

 

Dean just stared at his back and shook his head. It was better to ignore Sam’s weird moods unless they lasted more than a day or two. He picked some Styrofoam plates from the kitchen and moved the pizza to the dining room. He was about to open the box when he remembered Cas, and how he didn’t know about the food. Castiel was so thin and malnourished, especially because he had been kidnapped and placed on an IV diet; but that wasn’t the only reason for his lack of fat. The asshole couldn’t keep his meal times like a normal person, instead he just ate whenever he felt like it.

 

Dean sighed, he shoved his hand through his hair and walked over to Castiel’s bedroom. Cas had chosen one of the rooms between Sam’s and his bedroom. It was small, but it had a bathroom all to himself.

 

“Hey, Cas.” He shouted and knocked the door. “I brought some pizza.” No response. Dean sometimes felt like a baby sitter trying to remind Castiel to eat three times a day. He knocked again. “Cas?” He asked with a slight sense of worry in his voice. “Buddy you up?” Dean knocked the door again and sighed when Cas didn’t answer. Dean knew it in his heart that Cas was in there, he usually left his door wide open whenever he went out. Dean wasn’t sure if he did it by accident, on purpose, or if he was simply lazy.

 

Dean sighed, “I’m coming in Cas!” he shouted and slowly pushed the door open.

 

The room was dark, silent, and he saw Cas curled up on the floor with his back to the bed, holding his head between his bent knees. He looked small and his shoulders were shaking slightly. Dean could barely see his face in the darkness of the room and was afraid to approach him.

 

He knew Cas wasn’t okay. Dean knew that he was in pain, that he felt panic and that he was sad all the time. He also knew that Cas didn’t want his help. That Cas reacted badly every time he tried to help. Fuck it, Dean was going to force Cas to let him help. Cas was family and Dean couldn’t just stand back to watch him slowly tear himself apart from the inside.

 

“Cas?” He asked gently, Cas responded by making himself smaller. Dean wanted to groan because he didn’t want to do this, but at the same time nothing could stop him from trying.

 

“Go away.” Cas muttered.

 

“No,” Dean said gently, like talking to a child. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“The pizza is going to get cold.” Cas mumbled, like that would make Dean reevaluate his priorities and leave him alone.

 

Dean chuckled. “So, you were actually listening to me?” Dean laughed and he saw Cas smile slightly proud with his small mischief. “You asshole.”

 

Dean couldn’t see much of him, just his jaw and the corner of his lips that twitched with smugness. He shook his head and slowly crossed the room to sit next to Cas on the floor. He sat down with his back to the bed and his elbows resting on his bent knees. Cas flinched away when he felt Dean’s side pressing against his arm. Cas looked at Dean like a scared animal and added some space between them. Dean sighed.

 

“What’s going on Cas?”

 

Cas wanted to scream, he wanted to stand up and beat the shit out of Dean and then kiss every inch of his body. His conflicting thoughts fought for dominance in his head, and he just held on tighter to his legs to fight them both back.

 

“I hate this,” Cas whispered between gritted teeth, “I hate living like this.”

 

Dean recoiled and blinked several times. He was reminded of what the djinn had said to him back at the warehouse, about how Cas hated living. Dean knew the feeling far too well and wished that he could take away the pain from his friend.

 

“I did everything wrong as an angel and I’m an even worse human being.” Cas was crying now, tears running down his cheeks freely. Dean hated to see him like that.

 

“You saved me,” Dean whispered, “when I was at my lowest point. You swooped in and pulled my ass out the pit.” Dean saw Cas focusing his attention on his eyes. He couldn’t help but notice that his blue eyes looked even brighter when he cried. Dean wanted to just hold him until he stopped hating himself, until Cas forgot that he ever did anything wrong. It was a strange thought, but it didn’t make it any less true.

 

“Dean...” Cas looked like he was about to deny Dean’s praise.

 

“No, Cas, I never thanked you for doing that.” Dean avoided eye contact because it was too much for him. “I stabbed you when we first met, and then I treated you like shit instead of helping you out.” Dean sighed and looked down at his elbows resting against his knees. He could feel his voice trying to break from the emotion. “I’m sorry for being such an asshole.”

 

“You are not an asshole, Dean.” Cas said quickly, interrupting Dean.

 

“There you go again, saying the first thing that pops into your mind.” Dean smiled and shook his head. “I’m supposed to be comforting you. Not the other way around.”

 

“Well… I guess we both need it.” Cas copied Dean’s position and rested his head against the bed. He took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. He reassured himself that this was real by looking at the dull white paint. “I never told you what I dreamt about.”

 

“You don’t have to if you don’t-”

 

“You were in it.” Cas said quickly while Dean was complaining.

 

“-want... to...” Dean paused to process what Cas said. “What?” No amount of processing could possibly help him cope with what Cas had just said.

 

“You… were in it.” Cas repeated, a bit more hesitant, while staring at the ceiling. “Sam was there too.” He added with a casual shrug; knowing far too well that Dean would relax, and it worked. “The thing about dreams is that colors don’t look the same.” Dean frowned at Cas, but he didn’t met his eyes. “Things look brighter and like they do on TV or under several filters.” Cas sighed and shook his head. “I can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out. Especially with what was going on around me; it was quite surreal.” Cas stopped talking there, pressed his chin against his chest, and wrapped his arms around himself.

 

Dean was itching to ask what happened. What his presence on his dream meant to him.

 

“I thought you dreamt of heaven.” He whispered instead.

 

“Sometimes, I believed the same thing.” Cas murmured and avoided eye contact with Dean.

 

Dean felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up and he shivered. He had a bad feeling about this. Cas looked so lost and tired.

 

“Cas what did you dream about?” Dean asked slowly; not meaning to sound threatening, but his voice betrayed him.

 

Cas hesitated for a long time, Dean felt that whatever he said would be a lie.

 

“Life.” Cas muttered.

 

“What about life?” Dean knew he was pushing it. Cas looked close to making a run for it instead of answering.

 

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” Cas curled up again.

 

Dean wanted to kick himself for making Cas physically recoil from the conversation. He didn’t have to say anything; he could lie and tell him that it was okay not to talk about it, but the curiosity he felt was keeping him from playing it off. Dean wanted to run, to leave Cas alone for an hour and then come back with beer and some pizza as an olive branch.

 

“I just found out a way to ground myself in this reality.” Cas said without looking up.

 

“What do you mean?” Dean bit his tongue after he asked the question because it was just the type of thing that he didn’t need to know. He damn well knew that Cas had some explaining to do, but he was no one to force him to do it.

 

Cas turned his head slowly. He seemed to be considering something really hard. Cas studied his face slowly, taking in every flaw and every freckle. He finally settled on his eyes and frowned slightly.

 

Dean stared back with slightly parted lips; he needed to know what Cas was thinking, but Cas was just looking at him with a lost expression. Cas looked like he was searching for something. Dean wasn’t sure what was going on; he was used to Cas staring at him, but not like this.

 

“I focus on the small details of things or just the tone of color they have.” Cas licked his lips and looked at Dean, focusing on the color of his eyes and the constellation of freckles on the bridge of his nose. “The djinn never got your eyes right.” Cas sighed and, before Dean could freak out and say something stupid, Cas pulled Dean in by the back of his neck and kissed his lips.

 

It was the most gentle and tender kiss Dean had ever experienced. Cas didn’t kiss him for sexual gratification or to prove something. The kiss was soft despite his dry lips and the harsh stubble that covered his face. Dean was frozen in place, but Cas just pressed his lips against Dean’s unmoving ones. It was like he just wanted to figure out what Dean’s lips felt like. Cas kissed him like he was something delicate, which he probably was considering that Dean was about to break apart.

 

The kiss lasted no longer than five seconds. Dean’s eyes had been wide open the entire time, while Cas had closed his eyes gently. Cas retreated and pressed his lips together like he was still processing the sensation. Dean felt his throat closing and he felt cold inside with anxiety and panic.

 

“I apologize. I just needed to know if the djinn was wrong about that too.” Cas smiled sadly at his lap and gritted his teeth in a bittersweet grimace.

 

Dean allowed himself to freak out now and half-crawled, half-dragged himself away from Cas.

 

Dean hit the wall with his back. “What the hell was that, Cas?” It was the first thing that popped into his mind. Cas gritted his teeth and shook his head. “This is fucked up, Cas.” He ignored how Cas slowly started to curl up again into a fetal position again and closed his eyes tightly. “You can’t seriously be telling me that you have a thing for me.” Dean felt his voice starting to rise with panic and anger. He couldn’t fucking believe it.

 

“I didn’t say it,” Cas tightened his fist on his lap, “I just let you figure it out on your own.”

 

“Fucking semantics, Cas!” Dean shouted. He was pretty sure that he was all flustered; not only with embarrassment and shock, but with a sizeable amount of anger. “What the fuck do you want from me?”

 

“What do you mean?” Cas looked up with confusion.

 

“I can’t give you shit, Cas. I can see no reason why you would possibly ever want to be with me, as fucked up as I am.” Dean shook his head in disgust. “You must be confused or some bullshit like that, the freaking djinn must have put that into your head!”

 

“I don’t need things, Dean. I’m not confused. I accept the reason for your rejection considering that our mindsets are fairly different, which is totally understandable... and I already knew what your reaction would be like.” Cas seemed to think for a moment, not looking at Dean. “Albeit, I was expecting more shouting from your part, but I guess you are too stunned for that in this moment.”

 

“Like hell I am!” Dean shouted, he wanted to stand up and run; the only thing preventing it was the current state of his wobbly knees. Cas had freaking kissed him! “Why did you kiss me?” Dean’s voice was still loud and his throat was beginning to become sore. “You knew that I was gonna freak out or shit myself, and you still fucking did it!” Dean shook his head slightly, “what’s up with that, dude! Do you want to see me shit myself?”

 

“Despite the knowledge that my feelings for you-” Dean felt like he was about to vomit when Cas said that, “- are unrequited, I couldn’t keep myself from attempting to discover if the djinn was right about one thing.” Cas looked up gingerly, like he was afraid that Dean was going to stand up and start hitting him wildly with a lamp or a chair.

 

Dean froze. “What thing?” He whispered. Cas was looking at him like something inside of him was dying and Dean was the cause and the cure. Dean could feel the pain and resignation that Cas was feeling. It was so weird to see his emotions so… bare. Cas was usually stone faced and awkward, but right here and now… Cas was something else entirely. Dean couldn’t possibly imagine what Cas felt inside if his emotions were so out in the open like that.

 

“I wanted to know if your lips were as soft as the dream seemed to suggest.” Cas looked down at his hands and smiled sadly. “The djinn was certainly wrong.” Cas looked up at the ceiling. “Like the color palette of my surroundings, I thought that my sensory receptors had been enhanced regarding touch.” Cas stared at the ceiling like it had all the answers in the world, he lifted his hand and played with how the light hit his pale skin. “Of course I wasn’t entirely wrong, but some things were just not right.” Cas looked lowered his hands again. “Your lips are softer than what I could’ve ever imagine.” He whispered, and looked up at Dean. “I just couldn’t live with myself unless I knew that for sure.”

 

Dean felt something lukewarm settle in his stomach, like anxiety mixed with something warm that he couldn’t name. “Cas...” Dean slowly stood up, like a drunk man who was being ushered outside of the bar at 2 am. He stumbled in his steps and shook his head all the way up. He braced himself against the wall and looked at Cas who looked like he was being torn apart. “I’m not the guy in your dream.”

 

“I know, Dean. I always knew that.” Cas gave him a tight lipped smiled like he was the one reassuring Dean, which he really was. “You are so much better than that.”

 

Dean ran.

 


	13. “Learning to fly” - Pink Floyd

 

The first thing he did was sweep everything from his desk. Picture frames, pens, mugs, and papers were thrown against the wall; the mugs shattering on impact. Glazed ceramic shards covered the floor and Dean stepped over them to reach out for his night lamp and shattered it against the wall with a grunt. He had enough sense not to wreck anything else in his room and instead settled for banging his fists against the wooden desk repeatedly.

 

Dean stopped and took a deep breath as he struggled for self-control. Cas was crazy, he had to be. His time spent poisoned by the djinn had probably fried his brain and now he was imagining things.

 

Things Dean hadn’t let himself think about. Cas was his best friend for God’s sake. Friends don’t sexualize each other. It would be weird and awkward to do so. What kind of sick person does that? You sexualize random people on the street or bars, or people you know from a couple days like co-workers and stuff; not best friends who you have known for years.

 

Dean threw himself back on his bed and covered his face with both hands. He remembered doing the same thing in the library once. The mark of Cain had still been on his arm then. Dean looked down at his arm as he felt the phantom itch on his forearm. He covered the place where the mark had been and pressed down on his skin with his nails. Dean had thought about just ripping it off several times. Just cutting his arm of and that would have been it.

 

He groaned and took in a deep breath. He refused to let his thought wander further into the past and covered his face with his hands again. The contact between the skin of his palms and his lips triggered his muscle memory. His fingers found their way to his lips and began to trace them. Dean was unintentionally replaying the kiss slowly in his brain.

 

The kiss had been the slowest thing he had ever experience. The type of kiss you didn’t enjoy simply because you were too busy measuring the invisible boundaries your kissing partner would or wouldn’t set. Except this kiss hadn’t been about boundaries. It had been about Cas exploring him with a tender but firm press of the lips. Cas’ lips had felt dry and warm against his own, and Dean could still feel the ghost sensation of his stubble scraping his chin. It hadn’t been about sex or even romance, Cas simply needed the reassurance. Whether it was to prove the djinn wrong or to just kiss Dean at least once, he wasn't sure.

 

Dean growled and slapped his face. “Snap out of it!” He shouted at the ceiling.

 

* * *

 

 

Hours later, his hunger had finally got the best of him and he snuck out of his room to grab some pizza. It was already cold and still sitting on the kitchen counter. Sam had taken a couple of slices earlier. Cas had been right when he told him that the pizza would go cold. Dean chuckled and later realized that Cas hadn’t taken any slices.

 

Dean felt tempted to grab a couple slices of pizza and take them to Cas as an olive branch. Then again, Cas could see that differently and maybe find some hope in the gesture. Dean could also prepare a plate and leave it on the microwave with a post-it note for Cas to heat it up. Dean grinned, that way Cas wouldn’t know who left it for him.

 

There’s only a problem… Cas knew what his chicken scrawl looked like. Maybe he could print out the note. No, too suspicious. Maybe he could ask Sam to write it out. No, Sam would never let him hear the end of it.

 

“Dean?”

 

Dean jumped and almost dropped his food. “Holy cow!”

 

“Uhh… I do not see why a cow would be holy.” Cas glanced at the pizza. “Is it cold?” He asked nonchalantly. Dean liked nonchalant interactions, they looked normal.

 

“A bit, yeah.” Dean nodded and looked down at his feet. “Still good enough to eat though, no need to heat it up.”

 

“Good,” Cas nodded, “that’s very good.” He took a couple steps and stood next to Dean to grab his own slices.

 

“So...” Dean commented and wanted to kick himself for opening a new awkward conversation.

 

“So,” Cas copied in his low voice, “what were you doing earlier?” Cas asked and tilted his head like he usually did. Dean drank in the familiar gesture and shrugged.

 

“I was staring at the microwave.” Dean muttered.

 

“Why?” Cas frowned in confusion.

 

“I- uhh.” Dean cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck. “I was thinking that you hadn’t eaten yet, and the pizza would be too cold when you got here. So, I was going to put a plate together to set it on the microwave and put the rest into a topper on the fridge.” Dean wanted to groan at his verbal vomit. He didn’t understand what he was so nervous about. So what if his friend had a crush on him? It hadn’t been the first time it happened to him. There was no reason to freak out like that. This was Cas, and Cas was cool.

 

“That’s very thoughtful of you.” Cas gave him a tight lipped smile, something he had apparently picked up during his adventures with the djinn. “Thank you, Dean.”

 

“Yeah… don’t mention it.” Dean could run now, he could take his pizza, probably a beer too, and run away. “Hey,” dammit Dean stop talking, “we good?” Shut up Dean. He bit his tongue and cheeks to prevent his mouth from running off again.

 

“Of course, Dean.” Cas smiled reassuringly. Dean wanted to laugh at the fact that Cas was reassuring him and not the other way around.

 

“Cool beans, I just didn’t want things to be weird.” Which they are. Dean didn’t even know what possessed him to say something as childish as “cool beans”.

 

Dean realized he was still standing in front of the microwave and staring at Cas like a deer caught in the headlights. Cas, bless his heart, nodded with another tight smile and sat down on the kitchen table. Dean felt the need to run to his room, but it would be impolite to leave Cas alone in the kitchen.

 

Dean sat down in front of Cas and tried to eat like everything was normal. It was weird to see Cas eating, despite having seen him eat for months. It was such a human gesture that made Dean feel slightly perturbed. Cas eating pizza and smearing his face with pizza sauce was a grim reminder of how Cas had lost his grace one last time to save humanity. He wanted to reach over and wipe of the sauce from his chin.

 

“Hey guys!” Sam walked into the room and sat next to Cas. He had his laptop with a tab open on an article and wide grin that screamed ‘hunt’. “So get this...”

 

* * *

 

They found themselves packing their things in duffel bags for a trip to Wyoming. Sam had found traces left by an Abiku according to police records of children acting strange, running away from their homes, and killing people. The Abiku was a creature that possessed children and used them to do stuff, usually murder or just a re-make of “The Exorcist”. It usually preyed upon sick kids so hospitals were warded in secret against these monsters by random hunters who knew about this.

 

“We leave tomorrow at 8.” Dean announced and stood up. “Goodnight.”

 

Sam and Cas shared a look, Sam raised his eyebrow in a question aimed at Cas, who shrugged nonchalantly. Nonchalantly enough for Sam to become suspicious.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Dean was glaring at everything and everyone.

 

“Cas… where’s your stuff?” Dean shouted at Cas and he just stared back at him in surprise. “Stop staring at me and go pack your stuff, we leave in an hour!”

 

Dean ignored Sam’s proud smile and the annoying pat on the back. Sam grinned, he thought that things were okay now. He had the idea that Dean had talked to Cas and they had fixed things between them. It was easy to think that, especially if you compared this to how they were acting around each other a couple days ago.

 

They stopped several times on the road at motels and diners. Sam had attempted to leave Dean and Cas alone in a room. Dean, of course, refused to let that happen. Cas was oblivious to the small fight over the rooms, since he had stayed back in the car.

 

They stopped at two more motels on the road and kept fighting over the rooms. Dean finally snapped and researched on his phone for a motel that had rooms with three beds. Sam had been actually impressed by his skills. The next night, Dean had somehow managed to find a motel in Wyoming that had a sofa that doubled as a bed.

 

“I’m not sleeping on that thing!” Dean practically ran to settle on one of the beds. Sam and Cas were barely past the door and Dean was already sprawled like an octopus on his bed.

 

“Dean, come on!” Sam was too tired to fight and it was obvious from the sound of his voice. “It was your idea to come here.”

 

Dean pointed a finger at Sam. “This is your fault and you know it.”

 

“Dean!” Sam groaned tiredly.

 

“I can take it, I don’t mind.” Cas shrugged, “The places I rested in when I lost my grace for the first time were in far worse condition.” Cas placed his duffel on the sofa and smiled at the brothers.

 

Dean felt like someone had punched the air out of his lungs.  “No, no! I was just kidding anyway.” Dean smiled at Cas, he waved his hands around like a madman which he probably was. “I’ll take the sofa, you two can use the beds.” If anyone was going to be the martyr, it was going to be him.

 

“But Dean-”

 

“I chose this place, Cas. It’s my fault.” Dean stood up and clapped Cas twice on the shoulder. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. Cas was silently asking for confirmation and Dean nodded.

 

Sam cleared his throat loudly. He was staring at Dean like he was some sort of alien creature and had popped a third arm out of his right ear. Dean cleared his throat too and Cas just frowned in confusion. Sam sighed and helped Dean set up his bed. Cas was still confused.

 

Castiel disliked the idea of Dean sleeping uncomfortably. He offered (more like forced Dean to accept) some of his pillows and made sure that Dean had enough blankets by getting two more from a maid. Cas had looked so proud when he gave Dean the items. His blue eyes were shining with joy and his pink lips were pursed in attempts to keep himself from smiling.

 

Dean had smiled warmly at him. He took the blankets from Cas and tossed them on his bed. Sam was in the bathroom taking care of his hair, so Dean had no second thoughts when he hugged Cas quickly but tightly. He cradled Cas’ head against his shoulder with a hand on the back of his neck. Cas didn’t move to hold him back as expected, but Dean couldn’t care less.

 

“You are never sleeping in bad places ever again.” Dean squeezed Cas again and released him before Cas could hug him back. Dean cleared his throat and began arranging his pillows the way he liked.

 

“Dean-” Cas started.

 

“Dean what time is it?” Sam interrupted Cas by accident when he exited the bathroom with a towel around his neck.

 

“Seven something.” Dean mumbled, trying to hide his blush from Sam and Cas.

 

“I was thinking that we could watch a movie or something and order some pizza or Chinese food.” Sam grinned like a kid at his first sleepover.

 

“Chinese food.” Cas answered before Dean could open his mouth, his low voice made it sound like an order instead of an opinion.

 

“Okay?” Dean raised an eyebrow at Sam. He didn’t know what Sam’s plan was, and that scared him. “I’ll order the food, you two choose the movie.” Dean walked to grab his phone and suddenly stopped. “Don’t pick a chick flick, Sam.”

 

“What about Marley and Me?” Sam asked. Cas looked confused.

 

“Don’t you fucking dare show Cas that thing.” Dean picked up a pair of socks from his duffel and threw them at Sam’s head when he was distracted.

 

“Hey!” Sam picked up the bundle of socks from the floor and threw them at Dean who caught them before they hit his face. “Ugh alright, alright. Cas, have you watched Indiana Jones?”

 

“I know the plot thanks to Metatron.”

 

Sam and Dean rolled their eyes

 

* * *

 

 

They ended up eating on Dean’s “bed” with Dean in the middle and the trash on the floor. Sam had fallen asleep early on the movie, he had curled his body around a pillow and leaned away from Dean to rest properly. Dean had groaned and moved to give him space, but by doing so he was practically lying on top of Cas.

 

Dean didn’t even know what was going on in the movie. The body heat from Cas felt like it  was almost burning his leg. He didn’t want to move away because Cas would probably be offended. Ever since the dream, Cas had been more fragile and easily triggered by many things. Cas had almost cried when he saw a huge dog in the last motel they saw. He guessed it had something to do with his dream because Sam had also flinched when he saw it. Dean had rolled his eyes when Cas had offered the dog a piece of his cheeseburger. He didn’t comment on it because Sam had that sad look that he used when he saw something cute enough to cry about. It was weird and gave Dean the heebie jeebies.

 

Cas shifted once or twice watching the movie. He seemed to really like it because he wasn’t complaining about the plot or asking Dean to explain everything. It was endearing to see Cas enjoying himself like that. He was relaxed instead of anxious or moping around like an emo teenager.

 

Dean was so tired he didn’t realize that he fell asleep with his head resting on Cas’ shoulder.

 

Sam woke up when the movie ended. He sat up groggily and saw Dean snoring gently on top of Cas shoulder. Then he saw Cas resting his head on top of Dean’s. The scene warmed up his heart entirely. He stood up gently and wrapped a blanket around them. While doing so, he saw that Dean had placed a hand on Cas’ thigh and Cas was holding Dean’s forearm in his hand. Sam grinned to himself and shut down the TV and took care of the trash.

 

Neither Cas nor Dean spoke about the accidental cuddling. Den glared at Sam, who wore a shit eating grin for the next 24 hours straight.

 

………………………

 

It took them three more days to finish the hunt. They found the Abiku hiding out in the woods in an old cabin with a bunch of kids trapped in the basement. Sam expected to find sick kids since that was what the Abiku preferred, but all the kids looked normal and healthy. Cas had thought that it was forming a guard of some sort to protect himself using the children as human shields. They had exorcised the children first and then killed the Abiku.

 

The Abiku had taken the form of a shaman from a Nigerian tribe (or so had Cas said when they inspected the body). They sometimes possess bodies like demons and killed the host by eating the soul and later using it for power. There weren’t many Abikus left alive in the world, and most of them lived peacefully in Nigeria. Sam suggested that perhaps this one had broken a rule and ran way.

 

Dean had called in the cops and told them that he had found the kids while hunting deer with a couple of friends. They had luckily packed their hunting permit which made it easier for the cops to believe them. One of them did ask why they carried sawed off shotguns and not rifles, Dean had said that they never meant to kill any deer. Dean showed the cop the salt rounds and the cop just shrugged.

 

Sam was an expert at dealing with the cops. Cas just looked confused and frowned at everyone. Dean wanted to laugh when he saw his face. The cops took their statements that the brothers had already worked on and then they all took off.

 

Back in town, the families treated them like heroes after the kids had told them about the “hunters that killed the bad man.” Dean was trying not to feel too uncomfortable when mothers and sisters hugged him for a bit too long. It was hilarious to see Sam suffer through it, but he had tried to ignore the fact that Cas was getting an equal amount of attention.

 

Dean gave up trying to fake his indifference and openly stared at Cas. He was smiling. Really smiling, not faking it like he sometimes did back at the bunker. Dean felt guilt pool at the bottom of his stomach. He was perfectly capable of making Cas just as happy, but he was no good for him in the long run. Dean smiled at Cas when he turned around to look at him with those wide blue eyes. He chuckled when he realized that Cas was asking for help.

 

“If you’ll excuse us.” Dean grabbed Sam and Cas by the shoulder. “We have some stuff to discuss with the park ranger and the sheriff.” The people nodded and bid them farewell.

 

“We have nothing to discuss with them, or do we?” Cas whispered once they were in the Impala.

 

“Nope,” Dean grinned, noticing for the first time that Cas had somehow found himself in the front seat while Sam was half asleep on the back seat. “We are going to the motel and let the Sasquatch rest for a while and then go out for dinner.”

 

Cas frowned. “We don’t have a Sas- Oh!” Cas looked at Sam and chuckled when he understood the joke.

 

Dean grinned widely. He had made Cas chuckle. Dean frowned when he realized what he was grinning about. Cas gave him a worried look, but didn’t say anything. Dean was so fucked.

 

They went back to the motel, slept a bit, and then got ready for dinner. Dean grinned when he realized that Cas was apparently used to jeans and t-shirts by now. Dean had decided to give Cas one of his leather jackets when he realized Cas only owned his suit jacket and the trench coat.

 

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas shrugged the leather jacket on with a smile.

 

Dean grunted a “yeah” and slapped Cas in the back in a friendly gesture. He later regretted giving Cas a leather jacket because he looked… weird is not the word, but it definitely made him feel weird.

 

Sam was smiling at them. Cas saw his smile and frowned. Dean wanted to hit Sam in the face with the Impala. Sam grinned at Dean and wiggled his eyebrows.

* * *

 

 

The owner of the dinner was apparently one of the mothers of the children they had rescued, and she refused to let the boys pay. People approached them at random intervals to thank them for their heroic deed. The three of them looked like scared children under the attention. Dean tried to fake his cockiness, but he still stuttered every time someone thanked him directly. Sam was all gentle smiles and hugs, while Cas was all awkward handshakes and even more awkward pats on the back. Dean choked on his burger when one of the kids hugged Cas violently. Dean smiled at Cas when he hugged the kid back. Later, Dean flirted with the waitress and got himself some free apple pie.

 

“We should come to small towns more often.” Dean whispered with his mouth full of pie.

 

“Well, we could stay here one more day.” Sam shrugged. “We have nothing else to do.” Sam whispered back.

 

“Sure.” Dean wolfed down his pie and smiled at Sam and Cas who were sitting in front of him.

 

They did stay one more day to bask in the attention and then took off around 7am the following morning with extra supplies for the road from the people at the farmer’s market. Dean felt relaxed, everything was okay. Nothing could kill his mood, not even Sam’s little snores and Cas’ face pressed against the window at the backseat in a way that his cheeks squished his lips into an adorable duck face.

 

Adorable.

 

What the actual hell?

 

Dean was suddenly back to being an angry asshole.

 

* * *

 

 

"Dean what's wrong?" Sam asked when the silence had stretched out for far too long. Dean wasn't even drumming along with Ramble On playing on the radio.

 

"Nothing."

 

"You sure?" Sam looked at him with worry and Dean kept his eyes on the road.

 

"Yeah."

 

Sam shut up after that.

 

The entire car ride was awkward, and Sam had refused to talk to Dean. When Dean parked the Impala in his favorite spot, Sam got out as fast as he could and made a lame excuse about being tired. Dean had shouted at him to remember to get something for dinner because it was his turn. Sam rolled his eyes.

 

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me!” Dean shouted and slammed the door shut. Then, he saw that Cas was looking at him with worry in his eyes. "What?" He barked.

 

"What's wrong Dean?" Cas asked with a careful tone. He knew how explosive Dean could be whenever he became stressed or angry, and he was trying not to provoke him further.

 

"Nothing, Cas." Dean turned around and licked his lips in a nervous habit.

 

He had seen Cas with those people. He had obviously enjoyed their attention. It had left a bitter feeling in his stomach that he loathed. It felt like jealousy of the most selfish type, like Dean wanted Cas to be miserable, but safe in the bunker. This last hunt had showed him that Cas truly didn't need him anymore and that the reason he was staying was some ill-advised sense of loyalty. But loyalty wasn't enough to keep someone stuck in one place. Cas would figure that out eventually and leave Dean behind.

 

Dean turned around and stared at Cas with a calculating look.

 

"Dean? What is it?" Cas tilted his head and slowly placed a hand on Dean's shoulder.

 

Dean looked at the hand on his shoulder and had a sudden epiphany.

 

"Oh..." he whispered. The only reason Cas was staying in the bunker was because Cas was infatuated with him. Dean looked at Cas with mixed feelings of pity, sadness and anger. "I- uh... I need a drink Cas." Dean walked away, pushing past Cas in his haste.

 

"Dean?" Cas asked again. He saw Dean run upstairs two at a time with the car keys in hand. Cas was waiting for Dean to look back or maybe wave goodbye. He wasn't surprised when Dean simply slammed the door behind him.

* * *

 

 

Castiel woke up at 2 am when he heard a noise in the kitchen. He grabbed his angel blade and walked barefoot to the kitchen area. He never really trusted the men of letters warding of the bunker considering the number of people that had managed to break in. Castiel lowered his blade and set it on the counter when he saw Dean with his head stuck in the refrigerator and a mustard jar rolling on the floor.

 

Cas sighed and knelt down to grab the jar. He made sure to make a slightly loud noise with his feet as he walked to make sure Dean knew about his presence.

 

Dean stood up when he heard Cas. He grinned and crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked at him from head to toe.

 

"What are you doing here?" Dean was so drunk he couldn’t see straight. He was squinting at Cas like he needed glasses and it looked like he had started to remove his clothes for bed, but was unable to even take off his jacket by himself.

 

"I live here." Cas stared back at Dean with a blank expression. Dean chuckled.

 

"Of course you do." Dean fixed his hair and smiled when Cas looked at him with confusion. Dean shook his head and grabbed a Gatorade. "Best cure for a hangover." He toasted to the air and chugged down the blue liquid.

 

It was obvious that he was drunk and Cas felt the need to get Dean to his own room. He didn't want Dean accidentally falling and passing out on the floor. He would be crankier in the morning and complaining about his back for days.

 

"Are you done?" Cas asked when Dean finished his Gatorade and drank some water. Dean nodded.

 

Castiel lead Dean to his room without touching him. Dean thought it was unacceptable and wrapped his arm around Cas' shoulder while smiling. Cas tensed up under the weight of Dean's arm. Cas saw Dean smiling at him, and so he smiled back. If this made Dean happy then he was okay with it.

 

They stumbled their way to Dean's room with Dean laughing all the way and Cas smiling gently. Cas helped Dean enter his room and was about to help him get settled when Dean placed his hands on Cas' hips.

 

Cas looked down at Dean's hands like they were alien appendages. Dean saw his moment of hesitation as permission to go further and he pulled Cas closer to press his body against his. Cas gasped and looked down in alarm at their lower bodies pressed against each other. He desperately attempted to push Dean back with his hands. Dean wrapped an arm around his waist to keep him in place and used his other hand to grab the back of his neck in a tight hold. Cas whimpered with surprise at the slight pain on his neck and Dean grinned.

 

"Don't fight me Cas." Dean leaned forward and kissed his jawline. Cas shivered and Dean grinned. "This is what you want, isn't it?" Cas shook his head but Dean ignored it and kissed him.

 

It was rough, sloppy, and almost painful. Dean tasted like alcohol — bitter and dirty. Cas wanted to protest, but Dean took that as an opportunity to stick his tongue down his throat. Cas whimpered and fought to push Dean away from him. Dean fell backwards and landed on the bed. Cas accidentally tripped on a shirt as he backed up until he hit the wall. He slid down against the solid wall, his heart pounding painfully in his chest.

 

Cas saw the irony in this. He had kissed Dean without his consent and Dean had pushed him away and backed up until he hit the wall, just like Cas did. Cas was torn between hating himself and hating Dean. They were practically equal now despite Dean’s far more scary approach.

 

Dean sat on his bed and looked at Cas with a confused frown.

 

“I’m really stupid, aren’t I? I must be.” Dean gulped and looked around the room like he had just realized there are walls around him. “Fuck, I was sure you just wanted to fuck me.” Dean’s last sentence was slurred, but Cas understood it perfectly.

 

“What?” The fact that he understood what he said didn’t mean he understood the meaning.

 

“I mean… why the fuck would you hang out with us unless you wanted something.” Dean was still slurring heavily on his words. “Everyone wants something out of me.” Dean muttered something unintelligible under his breath.

 

“Dean… I don’t-”

 

“Yes you do, asshole!” Dean whispered loudly which turned into a drunken hiss. Cas was still pressed against the wall. “Your entire fuckin’ dream was about you getting’ to do the nasty with me.” Dean laid back on his bed and burped loudly, it seemed to hurt his throat because he coughed and placed his hand near his collarbone. Cas saw him closing his eyes and relaxing his body.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Of course you had to be a friggin idiot and confuse sex with feelings.” Dean shrugged with his eyes closed. He threw an arm over his face to shield his eyes from the light bulb. “I don’t blame you, it’s a typical virgin mistake.”

 

“I’m not-”

 

“That fucking reaper bitch you screwed doesn’t count!” Dean shouted and sat up in a furious movement. Cas raised his eyebrows in shock and pressed himself harder against the wall. “The djinn scrambled your eggs and now you think that you are in love with me or some BS like that.”

 

Cas took a step forward. “Dean-”

 

“No, shut up and listen.” Dean pursed his lips and held a finger to his own lips. He closed his eyes and almost fell asleep sitting up, but he continued talking. “I wanted to fuck your brains out so you’d come to realize that you don’t really want me.” Dean grinned stupidly. “Then we could go on as friends and you would stop looking at me with heart eyes. We would laugh about this one day!” Dean smiled and his next words were made in an imitation of Cas’ words “Of course I wasn’t in love.” Dean chuckled in a deep voice, still mocking Cas. “Can’t believe I was stupid enough to believe that.” Dean laughed and sighed dramatically.

 

Cas took this as a sign that Dean wasn’t going to fight anymore. He took a couple steps forward and silently removed Dean’s boots.

 

“Oh” Dean made a surprise noise with mock arousal. Cas removed his socks gently. “Oh! Didn’t know you had a foot fetish, Cas.” Dean chuckled and closed his eyes, he was too drunk and tired to do anything else. Cas rolled his eyes and unbuckled his belt to remove his jeans. “Oh…” Dean mumbled in his sleep and Cas chuckled at how stupid Dean was. Dean was either a dangerous drunk or an adorable one.

 

He realized that he considered Dean “adorable” even in his drunken state; even after the incident that could’ve easily turned into something more dangerous than a kiss. Cas shivered at the thought and exited Dean’s room silently. He didn’t bother with Dean’s blanket because he knew Dean never slept peacefully after a night of drinking. He always tossed and turned while mumbling incoherent things and names at random intervals.

 

Cas went back to his room and tried not to bring up the memory of himself removing Dean’s pants or the unappealing rough kiss that happened not even ten minutes ago. He rubbed his eyes and tried not to let exasperation or anxiety take over him. He was torn between so many emotions, but the main one right now was anger. He loathed what Dean had tried to do to him. He was allowed to leave whenever he wanted and to feel whatever he wanted. He had chosen to fall for free will and refused to allow Dean to take it away.

 

If Dean didn’t agree with him, then so be it.

 

 

 


	14. "Every Rose has it's Thorn" - Poison

 

If Sam could compare how the bunker felt like right now to a historic event, he would definitely go with the cold war. Things were a bit more edgy at the bunker lately and Sam was just waiting for the shit to hit the fan in the form of one of those spectacular fights that left him alone, with the duty of picking up the pieces. The tense and hostile environment was slowly eating away at all of them. Sam usually refrained from being in the same room as the two of them. It wasn’t just the atmosphere that bothered him, but the way either one of them would look at him, obviously asking for help. Cas usually pleaded for an excuse to escape, while Dean called for back up against Cas.

 

Dean and Cas tried to avoid each other for different reasons, which was stupid considering they lived together. Especially whenever Sam called them both to help him with research. They would sit on different ends of the table, and Dean would be visibly aggressive towards Cas. The two idiots would fight over the smallest things and argue more than usual whenever they had different opinions regarding the case they were working on. As expected, the shit hit the fan when Dean woke up one lazy Sunday morning and walked into the kitchen. He wanted some bacon and eggs and was already planning what he would make for lunch. Dean stopped planning his meals when he saw both doors slightly ajar.

 

“Who left this open?” He shouted when he saw Sam enter the kitchen.

 

“How the hell would I know?” Sam rubbed his eyes and glared at Dean. He heard Cas jogging towards the kitchen area, probably worried about Dean.

 

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Cas entered the room wearing his green flannel pajamas. He looked at Sam and Dean who looked perfectly safe. Upon seeing this, he was able to relax a bit.

 

“Was it you?” Dean barked at Cas.

 

“What happened?” Cas asked.

 

“Did you leave this open last night?” Dean growled while taking everything out of the fridge and sniffing each object obsessively.

 

Cas hesitated to answer and Dean growled in response.

 

“Figures, never trust an angel with this stuff.” The comment was made in such a strong tone that it made Cas take a step back.  “Can you smell this chicken?” Dean shouted holding a plastic bag of raw chicken breasts in his hand. Sam gave Dean and Cas a worried look. “It shouldn’t smell like this, Cas!” Dean gripped said chicken and threw it towards Cas. It didn’t cause much damage to his shirt, because of the bag, but Cas barely had the time to react and catch it properly. Dean returned to check out the food.

 

“Dean-” Sam started talking.

 

“The greens are good, Sam. Don’t worry.” Dean grumbled and looked up from where he was fishing stuff out of the fridge. He looked at Cas with the chicken in his hands. “What are you doing just standing there?” Castiel flinched. “Throw it away!” Dean shouted when Castiel still didn’t move.

 

“I- I’m very sorry, Dean. I apologize, I wasn’t thinking.” Cas stuttered and wobbled towards the nearest trash can.

 

“Dean stop being such an asshole.” Sam defended Castiel, and Dean just glared back at him. They both knew that Sam had picked a side for this fight. Sam crossed his arms above his chest and pointed at Castiel with a jerk of his head. Dean understood his meaning and groaned with an eye roll. Sam wanted Dean to make things better somehow. Dean grabbed the milk carton and sniffed it.

 

“Oh my God...” Dean whispered. “I didn’t know that milk could go bad this fast.”

 

“It’s an old fridge, Dean. We should probably get a new one soon.” Sam’s voice was gentle and relaxed, he wanted to calm Dean down by acting calmly himself instead of fighting back. It usually worked with Dean, who was like an emotional sponge.

 

“Sam, smell this.” Dean made a face like he was going to throw up and placed the milk carton on the kitchen counter. Castiel looked at Dean and lowered his head in shame.

 

“Haha, no thank you, I’m fine.” Sam raised his hands with the palms visible in a defensive gesture.

 

Dean faked a smile, “But it smells like roses, dude!” He grabbed the carton, walked past Cas, making sure to hit his shoulder on the way, and dropped the milk into the trash can.

 

“I’m sorry Dean.” Cas mumbled with his head bowed. Dean ignored him.

 

“I was going to make some fucking pancakes for breakfast, but we have no milk. At least the eggs didn’t go to hell.” Dean smiled at Sam.

 

Sam nodded out of fear, Dean’s blank stare was scaring him more than a freaking wendigo.

 

“”It’s not like I purposely left the refrigerator open, Dean.” Cas mumbled before he stomped towards the doorway.

 

Dean huffed and shook his head.

 

“You said the same thing after you let the Leviathans out.” His tone was no more than a whisper, but it carried enough acid to silence the room.

 

Castiel froze in the doorway, nodded slowly, and silently walked out of the room. Dean never looked back at him, he focused on cooking instead. Sam glared at Dean, grabbed himself an apple and went after Castiel.

 

“What?” Dean shouted at his back. “What, Sam?”

 

* * *

 

 

Sam and Castiel went out for a run the next day. They hiked through the woods with Cas showing Sam the warding he was working on. They eventually went back to the bunker to grab some books and other things from the lab to continue working on the spells. Castiel explained that the warding also helped keep the animals and trees healthy. It gathered its energy from the earth and the living beings within the small forest and gave it back in the form of protection. Sam had been fascinated.

 

They returned for lunch with Dean. It consisted of several sandwiches and Dean talking about a small case near the bunker. They were packing their stuff as fast as they could. The bunker didn’t feel like home to any of them and they needed an escape; even if it meant putting their lives at risk for random people. The car ride was either dead silent or the music was too loud for them to talk.

 

Dean never talked to Cas unless it was necessary and Cas seemed to be fine with it. They both refused to apologize to each other. Cas claimed that he had nothing to apologize for anymore, and Sam agreed with him wholeheartedly. He hated being in between his brother and Cas, but there was nothing he could do now.

 

Sam hated the tension. Cas and Dean had acted like best friends before the whole djinn incident. Things hadn’t been perfect back then, but at least Sam wasn’t stuck between them. Dean spent more time with Cas than him. It had been endearing to see Dean teaching Cas to do some human stuff. After becoming human, Cas had been surprised to be alive. The surprise didn’t last long after he realized he had no wings. Sam didn’t know how Cas had managed not to cry.

 

Whenever they stopped for the night, Dean rented two rooms and slept alone, leaving Sam and Cas to share a room. On the second night, around 1am, Cas sat up hyperventilating and blindly turned on the lamp. Sam was woken up by the harsh light hitting his face. He moaned in pain and placed a pillow on top of his face to cover his eyes.

 

“Dean?” Cas breathed out. Sam heard him, but didn’t catch the desperate and scared tone on the single word.

 

“Dude.” Sam groaned and was about to complain when he saw Cas staring at his hands and trying to relax his breathing. “Cas?” Sam sat up, ignoring the sudden wave of nausea that hit him from moving too fast. “Dude, what’s up? You okay, Cas?” Sam walked over to his bed, sat down next to Cas, and was afraid to do anything else.

 

“Sam?” Cas craned his neck and looked into Sam’s eyes. He was obviously trying to see something within him and Sam was weirded out by the action. Castiel’s blue eyes were wide and scared, the intensity emanating from them was so strong that Sam felt like Cas was looking inside his soul. He mentally wondered what Dean thought was going on when this happened to him.

 

“Yeah, Cas, it’s me...” Sam cleared his throat. “What… what are you doing?”

 

“What color are they?” Cas asked out of the blue.

 

“What?” Sam blinked in confusion.

 

“Your eyes, Sam. They are not green like Dean’s. They are not brown like your father’s, nor are they bright like your mother’s eyes.” Cas relaxed and Sam raised an eyebrow. “They are really different to look at without my grace.” Cas murmured looking at his hands again.

 

“Did you have a nightmare?” Sam asked; he felt out of his depths here. He had never helped Cas after a nightmare.

 

“No, quite the opposite.” Cas chuckled with self-depreciation. “I was afraid I was poisoned again by the djinn.”

 

“What did you dream about, Cas?”

 

“Nothing, Sam.” Cas smiled. “Go to sleep.”

 

Sam saw Cas curl up under the covers and close his eyes. He recognized a dismissal when he saw one.

 

The hunt went okay. Cas was mostly silent, and Dean was mostly aggressive. The cops worked faster than ever in fear of what Dean would do to them. They stayed together at one of those motels with two beds and a couch (Dean took the couch after losing at rock, papers, and scissors). Cas barely slept, but at least he didn’t wake up with a nightmare again.

 

The road trip back to the bunker was as tense as ever.

* * *

 

 

Sam heard Cas crying inside his room one day. Cas, who hadn’t even cried after having his family abandon him, was crying in his room now. Sam panicked and stepped into Cas’ bedroom only to be kicked out by Cas and have the door slammed in his face. He threatened to pick the lock, but Cas saw through the bluff and ignored Sam. He kept knocking on the door to annoy the hell out of Cas until he came out of his bedroom wearing his running gear and and a hoodie.

 

“I’m going out for a run.” Cas pushed past Sam without looking up.

 

“Cas!”

 

“Goodbye Sam. I’ll return shortly.” Cas didn’t even turn around, but at least he waved at Sam on his way out.

 

“Cas, stop!” But he didn’t. Sam groaned and decided against following Cas outside. He had already run 4 miles in the morning and it felt like enough for the whole week. He chose to hit the source of the problem instead.

 

“What the fuck did you do, Dean?” Sam shouted when he saw Dean sitting alone in the library.

 

“Stop screaming at me! I’m right-freaking-here!” Dean shouted back, even louder than Sam had yelled because he was childish, and this was his baby brother.

 

“I will scream if I feel like it!” Sam shouted back dramatically and even louder than Dean.

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Dean shouted back. He pursed his lips in annoyance and rested a hand on his hip.

 

“What did you do to Cas?” Sam asked, instead of yelling this time, with a low, dangerous, angry tone.

 

“What?” Dean frowned. “I didn’t do anything!” Dean stood up and slammed the book he had been reading.

 

“Exactly!” Sam walked until he was towering over Dean. “You are ignoring him!”

 

“So what? He doesn’t need me! He is big boy!” Dean pushed the chair he had been using earlier back to its place.

 

“He needs you Dean.” Sam placed a gentle hand on Dean’s shoulder. He sighed when Dean glared at the offending hand.

 

“No, Sam, he doesn’t need me. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Dean pushed Sam’s hand away and grabbed his book again.

 

“He does, Dean. When you were staying in your own room during our last hunt, Cas woke up from a dream thinking that he was back at the djinn’s.” This seemed to catch Dean’s attention, so he continued. “The first thing he did was ask for you.”

 

“He was probably just making sure I wasn’t there! He doesn’t need me to be a reminder of how fucked up this is.” Dean was being logical. He had once been told to stop following his heart and to follow his brain instead. If this helped to keep Cas safe, then so be it.

 

“Dean will you shut the fuck up and listen for a second!” Sam grabbed Dean by the shoulders and shook him violently. “Cas needs you. He still has nightmares. He sometimes dreams that he is back with the djinn, and then wakes up scared shitless asking for you.”

 

“Yes, you’ve said that twice now. It’s only reaffirming what I said; he is better off without me.” Dean snapped and struggled out Sam’s hold. He started cleaning up the mess at the table.

 

“Why?” Sam asked in a soft  and defeated voice

 

“Sam, he doesn’t need to be reminded of the dream every time he sees my face. It’s fucking with his brain. I can’t be there for him if it’s just going to hurt him more.” Dean gritted his teeth and gripped his pen. “The most logical thing to do is… is to keep him away from me. I’m the one who is hurting him by just existing.” Dean gulped, trying to swallow his own bull shit.

 

“Dean… he uhh...” Sam fidgeted and sighed. “When... ” he let out a breath and started again. “When Cas woke up… he turned on the light and stared at his hands like he was surprised to have them. Dude, it honestly scared the crap out of me and I went to sit down next to him.” Sam looked at the floor with a frown, knowing that he had Dean’s focus entirely on him. “He asked what color my eyes were. I don’t know why. He told me that they didn’t look as bright as Mom’s or dark like Dad’s. He compared my eyes to you and then stared at me until he relaxed. I-” Sam stuttered.

 

“He was grounding himself.” Dean muttered before Sam could continue.

 

“What?” Sam frowned in confusion.

 

“It’s a mental exercise.” Dean shrugged. “He told me that things look different in a dream. More colorful or something like that.” Dean waved his hand dismissively. “He stares at something, anything really, and studies the colors until he is sure that he is not back in la la land.” Dean bowed his head and gulped. He could feel the emotions trying to choke him with guilt and sadness.

 

“It helps him with the anxiety.” Sam figured out.

 

“Yeah, I googled the thing after he told me.” Dean pursed his lips into a smile. “Psychologists use it to help patients with depression and anxiety.” His tone softened.

 

“Dean...” Sam was searching for something to say, but the mood had quickly turned somber and filled with angst. He now understood that Dean was suffering too, perhaps just as badly as Cas was.

 

“Sam… I don’t even know how to put myself together. How can I help him if I can’t even save myself?” Dean scratched at his forearm, a nervous habit he had picked up. His voice sounded rough, and he hated how it sounded like he was on the edge of tears. “He is human now, the war with heaven and hell is over. He doesn’t need me, Sam.” Dean shrugged and sat down on a chair. “The only thing I’m was ever good for was to help him out when we had to fight.”  Dean’s voice broke at the end. Resting his elbows on the table, Dean covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath.

 

“We still have one more fight, Dean.” Sam whispered, aimed more to himself than to Dean.

 

“Look, I know what I’m doing, Sam. He will realize that we are no good for him, and then he’ll leave the bunker. He will have a chance at a normal life. Who knows? Maybe he will find a girl out there and get married and have kids with ten percent angel genes. How cool is that?” Dean attempted to smile and look convincing.

 

“Dean, do you even believe that?” Sam asked carefully with a frown.

 

“Yeah, ten percent angel rugrats could be fun.” Dean mused with a stupid smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes.

 

“Dean...” Sam gave him the look that meant that he knew Dean was avoiding something. Dean frowned and sighed.

 

“It doesn’t matter what I believe, Sam, okay?” Because he didn’t believe it. “What matters is that Cas could have a normal life out there, without us holding him back, and without the hunting.”

 

“That’s it, isn't it?” Sam chuckled and shook his head.

 

“What’s what?” Dean asked not understanding at all.

 

“You just realized that Cas has feelings for you, and now you are trying to push him away.” Sam huffed.  “That’s a typical Dean Winchester thing to do, isn’t it?” Sam walked towards Dean menacingly. “After all, you did erase Lisa and Ben’s memories of you, instead of dealing with it like a normal - umf!” Sam took a couple of steps back when he felt Dean’s fist collide with his nose.

 

“I told you I was gonna break your nose if you ever mentioned them again!” Dean saw Sam’s nose bleeding and slowly getting blood all over his lips and chin.

 

Dean felt his stomach drop at the sight of his baby brother hurt because of him. The blood on Sam’s mouth reminded Dean of the darker times when he drank demon blood. He hadn’t even hurt Sam when he had the mark of Cain or when he had turned into a demon. He was a monster, and the sudden realization hit him like a truck.

 

“Oh God.” He tried to touch Sam’s face, but Sam rejected the gesture.

 

“You and I both know that God’s not listening to us.” Sam stood up and wiped the blood from his chin. “Do you see what you just did? You are not only pushing Cas away. You are tearing yourself apart to be able to do so.” Sam paused. “Dean, you need him just as much as Cas needs you. I will never understand how that happened, but it’s the damned truth and I’m not gonna stand here and watch you fuck up the last good thing you have left.” With that Sam turned back and walked away to his own bedroom.

 

“Sam!” He shouted. “Sammy… I’m sorry dude...” Dean looked at his fist, it was filthy with Sam’s blood. He felt his knees give away and he let himself fall to his knees. He stared at the floor and ignored the sting from the tears that threatened to come out.

 

Dean was turning into his Dad. He was trying to deal with his problems by ignoring them and hurting his family while doing so. Dean had even hit Sam. He had his baby brother’s blood on his hands.

 

Dean growled and grabbed the keys to the Impala. He needed to buy more alcohol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally planning on making this a 15 chapter story, but I’m making it longer for you guys ;) ILY


	15. "Since I don’t have you" - Guns ‘n Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not so friendly reminder that I wanted to stop the story here

Chopping heads off was strangely therapeutic. There was something quite relaxing about using your muscles and body weight to decapitate your enemies with one flick of the wrist. Perhaps that’s what drove Napoleon to love the guillotine so much. Castiel’s train of thought was perhaps not the most healthy one, but he had never been normal anyway. The ex-angel smiled every time he cut through muscle and bone in a clean cut with his sharpened machete. He was pretty sure his smile looked more like a grimace. Dean had always said he looked funny every time he did something physically demanding.

 

Speaking of Dean, it was completely okay if Dean wanted to ignore him for a while; it had been more than a week since Dean had said something that wasn’t a barked order or a nonsensical grunt. Sam had complained to Castiel about him ignoring Dean a couple of weeks ago. Now, Castiel didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the irony. They acted like teenagers around each other. Castiel missed the time when they were just friends, and everything was easy because he simply didn't know much about being human. He wanted to hate the djinn for showing him what he really wanted out of life, but at the same time he wanted to thank them for showing him a bit of happiness. He was pathetic. At least they were almost back to normal during hunts. The old camaraderie of fighting and knowing that they had each other’s back had never disappeared.

 

Castiel chopped off another head with a grunt and looked around for more vampires. He didn’t see or hear anyone in the room, and so he decided to go search for the Winchester brothers. The mansion was majestic, albeit slightly run down, but he had no time to appreciate the fine carvings on the wood or the ancient paintings on the walls. He heard a loud voice and the shattering of glass coming from the second floor. 

 

Castiel took off running upstairs and followed the noise to an office. He chopped off the head of the first vampire he saw and fought his way in. Dean was on the ground surrounded by shards of glass. A vampire had slammed him down on a glass table that shattered on impact. Cas swiftly killed the remaining vampires and walked over to where Dean was simply trying to catch his breath.  When it was clear that there was no threat, Cas took Dean’s hand and helped him up.

 

“The only time you decide not to bring a leather jacket and this happens.” Cas teased and helped Dean remove the glass shards of his back. He felt a slight twinge of discomfort in his own shoulder; but didn’t mention it. He had probably dislocated it after killing the last vampire.

 

“It’s summer in Arizona, Cas. Can’t blame me for wanting to be comfortable.” Dean groaned after Cas removed a large piece of glass that had pierced through the layers of clothing, and digged itself on his skin. “How bad is it?”

 

“Not so bad, just a lot of glass shards.” Cas removed another glass shard and Dean hissed in pain.

 

“Alright! Alright! Stop it No hands ‘till we get back to the motel.” Dean waved his hands like he was trying to scare a mosquito away with ninja moves.

 

Cas lifted his hands in defense and laughed at Dean and his childish behavior.

 

“Shut up.” Dean grumbled before heading out in search for Sam. Dean was annoyed to see Cas grinning like a damn cheshire cat. Wait… Cas was smiling? He stopped in the middle of the hall and looked back at Cas with a  curious look.

 

“What?” Cas squinted at Dean, who seemed to have stopped breathing.

 

“Uhh… nothing.” Dean shook his head. It was proof that Cas didn't need much from him to smile. It meant that he would be okay without Dean. The thought both saddened and reassured him. It gave Dean the idea to relax around Cas.

 

“Hey guys, we done here?” Sam appeared out of the blue and clapped Cas and Dean on their shoulders. They both hissed at Sam, and Dean elbowed him in the ribs. Sam grunted in pain and hunched over his aching chest. 

 

“Oh don’t be such a wuss! I barely touched you!” Dean complained. Cas gave him a look and placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah, you barely elbowed my broken ribs! Jerk.” Sam snapped and he straightened with a grimace.

 

“Bitch.” Dean grumbled, walking past them to the car.

 

They returned to the motel in less than half an hour. Sam barely had time to take off his shoes before he was passed out on one of the beds. Cas made a beeline for the bathroom and washed his hands and face. Dean went to the kitchenette and rummaged around for the first aid kit. He dismissed the idea of getting himself a beer and sighed. Dean was sleeping on the couch tonight and he knew that Cas was going to annoy the hell out of him to move to the bed. As if on cue, Cas got out of the bathroom and lifted an eyebrow at him.

 

“Cas, help me with this.” Dean carefully removed his thin jacket and shirts as he walked towards the couch. He sat sideways with the first aid kit on his lap. Dean saw Cas holding his own shoulder with a hand and trying not to move his arm. “Hey, what’s up with your shoulder?” 

 

“What does a dislocated shoulder feel like?” Cas asked after he sat down behind Dean.

 

“It  hurts.” Dean turned around. “Let me check.” Dean put a hand on his shoulder and Cas bit back a pained groan. “Congratulations, that’s what a dislocated shoulder feels like. You can cross that off your bucket list.”

 

“What's a bucket list?” Cas frowned. “Why are buckets relevant to our conversation?”

 

“Not actual buckets, you dumbass.” Dean rolled his eyes. “It’s a list of things that you wanna experience or shit.” Dean made a dismissing wave of his hands and Cas frowned.

 

“I don’t have a bucket list.”

 

“That’s because you are extremely old and boring.” Dean teased with a grin. He motioned for Cas to stand up and prepared himself to fix his shoulder. “You’ve got to have something you want to do.”

 

“Not really.” Cas shrugged with his good shoulder.

 

“You're no fun, Cas. You are lucky that you are family.” Dean grinned.

 

“You keep saying that word.” Castiel responded with bitterness.

 

Dean froze and took his hands off his shoulder. “Cas… I-”

 

“Please, just fix my shoulder.” He interrupted, not wanting to engage in that specific conversation with Dean. “I need to heal your back afterwards.”

 

Dean didn’t comment on Castiel’s word choice. There was no healing to be done, just… plain old normal human actions to remove the glass stuck in his back.

 

“Ok, I’m gonna have to pop it back where it belongs… Take a deep breath… 1, 2-” He pulled his arm before saying three..

 

“Agh! Dean!” Cas screamed. “Where did the three go? Humans count to three to do things!” He whined, not that he would ever accept that he had whined. Cas placed a hand on his shoulder to try to lessen the pain. He apparently did something wrong because he hissed and dropped his hand.

 

“You are a human too, buddy.” Dean slapped his uninjured arm with a smirk. Dean placed his warm hands on Castiel’s shoulders and made a decision without thinking. “C’mere.” Dean manhandled Cas onto the couch and sat him down. He sat behind him and began massaging his tired muscles. He was well aware that Cas was in a lot of pain and that his muscles were tender to the touch. He used to do this for Sam, why not do it for Cas? “Pain is psychological.” 

 

“Tell me about it.” Cas closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Dean’s hands on his shoulders. “What are you doing?” It felt so good on his tired muscles. Cas felt his whole body turn to jelly with the unexpected attention. Dean was applying just the right amount of pressure with the tips of his fingers and his muscles were singing with joy.

 

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” Dean waited for Cas to answer, but was met with silence. “Your shoulders looked tense.” Dean shrugged. This was something he did for Sam a lot; no reason to panic. “This is a human thing too, Cas. Our muscles sometimes need a little help.” Cas grunted out a response, apparently too blissed out to say any more. Dean chuckled. “You are just like Sam… or a cat.”

 

“Cats are marvelous creatures.” Cas muttered in a whisper. His eyes were closed and he was just letting Dean do whatever he wanted.

 

“What about Sam? Is he a marvelous creature too?” Dean was grinning now and Cas hummed while in thought.

 

“I’m not sure” Cas mumbled.

 

“I could be a marvelous creature.” Sam spoke from his bed. Cas was slightly startled by Sam, he had been sure that the taller Winchester had been sleeping and not listening to them. He wondered if Dean felt uncomfortable with the added presence in the room.

 

“You can be a sasquatch or a moose, but there ain't no marvelousness in you.” Dean shouted.

 

 

“I’m not sure that’s a word...” Sam hummed and went back to sleep.

 

Dean chuckled again and turned his attention to Castiel’s neck muscles. He was so focused on what he was doing that he forgot what he felt like at the moment. Taking care of Cas was therapeutic in some way. Dean forgot the ache in his back, the pain in his too-old-for-this-job knees, and he also forgot his forced anger towards Cas. Dean accidentally brushed Castiel’s earlobe at the same time that he applied the right amount of pressure to his neck. Cas moaned silently which turned on all the red alarms in Dean’s brain. Dean cleared his throat and removed his hands from Cas who complained with a throaty moan.

“That’s enough, I can go on later, but there’s a fucking foreign object stuck in my back.” Dean positioned himself on the couch for Cas to be able to work easily. He was surprised at his own ability to come up with a great excuse accompanied with a completely normal tone of voice.

 

Cas turned around and sat down behind Dean. It was difficult to ignore the sight of Dean’s muscles and array of freckles. Cas took a deep breath and picked up the medical kit. He removed the small glass shards carefully with tweezers and added some antibiotic ointment to the wounds. He let it dry before putting a band-aid over each tiny wound. Dean complained about the band-aids, but Cas ignored him. When it was over, Castiel was feeling dizzy from exhaustion and wanted nothing else than curl his body around a pillow.

 

“I’m done, Dean. Go to bed.” Castiel pushed Dean out of the couch and he stumbled to his feet.

 

“You are not sleeping on a couch with that shoulder.” Dean protested and pointed at Castiel’s shoulder.

 

“Ditto, that back needs plenty of space.” Dean and Cas glared at each other until Cas yawned.

 

“You are not going to move, are you?” Dean sighed.

 

“No.” Cas responded and Dean groaned. Sam threw a pillow at them in protest at the noise.

 

“Shut up, jerk.” Sam grunted and fell back asleep for the second or perhaps third time.

 

“Bitch.” Dean glared at Sam and then at Cas. He was sure that at least five minutes went by, before Dean started to give up. Dean nervously scratched his forearm and the back of his neck before talking again. “Want to share the bed?”

 

“What?” Cas frowned.

 

“What?” Dean shrugged.

 

“Dean-”

 

“Oh come on, Cas. It’s fine, dude.” Dean was about to say “no homo” but decided against it. “Do I have to give you the ‘we are two grown ups’ speech?”

 

“I don’t understand that reference.”

 

“It something that... uhh happens in movies when two people need to share a bed.” Dean cleared his throat, but didn’t elaborate further. Telling Cas that this usually happened in romance movies would not help at all. He had spoken low enough to keep Sam from listening in on them again.

 

“You are going to keep insisting, aren’t you.”

 

“Unless you let me sleep on the couch or the floor, then no. Plus we have an extra pillow now.” Dean grinned. “It could be our Chinese Wall.” He hoped that Cas would understand his meaning.

 

“Okay.” Cas stood up and hissed when he moved his shoulder. 

 

They barely managed to get dressed for bed. Cas didn’t have the energy to put on a pair of pants after removing his jeans, and he ended up asking Dean for help to remove his shirt and put on a fresh one. Dean opted to sleep shirtless and in his boxers. Cas helped him to remove his shoes. It was kinda embarrassing for both of them to need each other’s help, but at the same time there was no shame. It was weird and they barely understood it themselves.

 

“How’s the shoulder?” Dean asked. He was lying mostly on top of the pillow he had placed as a barrier to keep pressure away from his back.

 

“Hurts.” Cas laid down face first on what he supposed was his side of the bed.

 

Dean sighed and sat on his knees next to Cas. This time, Cas didn’t complain about the contact. Dean’s hands felt amazing on his shoulders. This was way better than anything that had happened in his dreams. He sighed and relaxed his entire body. Cas knew that he was pathetic, but he was starting to accept the fact. 

 

Cas looked so peaceful. He was breathing deeply and had his eyes closed. He looked just like a cat with that content smile of his. Dean had no fucking idea what was going on. Perhaps he had some sort of bipolar disorder that made him act like an asshole by day and Mother Teresa by night. Castiel’s muscles felt harder than they looked. He guessed that his muscle tone was better than his. Dean only looked bigger because of the fat that covered every muscle he had, not that he cared because he looked more than fine without a shirt on.  

 

Dean only stopped when Cas started snoring. He replaced the pillow in the middle of the bed and then laid down face first just like Cas. He fell asleep with an arm hanging off the bed and staring at Sam’s bed. He was completely relaxed until Cas placed a gentle hand on his arm. Dean almost fell off the bed in shock until he reminded himself that Cas was sleeping next to him.

Cas had curled his body around the pillow in the middle of the bed. Dean patted himself on the back for placing it there earlier. Castiel’s shoulder seemed to be bothering him a bit, he wasn’t laying on top of it in his sleep, but still hung awkwardly over the pillow. Dean shook his head with a smile and fell asleep with Castiel’s hand resting on his arm.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Cas woke up from a nightmare. He was in hell and Sam and Dean had been there too. He hadn’t been able to save any of them. He was forced to watch Dean pick up the blade from Alastair’s hands and watch Sam suffer from Lucifer’s hallucinations just like he had in the past. He sat up in bed and pushed away the blankets. Cas wrapped his arms around his torso despite the pain on his shoulder. He made himself smaller as he tried to stop hyperventilating. Suddenly, foreign arms surrounded his own and a chest was pressed against his side.

 

“Cas?” Dean had thrown away the pillow separating them. It had fallen to the floor with a silent thud. 

 

Cas turned his head around to look at Dean in the darkness of the room. He saw Sam out of the corner of his eye, still sleeping peacefully on his own bed. There was a thin layer of cold sweat making his shirt feel uncomfortable. The feeling of Dean’s skin on his was sticky, but it was warm and solid. He welcomed the contact and held tight to Dean with his good arm.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Shh… it’s okay buddy. I got you.” Dean slowly pulled Cas closer to his naked chest. He remembered Sam telling him that Cas had woken up asking for him after a bad nightmare. Dean felt the guilt and shame pooling in his stomach, but ignored it for Castiel’s sake.

 

Cas tried to work up the willpower to pull away, but Dean was warm and he needed him, despite his strong sense of pride. He let Dean cradle his head and Cas rested his forehead on Dean’s shoulder. Dean was rubbing Castiel’s shoulder gently, expecting Cas to fall asleep soon. He knew Dean hadn’t asked him to talk, but he needed to do it. 

 

“I was stuck in hell.” Cas began to describe his nightmare. “You were in the pit and I never saved you. Sam was chained inside the cage too and Lucifer was torturing him with hallucinations.” Cas took a deep breath. “My punishment was to see you two suffer for eternity. The demons figured out that there was nothing worse than my own mind to torture me with.” 

 

“But you saved us. We are here, and it’s all thanks to you, Cas.” Dean tightened his hold on Castiel and buried his face in his hair.

 

“They could have sent any other angel to save you from perdition.” Castiel refused to accept that he had done something good as angel. Everything he did had been a mistake. Mistakes that he could never forget.

 

“Perhaps,” Dean whispered. “I’m glad they didn’t. Sleep now, I’ll be here.” Dean laid back on the bed, still holding Cas. He ignored the pain from his back and made sure Cas was comfortable. Cas wasn’t able to fight now, he was far too warm to do so. He tried to shift his weight, only to have Dean pull him closer.

 

When he woke up, there was a pillow next him instead of a warm chest. He sat up groggily and heard the sound of the shower on. Sam wasn’t in his bed, so it had to be him. Cas stood up and felt like falling down to his knees when he saw Dean sleeping on the couch. It was obvious that he had been disgusted to be so close to him. Dean had probably just decided to sleep on the couch instead. Castiel felt like crying from the anger he was feeling. He wasn’t sure what the rejection meant, but it was obvious to him that he needed to leave the room.

 

He had failed to see Dean’s wet hair or the coffee cup waiting for him on his bedside table next to a bag of pastries.

* * *

 

Dean woke up feeling warm… too warm. He was actually covered in a thin layer of sweat and he felt sticky and gross, the covers were too suffocating, and the body next to him was sweating too and eww. Wait, what body? Ah, yes. Cas and him had shared a bed last night. 

 

He turned his head around to look at Castiel’s sleeping face. It was still a bit bizarre to see him sleeping so peacefully or sleeping at all. It was such a human gesture that Dean’s brain couldn’t accept it. Dean had always tried to distance himself from Cas and had used the idea of Castiel not being human to do so flawlessly. 

 

It was hard not to let himself think about Castiel as a person now that he was entirely human, with no chance of ever becoming an angel again; unless he stole some other angel’s grace and kept stealing it to keep himself juiced up. Dean sighed when he remembered their last skirmish to defeat the darkness, Lucifer, and get Cain into heaven’s jail to keep him from murdering the world. Cain was the easiest, he was simply overwhelmed by an army of angels and that was it. Lucifer was tricked again by the rings of the four horsemen. Amara was a different story. Cas had used up all his remaining grace as a nuclear bomb to explode the darkness from the inside.

 

He had let the darkness swallow up his grace and use it against her with the help of several spells. Sam and Dean had refused to let Cas go full kamikaze on her. They knew that Cas wouldn’t be able to survive that stunt. They still weren’t sure how or what happened exactly. They just saw a blinding light, heard them both screaming, felt pieces of Amara’s flesh fall to the ground after the soundless explosion, and saw Castiel lying cold in the ground.

 

Dean remembered it like it was yesterday.

 

He had almost passed out looking at the light, but he had refused to let his body betray him this time. He had checked on Sam first. Sam was trying not to throw up and blood was coming out of his ears. The energy blast had made them both feel sick immediately. Dean remembered getting stomach cancer from Zachariah; it had hurt the same way.

 

Dean had ignored his unease and crawled to the middle of the now empty field. Sam had screamed at him, but nothing was going to stop him from checking on Cas. If there was a chance, then he was sure as hell going to take it.

 

His legs had felt like rubber and he fell to the ground. He had clawed at the soil and dragged himself to the blast area. The crater was huge, all the trees vaporized. Dean had rolled his body to the center of the crater to check on Castiel’s pulse. Cas had been sprawled on his back with his arms outstretched. Wings were burnt into the ground, the smell of burning flesh clogged his nostrils and made his eyes tear up. 

 

Dean dragged himself forward until he could lay a hand on Cas. He had reached his cheek first and made an effort to touch his neck and feel for a pulse. Dean had gritted his teeth as he tried to lift his weight on one shaking arm. He then groaned because his fingers were shaking too much to be able to catch whatever faint heartbeat Castiel had left. Dean growled and crawled slowly until he was able to place his ear against Castiel’s chest.

 

“Dean! It’s over!” Sam had shouted, but Dean ignored him and closed his eyes.

 

He felt tired enough to die. He could have just laid there on top of Cas until death claimed his soul. He was sure that Billie the reaper would be looking down at him right this second. 

 

“Don’t take him away.” He had whispered into Castiel’s chest and choked on whatever he was going to say next. Dean closed his eyes and waited for something, anything.

 

Then, he heard it. It was faint, but he could also feel it. There was a pulse, but it was weak and then gone.

 

“Cas?” Dean asked. He screamed as he sat up, his bones felt broken and his internal organs wailed in agony with a burning ache. He placed his palms on Cas’ chest and started to do chest compressions. If his heart wasn’t strong enough, then Dean would help him out. He could do this. He could save Cas.

 

Sam had crawled up to where Dean was pushing at Castiel’s chest repeatedly. He motioned for Dean to move over and tested Cas’ pulse. His pulse was getting stronger and Cas was starting to look less cold and pale. Dean hadn’t even realized that Cas had looked like snow white until he had started to slowly pink up.

 

“Dean, I think he is gonna be okay.” Sam had whispered.

 

“Yeah?” Dean croaked out in response.

 

“Yeah, let’s call an ambulance.”

 

“I have a better idea.”

 

Dean prayed to the angels. He prayed until his throat was raw and tears of desperation and exhaustion trailed down his cheeks. When he looked up, he saw an entire army of angels surrounding the crater. They were all looking down at them, but none moved.

 

“Everything will be better now, Dean Winchester.” One of the angels in a male vessel spoke, his low baritone setting the brothers at ease.

 

“There’s nothing we can do about our brother’s grace.” A female angel spoke. She knelt down and pressed two fingers against Castiel’s forehead. “He will wake up in a day, his vessel- body is too...” she obviously hesitated to say her next words.

 

“Fucked up?”

 

“I was going to say taxed, but sure. You can say that about it.” The angel stood up.

 

“Him, Cas is not an it.” Dean glared at the female angel who blinked.

 

“My apologies.” She nodded in an apologetic gesture. The rest of the angels stared holes at the back of Dean’s head. He was glaring at a powerful being while he was covered in blood and grime. He was ready to fight her despite the way he held an arm to his bruised and probably broken ribs. Dean wasn’t thinking clearly, his brain just screamed “threat” and his hand was already inching towards Castiel’s angel blade.

 

“Take care of our brother, Dean Winchester.” A third angel spoke behind them. He had a chubby, white, curly haired guy for a vessel. Dean couldn’t help but feel like this guy meant no harm at all.

 

“We will.” Sam had answered before passing out and falling next to Cas on the ground.

 

“Sam! Sammy!” Dean used the last of his strength to crawl to the space between Cas and Sam. He looked at both of them before setting a dirty hand on Sam’s neck and checking for a pulse. He did the same to Cas and then sighed in relief. The angels watched every single move he made. Dean had felt like a science experiment. He sighed in discomfort and tried not to pass out like his brother.

 

“We will heal you and your brother.” The first angel spoke.

 

“You’ll need time to let the radiation from the blast to leave your body.” The female angel spoke. 

 

“You’ll know when it’s gone.” Added a fourth angel. Dean was too tired to look at him, instead he focused on Castiel’s and Sam’s sleeping faces.

 

“Is he gonna be okay?” Dean croaked out.

 

“You are really that selfless?” Asked yet another female angel. Her tone was the perfect sassy mix between surprise and disgust. Dean snorted. 

 

“Just give them both time to rest.” Another angel said. Dean didn’t even try to look up; there were simply too many angels. He nodded before passing out and waking up at the bunker sharing Sam’s bed with Sam and Cas.

 

“Fucking angels.” He had murmured with a grin. “Thank you, guys.” He prayed before passing out again between Sam and Cas. He was finally home and everything was okay.

 

Dean chuckled at his own memory and looked at Cas once again. His lips were slightly parted and his hair was a dark mess. He smiled tenderly and reached over to comb his fingers through Castiel’s hair. He gulped and slowly removed his fingers when he realized what he was doing.

 

Yes, Cas had a different aura now that he was human. He was suddenly approachable and Dean just couldn’t help himself. His humanity had been the one and only thing that could break Dean’s mental dam. Every thought about truly befriending Cas and treating him normally was flowing freely all through his nervous system and making Dean shiver with excitement. 

 

There were so many things he could do with Cas. He could show him so many places and force him to eat so many things just to find out what he liked. He remembered Sam feeding him pickles once and Cas frowning at the thing like it had personally offended him. Dean hadn’t laughed so hard in a long time.

 

That had been during the resting period they had taken after the grace bomb. No one talked about it. No one spoke about wings, even though Dean was itching to ask Cas about it. Cas had been confused when he woke up sharing a bed with Sam and Dean. 

 

“Is this heaven?” He had asked Dean who had woken up a couple of minutes before Cas did.

 

“How could this be heaven?” Dean had pointed at the bunker with a frown and Cas had shrugged. Dean hadn’t realized yet that the bunker was really Castiel’s idea of heaven on Earth. 

 

Dean sighed at the old memory and slowly analyzed his current situation. Cas was holding his shoulder  in a death grip and had thrown a leg over Dean’s. It explained why Dean was sweating like a pig. Cas was like furnace pressed against his side and it wasn’t as comfortable as it sounded.

 

He tried not to smile, or worse: lean against Cas. Dean couldn’t let that happen. Cas didn’t deserved to be treated so badly, he deserved better than Dean. With that thought in mind, Dean slowly and gently removed himself from Castiel’s embrace. He immediately missed the warmth and wanted nothing else than to crawl back in there and just hug the shit out Cas.

 

Cas mumbled something incoherent and frowned. He grabbed Dean’s pillow and curled around it like a snake. Castiel’s cheeks were pressed against the pillow and his lips formed a pout. Dean tilted his head and couldn’t help it but smile.

 

“Can’t do this.” Dean shook his head and walked to the bathroom. He took a shower and then headed out to get some breakfast and a coffee for Cas. When he came back, Sam was awake.

 

“Morning, Dean.” Sam smiled and saw Dean place one of the paper bags on a table.

 

“Morning,” Dean lifted the paper bags and the coffee, “brought breakfast.” He set the coffee next to Cas’ bed. “Don’t you dare touch this.” He pointed at the coffee and the remaining paper bag on his hand. Sam nodded with a smile that Dean ignored. 

 

“Sure thing.” Sam’s tone was filled with teasing and his eyes shone with mischief.

 

“Shut the fuck up and take a shower. You smell like a vampire.” Dean hissed, trying not to wake Cas up. Sam raised an eyebrow and smelled his arm pit.

 

“Hmm… I really do smell like a vampire.” He mused.

 

“Fuck off.” Dean grabbed a pillow from the couch and threw it at Sam. It hit him square in the face. Sam glared and then stomped towards the bathroom while mumbling curses. Dean sighed and lifted the pillow from the floor and took a seat on the couch.

  
If only he hadn’t fallen asleep, then perhaps he would have been able to stop Cas from leaving.


	16. “Estranged” - Guns 'n Roses

A wet towel was violently thrown at Dean’s face to wake him up. He sat up abruptly and wildly looked around the room in search for monsters. He even stood up and jumped to his feet in a fighting position while Sam just glared at him- though it was diminished by the fact that he was only wearing a towel.

 

“Dean? Where’s Cas?” Sam walked towards Dean and placed a hand on the top of his head to make him focus.

 

“Huh?” Dean frowned at Sam. “He was just-” He turned around and saw the empty bed along with the untouched breakfast on the table. “What the-” Dean frowned and looked around the room. “His shit is gone.”

 

“Dean?” Sam called his attention to the table. “Look.” He pointed at the key room they had given Cas yesterday on the floor. Dean felt his body go cold with fear.

 

“Did he…?”

 

“Leave? Yeah, I think you finally did it.” Sam picked up his duffel bag and fished out a shirt and some boxers. “This is what you wanted, wasn’t it?” Sam said in an eerie calmness.

 

“I… I wouldn't use the word “wanted” so freely.” Dean whispered to himself. Sam wasn’t able to hear it. “I’m gonna give him a call.”

 

Cas didn’t answer his phone. Not even when Sam called him instead of Dean. After thirty missed calls, they decided to give Cas some space. The brothers stayed in the same motel room in case Cas came back. They didn't call Cas again and tried to stay relaxed.

 

It lasted a day. On Tuesday, Dean started up Sam’s laptop and tracked Castiel’s GPS on his phone. He found Cas in a motel a state over. He couldn’t help but be impressed at the distance.

 

“You found him?” Sam asked from his spot in the bed.

 

“Unless he gave his phone to someone else… then yes.” Dean nodded. He was looking at Sam in search for any sort of worry or anger. He found nothing, so much that his expression reminded him of soulless Sam.

 

“Where?” Sam asked in a monotonous tone.

 

“Nebraska.”

 

“Wow that was fast.” Sam shrugged. It irked Dean how at ease he looked. “Looks like he couldn’t wait to get away from us.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean bit his lower lip.

 

This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? Sam had said so himself. This was great. Cas would finally get a life away from hunting and perhaps even a nice girl. This is what Dean wanted for Cas… wasn’t it?

 

“Dammit.” Dean slammed the laptop shut and walked over to grab his phone. He picked it up and sent Cas a message.

 

[Message from Dean: 09:38 AM]

Hey Cas. At least tell me that you are okay.

 

There was no response. He tried calling him twice and he kept at it for the entire day. Dean’s calls were always ignored. He continued calling until he picked up Sam’s phone and sent him a text.

 

[Message from Sam: 10:45 PM]

 

Cas, you okay?

 

[Message from Castiel to Sam: 10:58 PM]

 

I’m fine.

 

Dean gasped in relief and anger, then he picked up his phone and sent a text message to Cas.

 

[Message from Dean: 10:59 PM]

 

At least I know who the favorite Winchester is.

 

Dean didn’t know why he sent that text message. He had already known that Sam was his favorite after the Djinn incident. It was kinda obvious judging by the way Cas avoided him and followed Sam around like a baby duck. It was something that made him beyond furious, but he had never really acted on it. Dean grabbed his keys and took off. He found a liquor store and bought some beers along with some Jack Daniel’s. He came back to the motel, drank more than half a bottle of Jack on an empty stomach and passed out on the couch while Sam was out looking for dinner.

 

In the morning, Dean tried to search for him using his GPS again, but was unable to find anything. Dean ignored his hangover and texted Cas.

 

[Message from Dean: 10:07 AM]

Where the fuck are you? And what the fucking hell did u do to ur phone GPS

 

[Message from Castiel: 10:20 AM]

I turned it off.

 

[Message from Dean: 10:21 AM]

CAS! WHERE ARE YOU?!

 

[Message from Dean: 10:25 AM]

CAS! Don’t ignore me. I’ll use a tracking spell if I have to!

 

[Message from Dean: 10:32 AM]

CAS!

 

[Message from Dean: 10:45 AM]

Cas, please… just say something.

 

[Message from Dean: 11:12 AM]

Okay then, I’ll leave you alone if you want me to.

 

No response. Dean almost crushed his phone between his hands.

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel knew how to hide. He had been forced to learn when he was on the run from heaven and hell without the Winchester's aid. Still, it was not like he didn't want to be found; just not yet. He needed time away from the brothers. Specially Dean, who seemed to be on opposites.  
  
Dean.  
  
He was... he was just so Dean sometimes. Caring, gentle, righteous, brave, sweet, sometimes he worries too much, and so he tries his best to be useful.  He was also handsome, and pretty (not that he would ever agree to any of this). Dean was sometimes just that: himself. Full of random pop culture knowledge and an amazing music taste. Dean was also kind of an ass, but that was how the hunting life had forged him: a volatile person with a strong moral compass.  
  
Castiel was 100% sure that his personal heaven would have Dean driving his car, Dean at the bunker, in a random motel, in a park, or walking through the woods or sitting at the doc in the lake near the bunker. Cas also had a fond memory of the lake he had visited in one of Dean's dreams. The water had looked so peaceful. The sun rays of a bright bronze color had reflected on the water and trees making the setting warmer than what it felt. He remembered Dean sitting in his chair with a fishing rod in one hand and a beer in the other looking out at the lake with a smile, like he could do it all day. Castiel sometimes dreamt of being in that lake. It was the only dream that never made him feel suffocated or confused with his surroundings. It was obviously not real and the idea calmed him enough to allow him to have a peaceful sleep.  
  
"Single room, please." Castiel slapped some cash along with some random IDs Sam had made for him. He did so with perhaps a bit too much force and his low voice probably didn't help on the matter, because the teenager jumped.  
  
"One night?" Asked the teenager behind the front desk, he looked nervous and uncomfortable with Cas; perhaps even intimidated.  
  
"Make it five." Castiel knew he looked tired, perhaps it was the reason why the teenager felt uncomfortable with him.  
  
"Okay, sir." The teen worked fast and gave him the key to his room along with his change. "Room 215 on the second floor, the pool is-"  
  
"Thank you." Cas didn't wait for the kid to finish and turned around with his duffle bag on his shoulder.  
  
Castiel scratched his cheek in a lazy gesture and sighed with relief when he found his door. His stubble was beginning to feel slightly itchy and uncomfortable. He entered his room quickly and collapsed on his bed. Castiel sighed again, took off his shoes and fell asleep.  
  
The next day he refused to get out of bed until hunger forced him to go find a diner. He barely ate the French fries he ordered. He didn't get up at all for the next day. The one time he did get up was to pee and drink some water. Then it was just him brooding in bed.  
  
Castiel could do this. He could be alone. He could be independent. He could get a job that he didn't hate and make some money to buy himself more food, or to at least keep the motel room, or maybe even rent a one-room apartment. He would take a bus to another state and that would be the beginning of a new life. His phone had a thousand unread text messages from Dean. Cas stood up from his bed and picked up his phone. He walked outside his room and hurled it across the empty parking lot. He stared at the broken pieces and took a deep breath. He had officially cut off any communication with the Winchesters.

 

* * *

 

 

They didn’t hear from Cas for an entire month. Dean spent the whole time holed up in the bunker in case Cas decided to make an appearance. There were days in which he wanted to do a tracking spell and go kick his ass for leaving. Sam, aka the voice of reason, always told him to calm down and give Cas some space. Sam gave Dean a task on the third week of nothingness. He told Dean to take care of the woods behind the bunker.

 

“Why would I want to turn into a fucking park ranger?” Dean shouted and attempted to walk away from Sam.

 

“Cas and I were working on it, Dean.” Dean visibly flinched and stopped walking. Sam sighed and picked a book from the bookcase and handed it to Dean by hitting him in the chest with it. Dean glared at Sam and reluctantly grabbed the book. “All you need to know is in here. I made some notes, and the sigils that we already placed have a yellow post-it note on them.” Sam stepped away from Dean. “Don’t ruin the book, it’s old.” Sam crossed his arms and glared at Dean.

 

“Like hell am doin’ this.” Dean placed the book on the table and headed to the garage. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be doing something useful instead.”

 

Sam sighed.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean gave up and picked up the book by Sunday. He decided to check out what Sam and Cas had been working on. He was actually quite impressed by what he read in the book. Dean shook his head and smiled at the notes written on several post-it notes. Some were made by Sam, but most of them were written in Castiel’s fine handwriting. Cas had marked the sigils he wanted to place and exactly how and where to place them. It was just a matter of actually doing it.

 

Anybody could do this, and he was bored. Dean shrugged and picked up his boots and jacket. He also picked his gun, a knife, and one of those small gardening shovels. He had bought it for Cas before the djinn incident. Cas had been watching too many gardening shows and staring at gardening supplies with a longing that Dean hated.

 

Dean smiled sadly at the tiny shovel.

 

Working on the forest was kinda like yoga, but useful. There were a lot of birds and several other small animals living in the woods. It was impressive, Dean had visited the woods before the sigils had been placed, and he had never seen it look so alive. It looked like a fairytale forest. There were even some orchids growing on the tree trunks. He had been pretty sure the weather was too cold for them, but perhaps Cas had done something to keep them alive.

 

The forest reminded him of Cas with every step he took. It had some signs made by Sam here and there, but it was mostly Cas he saw in the nature.

* * *

 

 

Wyoming was colder than he expected, perhaps he should have stayed in Nebraska instead. Castiel wore Dean’s jacket over one of his own hoodies, which was layered over a random T-shirt. He had braved worse weather when he was an angel. Of course, his human body perceived weather in a different way. It would have been fine and totally acceptable it weren't for the freaking rain that hit him face first the moment he stepped out of the diner. He ran while trying to cover himself with the neck of Dean’s jacket. The water would only ruin the leather and make it smelly. Cas had to run three blocks to his motel, which wasn’t really that far, except the freezing rain hitting his face made the short run feel like a marathon. Cas had never missed his wings so much.

 

He would have been fine it wasn’t for the lady he accidentally shoved when she appeared out of the blue. She was about to fall, and so his first instinct was to hold her arm. He pulled her towards him, but she lost her balance anyway and fell on top of him. Cas was too surprised to react correctly and they both fell down awkwardly.

 

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry, sir.” The lady tried to stand up, but Castiel was still holding her arm in a death grip.

 

“Why are you apologizing? It wasn’t your fault.” Cas realized what he was doing and helped her stand up.

 

“Thanks.” She smiled. “I’m Suzy.” She held out her hand for him.

 

“Benjamin, nice to meet you.” Cas shook her hand and squinted under the rain to look at her. The woman smiled sweetly. She had bushy brown hair and was taller than him in her high heels. He couldn’t help but notice that she was quite beautiful.

 

“Come in, the rain is a bitch.” She pushed him inside the building.

 

Ok, not so sweet after all.

 

Suzy dragged Cas inside what looked like a small clinic. Judging by the several dogs and cats on the posters and other decorations, he guessed it was a veterinary clinic.

 

“Fucking rain came from out of the blue.” Suzy lead Cas inside the vet to her office with a hand gesture. “I have some towels over here. Don’t ask me why I need so many of them.” Suzy opened a closet inside her office and picked a couple of white fluffy towels. She threw one towards Cas.

 

“Thank you.” Cas nodded and Suzy grinned.

 

“Cool jacket, Ben.” Suzy smiled. “Want to hang it until the rain goes away? I know leather jackets can be a hell of a job to take care of.” Truth was, Cas had no idea. He handed over his jacket and Suzy placed it on a hanger inside the closet.

 

“Thanks again.” Cas liked Suzy for some reason.

 

“Anyway, I’m sorry I kinda dragged you in, but I didn’t want you to stay out there in the rain without an umbrella, but if you actually have somewhere to go then be my guest.” Suzy bent over so that her hair could drip easily on the floor. She used the towel to violently shake the excess water from her hair. Cas imagined that she treated dogs the same way. Suzy wrapped her hair in the wet towel and stood back up. “Sorry you had to see that.” She let out a sigh of relief and placed her hands on her hips.

 

“I don’t mind.” Cas placed the towel around his neck in hopes to get the collar of his hoodie dry somehow. He wasn’t sure if it would help.

“Gosh what time is it?” She got out her phone from her back pocket. It was a bit wet, but it seemed work just fine. “Ten minutes until opening time, great.” Suzy smiled to herself and placed her phone on her desk.

 

“Opening time?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m currently out of assistants so I have to do all the work by myself. I need a pair of extra hands over here.”

 

That’s how he found himself working with a vet.

………………

 

“Sam, get your stuff!” Dean shouted and knocked on Sam’s bedroom door. “We leave in ten!”

 

Sam dropped the book he was reading and looked up. He quickly ran to the door and opened it as quickly as he could muster before Dean could leave.

 

“Dean!” He shouted at Dean who was turning the corner. “Where are we going?”

 

Dean turned around. “Minnesota,” he answered with a frown, like he expected Sam to know that. “There’s a vampire’s nest I want to take care of and an auction I want to see.” Dean turned around and started to leave.

 

“Auction?” Sam asked, but Dean was already gone. “Dean! What auction?” He shouted, but Dean didn’t turn. “Jerk!”

 

“I heard that, Bitch!” Dean shouted from down the hall.

 

Sam shook his head. He was glad that Dean was finally going outside for anything that wasn’t a necessity. Dean had been so obsessed with staying at the bunker in case Cas came back that it had turned into something worse than an obsession. Sam sighed and went to pack his stuff. This probably meant that Dean was getting over the whole Cas thing. He wasn’t sure whether to be happy or upset.

 

Healing was a hard process, and sometimes it meant leaving behind a broken piece of you.

 

* * *

 

 

Taking care of an animal was nothing like he had expected it to be. They were even more helpless than humans. They had to trust a higher power with their wellbeing, just like humans with the angels, and the angels to a God who didn’t care. Two months of working at the vet had both relaxed him and stressed him. Dealing with animals was way easier than humans. He had mentioned that to Suzy and she had agreed full heartedly.

 

“That’s my motto, Ben.” Suzy had smiled at him. “Dogs before douche bags.”

 

Suzy was really nice to him. She thought he was a bit odd, but liked him nevertheless. Marley, the new assistant liked him enough. Suzy always called him “Marley and Me” for some reason. Castiel remember that it was a movie, but Dean had refused to let him see it. Sam had tried to force him to do so as it was one of the only movies Metatron hadn’t crammed into his brain. Dean had almost killed Sam with the strength of his chokehold.

 

A Chihuahua had tried to attack Marley and he had been forced to intervene. The poor thing had a broken leg and was really scared of his surroundings. Castiel petted the dog to calm him down and Marley had left with an annoyed grunt.

 

“Relax Taco.” He ordered Taco the Chihuahua. “There was a time I could have mended your bones seamlessly with just a touch.” Cas petted his head and the dog relaxed slowly. It was really stressful to be around so many of God's creations and feeling more powerless than ever.

 

“You are really good with them.” Suzy mentioned while bringing in another dog. This one looked healthy, so it looked like a normal checkup. The young owner was following Suzy with a relaxed attitude that reinforced Castiel’s theory.

 

“I try.” Cas smiled.

 

* * *

 

It was time to close shop. The new assistant had left a while ago and Cas had decided to stay back with Susy to clean up. It had been a busy day and he was feeling exhausted.

 

“Ben, is the OR clean?” Suzy asked. It was something that she usually did herself, but she trusted Cas with it.

 

“Yes, I'm done.” He exited said room and closed the door behind him.

 

“Then we are good to go!” Suzy grinned and started heading out. She opened the door and a shocked teenager barged into the clinic while holding something white in her arms. “What the...?”

 

“Please help him! I hit him with my car and I don't know what to do!” The blonde girl had a bit of blood on her cheek and Cas could hear the dog whining under his blanket.

 

“Is he yours?” Suzy motioned for Castiel to follow them to the OR and prepare for surgery. It was normally a job for a nurse and an anesthesiologist, but there was no time.

 

“No, I found him on the corner of 5th street.” The girl lowered the dog on the table when Suzy told her to and Cas placed a hand on the teenager's shoulder.

 

“Well, he is going to need someone after the surgery and this is the least you can do for him.” Suzy scolded the girl who nodded.

 

“I'll take care of him.”

 

"Alright, I'll need you to wait outside. Ben, help me with this.” Suzy started to work.

 

…………………

 

“Be back later, Sam.” Dean grabbed his jacket from the back of a chair and nodded at Sam who was sitting on his bed with his laptop. “Bye.” He picked his keys and headed out.

 

“Dean, where are you going?” Sam stood up as quickly as he able to and followed Dean to the Impala.

 

“To the auction, duh.” Dean made a face and got into the car without looking back at Sam. It was obvious that he didn’t want to take Sam with hi.

 

“What are you even going to buy?” Sam asked with a frown, leaning against the car and preventing Dean from closing the door.

 

“I’m getting a Buick.” Dean announced and pushed Sam away to close the door.

 

“A what?” Sam asked.

 

“Bye, Sam.” Dean winked at him. He started the engine and slowly drove away.

 

“Why are you being so cryptic!” Sam shouted, but Dean was already waving at him through the car window.

 

……………

 

“I’m back!” Dean came back around 6pm, slammed the door open with a grin and waited for Sam to react.

 

Sam jumped out of his chair and ran outside. Dean grinned and followed Sam out.

 

“Isn’t she a beauty?” Dean asked with a grin.

 

“What… is… that?” Sam gawked at the “beauty” that was on resting on a car trailer behind the Impala. It was a really old car. It was so rusty that Sam couldn’t tell if the original color had been black or red. It was missing the front bumper and two windows. It had a busted headlight and the hood looked dented in the side. He could see the crappy seats on the inside and he didn’t even want to check out the engine.

 

“‘71 Buick Gran Sport.” Dean grinned and slapped Sam on the back with a grin. “Come look at her.” Dean basically dragged Sam towards the car and opened the hood with a horrible sound. Sam flinched away from the car and tried not to look. Dean saw him trying to squirm away, but he pulled his hair to get his attention.

 

“Hmm” Sam hummed. “It’s not that bad.” It probably wouldn’t be able to actually be used by a human being, but the engine wasn’t in such a bad state. It didn’t look like it had any missing parts, and it seemed like someone had at least tried to fix it a while ago. “Why did you buy it?”

 

“I need a hobby for when we are not hunting, Sam.” Dean shrugged. “I’m gonna fix the Aston Martin sitting in the bunkers garage and I’m gonna fix this baby right up next.” Dean grinned and closed the hood.

 

“You could always do research.” Sam teased. He was trying to ignore that Dean was planning on having two working cars besides the Impala. Dean looked damned sure that Cas was going to come back and need a car.

 

“Yeah, no thanks.” Dean patted Sam in the back and turned around.

 

* * *

 

 

“I can't do this anymore. I can't keep telling myself that I'm fine and just live life with blind optimism when everything points to the opposite.” Cas violently took off his bloody scrubs. He felt the rush of anxiety cool his blood, making him feel like tiny insects ran across his veins. He was itching to just to do something, but nothing helped.

 

“Ben?” Suzy asked, she had already washed her hands and she was worried about Cas.

 

“I just wish I could’ve done more, you know?” Cas looked down at his hands. They were filthy with blood, dirt, and fur. He was tainted on the outside just as he was on the inside.

 

“Ben, we tried our best.” Suzy placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a reassuring squeeze. “Come here, wash your hands.” She slowly led him to the sink and helped him to wash his own hands. Castiel was in a shocked state. He kept staring at his hands like they weren’t his. “Hey, it’s alright.”

 

“No, it’s not.” Cas whispered.

 

They remained silent until Suzy broke the silence with caution.

 

“Hey, Ben.” Suzy smiled at him reassuringly and rubbed his shoulders. “Why don’t you take a break? Maybe a road trip or something. There are some awesome places to see here in Wyoming.” Suzy grinned, but Cas didn’t react. “... or how about visiting that ex-boyfriend of yours? I think it’s time to get your stuff back from his place.”

 

“He wasn’t my boyfriend.” Cas snapped and turned to look at her. The water was still running freely, so Suzy reached over to close the sink. He had told Suzy about Sam and Dean, how he had always been there for them and how they had just let him down again and again. It felt cathartic to tell her most of his problems. It gave him a chance to organize his thoughts. “Either way, it’s not like I have a place yet.”

 

“Why? Do you have big furniture to haul back here?” Suzy lifted an eyebrow.

 

“Uhh.. no?” Cas sounded confused. He didn’t have furniture.

 

“So what? Are you going to be afraid of your ex for your entire life? Nuh uh, ain’t nobody got time for that!” Cas lifted an eyebrow. “You sir, are going to haul ass to Kansas, barge into that place and pack your stuff.”

 

“He’s not my ex.” Cas answered weakly with a stutter and a frown.

 

“Dude, the way you talk about that boy? He might as well be your ex-husband that you met in high school or some shit.” She pursed her lips. “From what I understand, he treated you badly this last year and you shouldn’t put up with that. Show him that you’ve got balls!” Cas raised an eyebrow. “You are going to go down there and show him who is boss. Don’t take any of his shit, you hear me? You are stronger than you think and you deserve better. Now, go out there, take a nap, and then head out to Kansas. Don’t show him any weakness, and don’t let him make you stay.”

 

“Uhh… I’ll think about it.” He mumbled with insecurity. Cas wasn't sure if he was ready to take that step yet. He was torn between wanting to see Dean and not seeing him ever again. In that moment he decided not to see him again until he was sure that nothing would make him stay with him.

 

“Well, if you choose not to go, I was planning on taking a hike through the woods with Sharpay. You should come with us.” Suzy smiled sweetly, a completely different expression from the fierce frown she had earlier. Sharpay was her pitbull.

 

“I’ll be there,” Cas smiled.

  
Suzy frowned again, knowing that Cas (or “Ben” as she knew him) wouldn't go to Kansas.


	17. “Angel Eyes” - Jeff Healey Band

Sam had taken advantage of Dean’s down time to catch up on his research. It had been four months since Cas disappeared and two since Dean bought himself a hobby. The car didn't look much better yet and Dean hadn’t stepped out of the bunker except to visit the woods or to get food. Dean's hermit mode was starting to make Sam anxious.

 

On Sunday morning, while Dean was gone, he used a tracking spell on Cas. It was the only way he could think of to get Dean out of his obsessive state. This looked like a bad breakup, without the breakup or the relationship, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. Sam just wanted Dean to be happy, and Cas made him happy; which meant that Sam was happy, and it would be easier to keep an eye on both of them if they were in the same place. He also wanted Cas to be safe and happy and Dean could cover both areas easily.

 

Sam chanted the spell, and set fire to the map. He looked down at what was left of the burning map and raised his eyebrows. He was slightly surprised that such a basic spell had worked on Cas, but he didn’t give it much thought.

 

“Wyoming?” He picked up the piece of paper and smiled. “Looks like you didn’t want to go too far, huh?” Sam grinned and pocketed the scrap of burnt paper.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean woke up at five in the morning. He went out to the woods to check on Castiel’s warding like he did every Sunday. He checked the depth of the sigils carved into the trees, and he made sure none of the trees had healed enough to erase the carvings. It was easy, it was relaxing, and to top it off he always worked on the Impala or the other cars afterwards.

 

“Hey Dean! I’m going out!” Sam called when he saw Dean enter the bunker through the front door.

 

“Where are you going?” Dean asked suspiciously, removing his working globes and pocketing them.

 

“I want to do a spell and I need a few ingredients, found someone in Wyoming that can help.” Sam smiled, hoping it would make Dean relax.

 

“Want me to come with you? It’s a bit far from here.” Dean offered. He didn’t even want to know about the spell. He trusted Sam not to do anything serious without him.

 

“Nah, I’ll be back before you know it. Besides I wanted to take the old Aston you fixed.” Sam grinned and did a little jump because he couldn't contain his excitement.

 

“You just want to feel like James Bond with that DB4, don’t cha?” Dean grinned. He absent mindedly wiped some dirt from his face with his sleeve. Sam chuckled.

 

“Maybe,” Sam shrugged. “Do you really want to come with me?” Sam tried not to look too excited.

 

“Not really, I’ve been working on that old Buick and Dorothy's bike needs a checkup. Probably gonna take her out for a ride to town later.” What he didn’t say is that he wanted to be there in case Cas showed up. He would drive the bike around town to keep an eye out for Cas without the Impala. It would be too obvious, and Cas would hear him coming from miles.

 

“Okay then, see ya.” Sam smiled and waved.

 

“See ya.” Dean waved back. “Call me when you get there! Wyoming isn’t really that close, you know?” Dean shouted.

 

“Yes, mom.” Sam teased and took off running. Dean shook his head and followed after him.

 

The Aston Martin DB4 was a thing of beauty. This one had probably been the last car that the men of letters had parked in the bunker. This DB4 was the first on the series and it was beautiful. Dean had worked on it for months and now it purred like a baby. Sam guessed it had been their grandfather’s, but Dean sincerely doubted that he could’ve gotten his hands on a model so new and expensive like this one. It had been first released around ‘58, the same year that the Men of Letters’ massacre occurred.

 

Sam grinned as he sat down behind the wheel. He saw Dean coming into the garage, still filthy with dirt. He waved at Dean with a smile on his face. Dean rolled his eyes and waved reluctantly. He opened the garage door for him and Sam took off while waving.

 

Dean shook his head. Sam was pushing the Aston too much, he had worked too hard on it to have his dumbass little brother fuck up all his work in one ride. He sighed and started to work on the Buick. It was really old and half the parts were rusty. The Aston had been in a better state. He started to take note of the useless parts and removing them completely. He placed them on the freed parking space next to the car and cracked his knuckles.

 

It took him two hours to become bored of the Buick. Then, he started working on baby. The Impala just needed some oil here and there and he made a mental note to change the brakes next month.

 

Dorothy’s bike was a bitch to work on. The first thing he did was check the oil and it somehow found its way to the front of his shirt and face. He tried wiping it off with a rag but it was no use. Motor oil was the worst thing to get off your skin. His shirt was definitely ruined forever. There was no hope for it.

 

He kept working on the bike anyway until he was sure it was safe to drive. He really wanted to take it out for a ride.

 

“I’m disgusting.” He mumbled to himself. It was lunch hour and he needed a shower desperately. He smelled like trees, wet dirt, sweat, motor oil, leather, and that musky “haven’t showered yet” smell that he hated. Despite his smell, he went to the kitchen first and started to defrost the meat he was going to use to make burgers with.

 

He crossed the war room and headed to the library to place Castiel’s book in the right spot. He was almost done with the sigils. Some of them needed a specific time of the year to place them, so he never really finished with the work. He didn’t know which other sigils Cas wanted, and the book was practically in Enochian; therefore Dean wasn’t going to be able to read it.

 

He heard Sam opening the main entrance to the bunker and walk down the metal stairs. Dean made a face and went out to tease him.

 

“Woah there, James Bond! You weren’t even gone for three hours. Did you fuck up the Aston?” Dean shouted from across the bunker.

 

“I’m not Sam.” It was Cas, it was obvious if you took into account the ridiculously low voice. 

 

Dean stopped dead in his tracks and paled. Cas looked haggard and tired, he was carrying a duffel bag on his shoulder and was wearing Dean’s leather jacket. He was slowly walking down the stairs in his stiff yet regal manner. Dean realized how much he had missed him.

 

“Cas? Is that you?” Was the only thing he managed to say.

 

“I came here to retrieve my personal items.” Cas frowned. “Why are you covered in dirt and oil?”

 

“I was out in the woods and then I worked a bit on the garage.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck in an awkward gesture. “I got an old 1971 Buick Gran Sport and I'm restoring her… I uhh… I was thinking of painting it yellow, but I’m still not quite sure. It’s a really manly car and it would be a shame to make it look like a chicken. I believe it was originally black, it would look great next to the Impala. What do you think?” Dean looked up at Cas shyly.

 

Dean gulped when Cas didn’t say anything. The silent treatment had never made him feel so uncomfortable. He usually knew what Cas was thinking so it never really bothered him;  but right now he didn’t know anything. Cas looked cold and distant, he had the face of an angel; the smitey kind, not the top-of-a-Christmas-tree kind.

 

“I’ll just take my things then.” Cas headed towards the hall that lead to his room. Dean freaked out and held him back by the hand. He didn’t want to get oil on Castiel’s leather jacket and so he had grabbed the only available skin. “What?” Cas snapped.

 

“Sorry for that.” Dean released his hand and Cas felt something sticky on his fingers. “It’s just oil, dude, it won’t kill you.”

 

Cas glared at his dirty hand. “Dean, I-”

 

“I hated your last car.” Dean finally sputtered out.

 

“What?”

 

“It was really ugly and it was even worse to drive it. The engine was terrible and it was too low to be comfortable. It was a shitty pimp ride.” Dean shrugged.

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Cas frowned in confusion and anger; he loved that car. Cas didn’t realize that he had stopped himself from following his original path to his room.

 

“Do you like yellow cars?” Dean asked instead, ignoring his question. He knew he was looking desperate and crazy. He was about ready to just place the bunker under lockdown to keep Cas from leaving.

 

“Dean, why is this relevant?” Cas frowned even more. He looked down at his fingers and was about to wipe his hands on his jeans before he stopped. Cas groaned and glared at Dean.

 

“Here,” Dean gave him the rag he had used earlier. “Do you like yellow cars? What’s you favorite color.”

 

“Green,” the color of nature, of life, of Dean’s eyes. “Why are you asking me this?”

 

“Do you want me to paint the Buick green? I could go for toxic green, it would look great.” Dean smiled nervously and scratched his forearm.

 

“Why?” Cas grabbed Dean’s hand before he would injure his own skin. Dean was silently grateful. “Dean what’s going on? I’m only here to pick up my stuff, and I’m leaving. My bus ride leaves at four.”

 

“Do you like to take the bus?”

 

“I preferred to drive, but my car disappeared a few months ago. Why are you talking about this? I’m not staying here, Dean. I was actually hoping you wouldn’t be here when I arrived.” Cas sighed and took a couple steps towards his room. Dean stopped him again by hauling him back by the hand. “Stop doing that.” Cas glared at the oil on his fingers.

 

“No.” Dean refused. He knew he was losing Cas. Dean impulsively touched Castiel’s chin and neck to spread oil over his skin. “Now shut up and listen.” Dean took a deep breath while Cas tried to clean himself. He would never remove the oil without soap and Dean knew that. “I got the Buick on an auction, no one wanted her because she looked like shit. She’s powerful and beautiful. I’m fixing her up for you Cas.” Dean saw that Cas was staying silent and sighed. “I lied about searching for your car. Sam tried, but I didn’t move a finger and I’m not even sorry.” Dean shrugged and looked at Cas who looked ready to bolt either because he was surprised or angry. Dean couldn’t tell.

 

“Dean, why are you telling me this?” Cas sounded angry instead of pleased. Dean freaked out again.

 

“Because I want you to stay with us.” Dean said without realizing it. “We missed you. I- I missed you.” Dean pleaded with his eyes, knowing that Cas found his eyes appealing. It had been so difficult to say the last phrase, it was something he hadn’t allowed himself to think.

 

“Dean-” Cas shook his head.

 

“No. Shut up. Please stay, you can stay at least until you’ve got shit figured out. We literally have a hundred rooms in here.” Dean pointed at the offending hall. ”What’s more important, you have your own room in here.”

 

“Dean-” Cas tried again.

 

“Where are you staying?” Dean decided to throw him off with a question.

 

“What?” Cas frowned.

 

“Where are you staying? I know you had a rough time last time… it was my fault for letting you go alone. I never apologized for that.” Dean grimaced.

 

“Dean, it wasn’t your fault.” Cas’ eyes softened and Dean hated how he was always ready to comfort him.

 

“It was my fault. What I did with Gadreel was not okay.” Dean shook his head. “I kicked you out of the bunker without thinking because I was too worried about Sam. Talk about horrible friends.”

 

“I never blamed you for it.” Cas shrugged.

 

“I know you don’t. Doesn’t mean I don’t blame myself.” A pause in which neither said anything.Cas knew he would never stop Dean from blaming himself for things he had no control over.  “Please stay with us for a lil’ while. You could wait until I finish up your Buick. Sam can help you get some new IDs and a security number to get a job and- and- I don’t know, okay? I just want you to stay!”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay?” It was Dean’s time to frown.

 

“It denotes approval”

 

“I know what it denotes!” Dean snapped with an ugly grimace. “I’m just… surprised that my speech worked.”

 

“You asked me to stay.” Cas said nonchalantly. “So I will.” His face lacked warmth and Dean somehow got the idea that he was forcing Cas into staying.

 

They stared at each other for five long and tedious minutes.

 

“Cas?”

 

“Yes, Dean?”

 

“I uhh...” Dean gulped, he was happy that Cas was staying, but he couldn’t help but feeling guilty. “Nothing… uhh Sam was gonna order some Chinese for dinner… I uhh. He left a couple hours, something about Wyoming.”

 

“I know.”

 

“What?” Dean did a double take and tilted his head with confusion.

 

“I already knew that.”

 

“I’m not deaf Cas. I was asking why the hell you knew that.” Dean crossed his arms.

 

“A spell.” Cas shrugged.

 

“Go on.” Dean prompted with a hand movement.

 

“He used a tracking spell on me and I sent him to Wyoming. I’m guessing that he didn’t tell you what he was going to Wyoming for?” Dean shook his head. “I was hoping that he would take you along so that I could get in here without any of you finding out. I knew that either one of you would try to make me stay.”

 

“We are really charming.” Dean teased.

 

“That wouldn’t be the adjective I’d prefer.” Cas teased back and Dean grinned.

 

“Awesome works too.” Dean cleared his throat awkwardly. “I’ll uhh... call Sam. He would hate to drive all the way to Wyoming for kicks.” Dean walked backwards, making sure that Cas wouldn’t ran up the stairs and leave the bunker. Cas saw it and walked towards the kitchen instead. Dean sighed in relief.

 

Cas just stood there for a while, contemplating what he had just done. Despite telling himself so many times that he was strong enough to leave the Winchester brothers behind, he couldn’t help but give in once he saw that Dean had obviously missed him so much. Dean never talked a lot, unless it was something that was killing him inside. Cas had seen Dean stumbling over his words and had wished he could’ve shut him up with a kiss and told him “yes” a million times.

 

Cas had tried to be strong. He had even tried to tell Dean that he wasn’t going to stay. He was weak. He was pathetic. He was a clingy mess who depended far too much on the Winchesters. He hated himself for being all those things despite knowing that he could have a life by himself. The job at the vet proved that he was capable of doing something. Kids liked him, the other workers though he was weird but cute with the animals, said animals liked him enough, and he had earned enough money to go by.

 

He had been close to becoming an independent person. He had been so close and yet he knew that he had hated it and he hated himself for it. Hunting was his life, whether it was a happy life or not didn’t matter. The Winchesters were his life. He had kept a picture of them within his old trench coat; the one he lost when he became human for the first time. Now, he carried a new picture of them in his wallet. He had taken the photograph before a hunt. The brothers were sitting at a table with a pizza box and a couple of beers on it. They were laughing about something he had said. Sam was covering his mouth with a hand because he was trying not to laugh and spit out his food. Dean was holding his stomach and had thrown his head back when he laughed. He loved that picture far too much for it to be healthy.

 

Now, he was back at square one. Dean was going to act civil around him for a couple of weeks, then something would trigger him, and then it would back to treating Cas badly or ignoring him altogether. Castiel wished he had his grace so he could be more useful around the bunker. That would make Dean happier, and Cas wouldn’t be able to feel so many emotions. He sometimes missed his wings, but he had never gotten them back really. Metatron had made sure to burn his feathers away when he took his grace away.

 

Cas sighed and went to his room. He washed the oil off of his hands first which took far too long for his liking. Then he scrubbed off the oil from his chin and neck with a wet towel. His skin felt tender and looked pink after the abuse. At least it had been quicker with the towel. Castiel unpacked his duffel bag after making sure he had removed all of the oil stains on his skin. It was everything he had back in Wyoming. He had never really unpacked.

 

Pathetic. He was so pathetic. Couldn’t even get too far from the Winchesters. He had promised himself, not even a day ago to never fall back into this life. Look how far along he had gotten. Castiel had managed to carry on by himself. He had an apartment, a job, a friend, but none of this could keep him away from the hunting.

 

He growled at himself and hit the wall next to him. He remembered the time he almost broke his knuckles against this same wall. Cas stopped and looked at his fist. He had some scars coating his dry knuckles. The skin was paler there. Cas remembered the pity in Sam’s eyes while he bandaged his wounds. Cas remembered being angered by such an expression. He didn’t want to be pitied.

 

* * *

 

 

He used to be a powerful angel. What happened to him? Why had his brothers and sisters abandoned him on Earth? Dean had said that the angels had appeared after he killed Amara. The angels had healed them and then dropped them in the bunker. He remembered waking up next to Dean and believing he was dead.

 

“Is this heaven?” Cas asked out loud without meaning to. He heard a chuckle next to him and saw Dean next to him in bed. The illusion had died when he saw Sam on the same bed. There was no reason for the three of them to share a bed in Castiel’s heaven. He had asked Dean about it when he woke up.

 

“No, this is the bunker. Why the hell would you think this is heaven? Are you okay buddy?” Dean shifted his body and pressed a hand to Castiel’s forehead.

 

“No, I’m definitely not okay.” Castiel slapped his hand away. “I feel like I’m dying.”

 

“Same here. I woke up a couple minutes ago and the pain won’t let me go back to sleep.” Dean groaned and laid back in bed. “God… this thing feels like the mother of all hangovers… I wish I could be Sam and just sleep this thing off.”

 

“Sam?” Cas craned his neck and was met with a huge human being sharing the bed with them. It was a miracle that they hadn’t fallen off. “Why are we all in here?”

 

“I don’t know. Fucking angels, Cas. Not you. Them.” Dean shrugged.

 

“Well I’m no longer an angel.” Cas whispered, he couldn’t feel the strength that came with grace. He couldn’t feel his wings either.

 

“I know, Cas.” Dean whispered back, remembering the wings scorched in the ground. “But you are with us now, and we will take care of your human ass.” Dean teased.

 

Dean had looked so sure of himself. Cas dared to say that Dean even looked proud of his task. Cas had immediately assumed that Dean saw him just like he had seen Sam when they were younger. A job, family, an annoying pain-in-the-ass that he kinda liked.

 

That had been enough for Cas until the djinn and well… it all gone downhill ever since. Cas decided not to unpack his stuff and instead began packing his other stuff in an extra duffel bag.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean knocked on Castiel’s door and barged in.

 

“Hey Cas, I made burgers for- what the fuck?” Dean stopped approaching Cas.

 

Castiel, for his part, froze and turned around with a couple shirts in his hands.

 

“Why are you packing up?” Dean asked almost shouting. He stared at the offending duffel bags in the bed and glared at Cas.

 

“I can’t stay.” Cas looked down at his feet and gripped the fabric of the shirts in his hands. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

 

“You are not leaving.” Dean shook his head and walked over to the duffel bags sitting on his bed. “You are gonna have to fight me.” Dean pushed Cas away and proceeded to sit down on top of the duffel bag Cas was working on. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Cas.

 

“Dean-” Cas started, but Dean raised a hand to stop him.

 

“Why do you want to leave me again?” Dean hadn’t meant to say “me”, but it had worked perfectly because Castiel’s eyes widened and he stuttered.

 

“Dean, I just… Dean, I promised myself I could be stronger than this.” Castiel refused to look at Dean’s face.

 

“Explain yourself, Cas. I can’t read minds.”

 

“There was time in which I had the ability to do so.” Castiel dropped his shirts in his bed and sat down next to Dean who was still sitting on top of a duffel bag.

 

“Yeah, let’s not go there, alright?” Dean placed a hand on Castiel’s elbow. He looked up at Dean and slowly decided his next words.

 

“Ok.” Cas nodded.

 

“Alright,” Dean squeezed his shoulder. “Go on.”

 

“I… don’t want to.” Cas stared at the space between his feet.

 

“Good, then that’s settled,” Dean clapped his hands. “You are not leaving.” Cas groaned.

 

“Dean, I came back because I was going to move into an apartment and I wanted to grab my things first.” Cas glared at him.

 

“What?” Dean stood up from his spot on top of the duffel bag and gawked. “What do you mean?”

 

“I’m working with Suzy, she owns a prolific veterinary clinic in Wyoming. I work as her assistant. She wanted me to come over here two months ago, but I refused to do so. I worked long enough to be able to get myself a one bedroom apartment.” Castiel said without breathing in between sentences and paused for a couple seconds. “The clinic receives a lot of strays and animals in critical condition. Suzy tries to take care of all of them. She is a good person.”

 

“Well then perhaps you should go back to Suzy if she is so fantastic!” Dean shouted and stood up.

 

“Do you want me to go?” Cas asked carefully. He was confused about Dean’s reaction.

 

Dean stared at Cas fiercely; it wasn’t quite a frown, but a calculating look, laced with pent up anger that was characteristic of him. Cas stared back at him with an open expression for the first time in months. He wanted Dean to see the pain he had felt while accepting his offer. He wanted Dean to see his vulnerability. Dean gulped and took a step back. He closed his eyes and slowly shook his head.

 

“No, I don’t want you to go.” Dean shook his head again. “Come on, I made cheeseburgers for us.” Dean didn’t say anything else, but exited the room. He waited for Cas to follow him, and he did.

 

They sat down at the table with a few burgers and beer. There was a tense silence around them. Dean sighed and dropped his phone on the table.

 

“Did you really work with a vet?” Dean asked. “Sam dated a vet while we were in purgatory.” Dean commented. He felt like asking Cas if they had done anything other than work, which was why he had made the comment about Sam‘s past girlfriend.

 

“I did work with her, it was a confusing job.” Cas stared down at his half eaten burger and shrugged, completely oblivious to Dean’s underhanded comment.

 

“How so?” Dean asked, already feeling more at ease.

 

“I resented the sense of impotence that my lack of grace brought me. I hadn’t felt so feeble in a long time, Dean.” Cas looked up at him. “I was powerless as the animals suffered around me. It was okay when they weren’t sick. I actually liked being around them then.” Cas let himself smile slightly. “How can my mind be so divided between being fond of the job and completely loathing it?” Dean remained silent for a while.

 

“You just described life with a question, buddy.” Dean grabbed his beer and chugged it down. Cas was cast down at the thought of what his life had become. His dejected stare was ignored by Dean.

 

* * *

 

 

Sam arrived for dinner and had passed by Castiel’s favorite Thai restaurant to celebrate. He came in with a huge smile, but it was quickly wiped off by Cas, who looked like someone had skinned his puppy. Sam’s grin returned anyway, and he walked over to crush him with a hug.

 

“Sam, please.” Cas coughed. “My lungs seem to be having trouble with expanding correctly.”

 

“Oh! Sorry.” Sam let him go with a sheepish smile, he knew very well what he was doing doing. “Cas, I’m so glad you are here! We missed you so much, man.” Sam’s smile widened into a full grin when Cas shrugged with a shy smile. “Dean’s been working on the sigils.” Sam commented, Cas looked up with a barely contained expression of curiosity and shock. “I believe he is almost finished with what we wanted to do before… well you know.” Sam shrugged with ease, not wanting to make Cas feel uncomfortable.

 

“Why? He had no reason to do so?” Cas asked with his customary frown.

 

“He needed something to do outside the bunker. The hermit was probably gonna rot in here.” Sam realized what he just said and attempted to act casual. He didn’t want Castiel to know that Dean had been miserable without him. Knowing Dean, Sam was sure that Cas knew close to nothing.

 

“Hermit? Why would Dean be a hermit?” Cas tilted his head and Sam, aware of the sharp look on his eyes, gulped. “He is more likely to be compared to a nomad rather than a hermit. Sam, what is it? You seem to be out of sorts.”

 

“It’s nothing.” Sam brushed his hair out of his eyes and licked his lips in a display of nervousness. Cas glared until Sam broke. “It’s just...” Cas adopted a threatening stance. Sam sighed. “Dean refused to leave the bunker to hunt or anything in case you came back, and he wasn’t here to keep you here no matter what.” Sam wanted to kick himself for saying so much.

 

“Okay.” Cas nodded, looking as dejected as he had been before Sam had hugged him. “So… he had it all planned out then?” He hummed and started walking away. “Thanks, Sam.”

 

“Wait, Cas!” Sam wanted to run after him, but Cas ignored his voice and walked away robotically.

 

Cas went back to his room and slammed the door shut. He kicked his duffel bags off his bed and started hyperventilating. He sat down on the floor and brought his knees to his chest. Dean just wanted to keep an eye on him. He didn’t fully trust him. What did Dean want? He clearly doesn’t see him as family. Dean must just want him in the bunker as some personal trophy. Keep the wingless dick in sight just in case he magically regains his mojo and he becomes useful again.

 

* * *

 

 

“Dean! Sam!” Castiel screamed in his sleep. “Where are you?” Castiel cried as he gripped his bedsheets. “Dean! Sam!”

 

Sam was the first to wake up with a start. He took off running barefoot towards Castiel’s bedroom and stopped by the door, unsure of what to do. Dean arrived a couple of seconds later and they shared a worried look.

 

“I think he is having a nightmare.” Sam whispered, dreading to open the door.

 

“You think?” Dean hissed. “Let’s go in and wake him up.” Dean took a couple of steps towards the door, but froze when he heard a sharp gasp.

 

“He is awake.” Sam mouthed. Dean nodded, he chose to stay silent and press his ear to the wooden door..

 

They both stood there like strangers in their own house, ready to burst inside the room in case something happened. It would have been slightly funny in another situation to see Sam in his pajamas, with his hair in a messy bun, and barefoot, while Dean pressed his ear to a door, with his hair spiked up, and dressed only in one of his oldest boxers and a t-shirt. Dean closed his eyes and gritted his teeth when he heard Cas whispering something.

 

“I’m in the bunker. This isn’t hell, this isn’t purgatory, and this isn’t heaven. I’m in the bunker.” Cas was repeating the mantra over and over again. “Sam and Dean are okay. I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay. I’m in the bunker. This isn’t hell, this isn’t purgatory, and this isn’t heaven.”

 

Sam reached over to where Dean was clutching the doorknob in a white knuckled grip. Dean jumped a little when Sam made contact with his hand. He couldn’t remember the moment when he grabbed the doorknob. Sam gently pushed Dean towards the kitchen. Dean didn’t fight him, and they sat down at the table in silence until Dean spoke out loud.

 

“I’m gonna talk to him.” Dean whispered without moving a muscle to actually stand up.

 

“You sure? This looks really heavy.” Sam raised an eyebrow. “We don’t know what we are doing. We have zero experience besides dealing with this stuff by ourselves. We can’t just go in there and pat his back like he is some kind of puppy.”

 

“I know,” Dean glared down at his fists, “this isn’t the first nightmare he has ever had. It’s not like I’ve never seen him like this.”

 

“You are thinking about that time in the motel?” Sam asked.

 

“What are you talking about?” Dean tried not to look nervous. He had been sure that Sam hadn’t seen them sharing a bed or Cas holding onto him while he slept.

 

“Uhh… that night in the motel… the night before Cas left.” Sam licked his lips, and immediately Dean knew he was nervous.

 

“You were supposed to be asleep.” Dean hissed, attempting and failing to hide his flushed with anger and shame.

 

“How on Earth was I not supposed to wake up?” Sam hissed back, like Cas would be able to hear him. “I thought Cas was in danger and so I woke up.” Sam pursed his lips. “You are not the only one that’s worried about him!”

 

“I know that! I’m just gonna talk to him, okay? But not right now, let him settle down in the bunker first.” Dean stood up and Sam did the same.

 

“I agree, he is too on edge right now. We should give him some space, but not too much.” Sam and Dean nodded.

* * *

 

 

Cas avoided the brothers for a week. The interactions were civil, yet tense. Dean tried to convince Cas to accompany him outside to check on the wards. Cas refused, saying that he had already done that, and that he was proud of Dean’s work. He had patted Dean on the back and fled. Sam tried to jog outside with Cas. He had no luck. Cas was waking up around 4 am to run by himself.

 

It wasn’t until Sunday that Dean snapped. He had tried in the morning to get Cas to check on the wards and had later asked him if he wanted to see the cars. Cas refused to do both, and Dean just couldn’t take it anymore. He worked on the cars first and then had lunch with Sam (because Cas had already eaten). After lunch, Sam broke the silence.

 

“Don’t do anything rash.”

 

“What are you talking about? I’m not doing anything.” Dean pursed his lips like Sam had just insulted him.

 

“You are scratching your arm again, Dean.” Sam pointed to the red skin on Dean’s forearm. “You haven’t done that in years now. It’s obvious that you are nervous.” Sam sighed when Dean glared at him. “Or that you are planning something really stupid.” Sam groaned when Dean stood up and kicked his chair back to its position. “Dean! Just be gentle with him”

 

“God! Sammy!” Dean rolled his eyes “I’m just gonna take a shower!” He wanted to get rid of the dirt and oil, and so he did.

 

He took his sweet time in the shower and took his sweet time getting dressed. It was probably time to get something ready for dinner and he was getting tired of eating sandwiches or getting takeout. Dean needed to keep himself active during the self-imposed hunting hiatus. They hadn’t dared tell Castiel that they were taking some free time for his sake. Dean could already see Castiel standing up and leaving the bunker to hunt anything and get himself killed. It was horrible thought, but the brothers had both decided to avoid it at all costs.

 

Dean walked into the kitchen, only to catch Castiel looking for something in the cupboards. Castiel was probably taking stuff to his room to eat by himself. A wave of anger quickly bled through Dean’s system at the idea of being avoided so obviously. He made sure to make his steps as noisy as he could. Castiel heard Dean coming in and seemed to give up in his small raid to the cupboards. He lowered his arm and looked down at the floor.

 

“Cas we need to talk.” Dean broke the silence. “Cas?” Dean asked gently. He was forced to grab his arm when Castiel tried to walk away. “Hey, don’t walk away from me again, you hear me?” Dean shouted and pointed a finger at his face.

 

“What do you care Dean?” Castiel hissed. “You barely even like me enough to keep me here!” Castiel forced Dean to let go of his arm. “I bet you can’t wait for me to leave again!”

 

“That’s not fucking true and we both know this shit, Cas. How many times do I have to tell you that you are family?” Dean’s grip on Castiel’s arms tightened.

 

“None, because I simply don’t believe you!” Castiel removed Dean’s hand from his arm violently. “You only keep me around in case you ever need me for a hunt or to save your brother.”

 

Dean had enough. He manhandled Castiel backwards until he hit the fridge with his back. He pressed an arm near Cas’ neck, low enough so that it wasn’t quite cutting off his air supply, but high enough to scare him. With his other arm he gripped his bicep tightly. Cas tried to struggle like an animal trapped in a cage. Dean used his arm to shove him back against the fridge one more time. Cas gasped and scowled at Dean.

 

“Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean hissed.

 

“Nothing, Dean, let me go.” Cas looked at Dean fiercely, if looks could kill then Dean would have died again.

 

“Oh! So nothing’s wrong with you? You are not acting like a dickhead just because you feel like you need to distance yourself from me and Sam?” Dean pressed Castiel harder against the fridge with his forearm. “What is it, huh? Do you want to leave us? Or do you believe that you are somehow putting us in danger?” Dean waited for Cas to say anything before continuing his interrogation with a softer tone. Sam had told him to be gentle, and he was doing the exact opposite. “I know you’ve been having nightmares about us being stuck in hell again,” he softened his hold on Cas, “and that somehow that fucking subconscious of yours believes it will be your fault if it ever happens again.”

 

“It’s not that, Dean. I’ve learned to cope with the fact that the three of us lead a tragedy prone lifestyle and that if something happens to us… that I will be graceless in every sense of the word and will be forced to look the other way.” Cas gulped. “I know I’m useless to you like this.”

 

“Cas...” Dean stopped when he saw Cas trying to hide his face from view by looking down at the floor between Dean’s shoes.

 

“Don’t, Dean.” Cas muttered.

 

“You know,” Dean began in a soft voice, “the first time I asked you to stay at the bunker for real… you frowned at me.” Dean cleared his throat. “At first, I thought you were telling me to fuck off; but now I understand that it was confusion. You didn’t understand what good you would be to us without your mojo.” Dean’s eyes lost their anger, they became tender with sadness. “Maybe I didn’t get what was up in that ancient brain of yours because of all the shit with the angels and Amara. I’m so sorry, Cas.”

 

Dean waited for a long time for Cas to say something. He really did. His grip on Castiel’s arm was getting softer and softer by the second, like his muscles couldn’t bear the idea of hurting him more. He wanted to hold Cas between his arms and never let him go. Cas was such a strange creature, because on one side he was this holy warrior who knew more ways to kill something than all human knowledge combined, and on this other side he was this guy who got really excited about bees, poems, and pajama pants were such magnificent concepts. Dean just knew that right now, right this second, he wanted to hold Cas to his chest and rest his chin on his messy hair until Cas felt safe and loved.

 

“Why did you frown when I asked you to stay?” Dean whispered instead of doing what he wanted.

 

“Nobody cares about me, Dean.” Cas sniffed. “The angels left me without saying a word. When I prayed to them asking for help...” Cas hesitated, “... Remiel came to me and told me there was nothing anyone could or wanted to do.” Cas sighed and repeated. “Nobody cares about me, Dean.”

 

“I do.” Dean tightened his hold on Cas without realizing.

 

“No you don’t.” Cas fought back and Dean tensed.

 

“Cas-” Dean tried desperately.

 

“Shut up, Dean! You are just attempting to make me feel better which is utterly ridiculous.” Cas snapped at him, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “You don’t care for me! You only think you do and that’s because I was useful to you once.” Cas let down a deep breath. “I blame my humanity for forcing my mind into this weak and broken state! Back when I had grace, I wasn’t able to feel as much as humans do.” Cas shouted. “Now, more than ever I understand that I deserved to die.” Dean loosened his hold on Cas and lowered his arms slightly without removing them completely.

 

“Cas-”

 

“I should have stayed dead, Dean!” Cas shouted. “No decision I made as an angel ever hurt like this.” Cas paused and looked up at the ceiling. Dean wondered if he was studying the colors again. “I was a sad, sorry excuse for an angel. I never amounted to anything good.”

 

“You did do some good.” Dean whispered, his head lowered and his eyes shut. Dean removed his arm and set both hands on Castiel’s shoulders, pressing him against the refrigerator with his body weight instead of choking him..

 

“What, Dean?” Cas barked bitterly. “Tell me one good thing.”

 

“You saved me.” Dean looked up at Cas. It wasn’t the first time he said it. Actually, it was the second, but there was something different about this time.

 

Cas took a deep breath when he saw Dean’s eyes. Dean wasn’t crying, but his eyes were red rimmed and a single small tear rested on the corner of his eye. Cas wanted to reach over with his thumb and catch the tear before it dropped.

 

Dean blinked and the tear fell. Cas moved without realizing it, but he was glad that his thumb managed to catch the tear. Dean sighed and closed his eyes, pressing his cheek against Cas’ hand. Cas froze in place, but didn’t remove his hand out of fear of doing something wrong. He also didn’t move it because he had missed feeling the softness of Dean’s skin against his rough palm.

 

“When you used your healing powers...” Dean hesitated, “did you really need to grab my face like this?” Dean opened his eyes and looked at Cas shyly. Slowly, Dean moved his hand to hold Castiel’s hand in place.

 

“I… no. Why?” Cas was confused. He didn’t understand what Dean was talking about or why.

 

“It took me a while to understand that angels didn’t really need much physical contact to heal. I saw other angels simply snapping their fingers or hovering over wounds.” Dean looked up, removing Castiel’s hand from his face and letting it drop. He needed to focus to say the next words. “You always touch my face like this, why?”

 

“I-” Cas choked on his words when he tried to find an answer. Dean didn’t wait for an answer because he already knew. Cas had been in love with him before the djinn dream.

 

“I thought that your…” Dean cleared his throat, “feelings.” His tone sounded slightly disgusted, like he loathed the word alone. Cas chuckled at the idea. “Shut up, dude. I’m having a heart to heart here. Probably only happens every time the planets align.”

 

“The planets are not-”

 

“I said shut up, didn’t I?” Dean lifted an eyebrow and grinned at Cas. He understood that it was a joke and smiled softly. Dean couldn’t help but stare at his gentle smile and mentally pat himself on the back for achieving it. “What I’m saying is… I’m sorry, okay?” Cas tilted his head.

 

“For what?”

 

“Are you going to make me say it?” Cas frowned. Dean sighed and spoke quickly, ripping off the metaphorical bandaid. “I’m sorry for telling you that what you felt wasn’t real. You are allowed to feel whatever you want, not matter how weird it is.”

 

“Weird?” Cas asked, Dean froze and tried nervously to look for a lifesaver excuse.

 

“Everything in this bunker is weird, don’t act offended or surprised.” Dean took a deep breath and rested his head against Castiel’s shoulder. He decided to keep apologizing. It felt quite like confessing to a father. “I’m sorry for getting drunk and attempting to rape you.” It sounded incredibly stupid and horrible when he said it like that, but Dean knew that was exactly what happened in a sense.

 

“Dean that-”

 

“Shut up, Cas.” Dean hissed. “I care about you. You are my best friend, Cas.” Dean looked up. “Hell! You are my family. I do care that you are broken and I’m gonna put you back together, no matter what. You fixed me; body and soul, and I’m gonna fix you up, man.”

 

Cas closed his eyes. He didn’t fail to cringe at the word friend, but guessed that it was better than nothing.

 

“You don’t have to do anything.” Cas complained.

 

“No, but I want to.” Dean looked at Cas. Judging by his frown, Cas didn’t look anywhere near convinced. “You don’t believe me, do you?” Dean sighed and brushed his fingertips across Castiel’s cheek without thinking. Cas hadn’t shaved in awhile, so the tears were stuck in his stubble. Dean hated to see those tears.

 

Dean hesitated, he paused what he was doing to reevaluate what the hell was going on. He didn’t know how to continue. Yes, he wanted to help Cas despite not knowing where to begin. He didn’t know what he was going to do next. Dean found himself staring at his lips, waiting for Cas to say something. At least, Cas had stopped panicking and trying to push Dean away.

 

“Cas, you’ve been a great friend. You’ve helped me so often to fight my problems that I always fail to recognize that you have your own demons. I wasn’t there when you needed me, and I’m sorry for not being there. I guess you wished that you never pulled my ass out of hell.” Dean gave him a watery smile.

 

“I don’t need your apologies or thanks.” Cas looked up, his bright blue eyes shining with tears and honesty. He remembered shouting at Sam how he wished he had never gotten Dean out of hell. “You deserved to be saved.” Cas said to himself, realizing that no matter what happened Dean was always going to be the righteous man who saved the world.

 

“You deserve to be saved too, Cas.” Dean whispered, he focused his eyes on his expression. Cas was confused, sad, hopeful, surprised, happy, but most of all he looked shocked. His face didn’t show much, but Dean knew how to read his eyes. “Fuck it.” Dean kissed Cas.

 

Cas gasped and closed his eyes. Dean was shaking with fear under his lips. Cas guessed that he was shaking too, his hands had curled up into fists as he held onto Dean’s shirt tightly. Dean held him in place with a gentle touch by cradling his face between his hands. His hands held him gingerly, like he was afraid that Cas would feel forced into the kiss. Dean wasn’t moving much and Cas realized that Dean was treading far too carefully; like he was made of glass.

 

Cas opened his fists and pulled Dean closer. He kissed him harder and Dean sighed in relief. Cas smiled into the kiss and closed his eyes tightly. Dean smiled too, but he pulled back suddenly.

 

“This is weird.” Dean pursed his lips and rubbed his face with one hand.

 

“I- I’m sorry Dean,” Cas mumbled. “I shouldn’t have-”

 

“No, not that.” Dean smirked and Cas tilted his head in confusion. He looked adorable with his wild hair, his frown, his wide blue eyes, and the unconscious pout on his chapped lips. Dean chuckled at the adjectives he used to describe him. “I’ve never kissed someone with a beard.” Dean brushed his cheek with a thumb, a gentle scraping sound filling the silence between them.

 

“But we have kissed before.” His frown deepened and Dean rolled his eyes.

 

“Well, I was too drunk that one time.”

 

“I kissed you before that one.”

 

“I think that it’s time for you to shut up again.” Dean grinned and kissed his forehead. Cas closed his eyes and sighed. Dean softly pressed a kiss to each eyelid, knowing that they probably felt tender from crying earlier on. He laid a gentle kiss on his lips, but Cas wasn’t okay with the idea of just a simple kiss and chased after his lips. “Woah easy there tig-” Dean couldn’t finish his sentence because Cas refused to let go of his lips.

 

Cas pulled back eventually and Dean rested his forehead against Cas’. Den was still holding his face between his hands. Cas laid a kiss to his palm and Dean was slightly shocked. He felt something akin to embarrassment and happiness, he wasn’t even sure what he was feeling anymore. He just knew it was okay, but his face didn’t quite show it.

 

“What?” Cas moved away from Dean. He blinked twice and tried to keep himself from shaking.

 

“Cas... buddy.” Dean took a deep breath. Cas felt dread take over his limbs. It was a cold feeling that choking him. “Cas… I’m sorry, but...” Dean sighed and closed his eyes. He rubbed his face with his palm and looked at Cas. “You need to shave, because I’m getting some serious injuries here, man.” Dean smiled… no he grinned at Cas. It was obvious that he knew what Cas would think of his hesitant nature.

 

“Dean...”

 

“Yeah, Cas?” Dean was grinning so hard that his eyes were crinkling at the corners. Cas took a deep calming breath and relaxed his muscles.

 

“I’m gonna kill you.”

 

“Like hell you will!” Dean winked in the most seductive way he could muster. Cas blushed and Dean shoved Cas against the fridge once more and took off running before Cas could react.

 

“Dean! Dean!” Cas ran after him.

 

“Sorry Sammy!” Dean pushed past Sam in the hall.

 

“Get back here, Dean!” Cas shoved Sam away and he fell to the floor. “Sorry, Sam. Dean!” Cas kept running after Dean who was headed for his bedroom. Cas didn’t let Dean close the door and tackled him to the bed. Dean laughed hysterically and tried to wrestle with Cas. They were both laughing now, Dean was flustered and Cas was smiling so hard that his gums were visible.

 

“Now what, angel?” Dean grinned at Cas who lifted an eyebrow.

 

“Well, I must find a way to make you show some respect.” Cas stood up to close the door. Dean lifted his weight on his elbows to look at him. “I heard that my facial hair was quite a torture.”

 

“Oh yes, no one should have to suffer through that.” Dean teased with a smile. Cas couldn’t help but smile back as he slowly straddled Dean. Despite his excitement, this was something new to him.

 

“Just… shut up, Dean.” Cas looked down at Dean’s shirt and swallowed awkwardly. Dean gently lifted his hand and caressed his cheek. He lifted his face and scared blue eyes met warm green.

 

“Make me.” Dean grinned and Cas immediately did as he asked with a tender kiss and hands on his chest. Dean couldn’t believe how cheesy this was, he also couldn’t care less.

 

Sam knocked on Dean’s door and walked in. “Dude what was that- Oh hell no! I’m so sorry guys!” Sam covered his eyes when Dean basically threw Cas off to the side when he sat up abruptly. “Nope, I’m leaving now. Don’t worry about me, have fun.” Sam shook his head backed off, closing the door behind him.

 

“Sam!” Dean shouted without really knowing what his next words would be if Sam had decided to pay attention to him. He looked at Cas who was staring at the door with a shocked expression. Dean had to admit that this last five minutes of his life were ridiculous and so unexpectedly happy that he couldn’t help but stare at Cas.

 

Cas slowly turned around to stare at him instead. Dean grinned and shrugged in an apologetic gesture. Cas frowned and tilted his head to the side like a cat. They both started honest to God giggling like teenagers.

 

“This never happened in your dream, or did it?” Dean asked and Cas chuckled.

 

“No, but I think we traumatized him.” Cas joked.

 

“Well...” Dean smiled down at his shoes and felt his cheeks pink up. “We’ve got enough time to keep traumatizing him.”

 

“Yeah?” Cas asked, his blue eyes were wide with uncertainty and fear. Dean nodded silently and leaned down to kiss him softly in the forehead.

 

“Yeah,” he smiled, stroking Castiel’s cheek with his thumb. “We have time, Cas.” Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas with a sense of hesitance. “We have time.” He repeated, because a relationship with Cas was something he needed time to get used to… and he was going to love every second of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the last chapter


	18. "Behind Blue Eyes" - The Who

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really expected more comments on the last chapter. Weird, guess you guys preffer sad stuff. BTW this chapter is cringe worthy for anyone who knows me in real life. IF YOU DO KNOW ME (as in seen my face, as in close enough to hit me): READ ONLY THE DIALOGUE

 

“So...” Sam mumbled between a bite of his sandwich.

 

“So?” Dean avoided eye contact and took a huge bite out of his sandwich.

 

“I-” Sam quickly studied Castiel’s and Dean’s body language. He could only see awkwardness and didn’t dare to make it worse. “I found the movie you wanted to watch.” Cas was sitting far from Dean. They would usually sit with their chairs right next to each other. Cas wasn’t even eating.

 

“Which one?” Dean asked, glad to have a distraction. He didn’t know what Cas was thinking. Cas could possibly be planning how to pack his things more efficiently.

 

“RED two,” Sam answered.

 

“That sounds like a porn site.” Dean grimaced and took a swig from his beer.

 

“I’m talking about the movie with Bruce Willis.” Sam rolled his eyes. He glanced at Cas to see him finally eating something.

 

“You should have started with that.” Dean rolled his eyes. He was about to ask Cas when Sam thankfully beat him to it.

 

“Hey Cas!” Sam grinned. “Want to watch a movie after dinner?”

 

“Sure.” Cas smiled and ate.

 

The brothers shared a look and shut up. Dean excused himself to work on the cars and Sam decided to take a look at the sigils with Cas. Sam wasn’t so surprised to see Cas refuse the idea.

 

* * *

 

 

After yesterday’s lunch (it was 2am right now), Cas and Dean had watched a movie with Sam. The younger Winchester seemed to be extremely uncomfortable to be so near the two of them. You didn’t see your brother kiss another dude every day, much less a fallen angel.

 

Dean had tried to ignore Sam completely and focus on the movie instead. Big mistake. He fell asleep on Sam’s bed. When he woke up, Cas had already fled to his room.

 

“You snore louder than ever. Can’t say I miss sharing a room with you.” Sam teased with a gentle smile.

 

“Shut up, Samantha.” He threw a pillow at him and Sam chuckled. Suddenly, a thought came to came to his mind. Dean looked around the room until something finally hit him. “Uhh...” he blushed, “where’s Cas?” he asked, looking at the empty chair and lonely pillow.

 

“Went to his room. He said he didn’t want to wake you up.” Sam shrugged, hiding how uncomfortable he was. He stood up from his spot on the bed and grabbed the pillow on Castiel’s chair. He placed it back on its spot and gave Dean a look. It was a silent offer of ‘hey, you wanna talk about it?’

 

“Okay then. Good night.” Dean took off before Sam tilted his head and looked at him with those puppy eyes. He automatically walked to Castiel’s bedroom, but panicked before he could knock on his door and went to his own bedroom instead.

 

Things were awkward. Life was weird. He was weird. Cas was weird. Sam was the most normal one all things considered, and here he was staring at the wall like it could give him some answers. Where he and Cas a thing? Was Cas angry with him? He was most likely supposed to go ahead and just talk to him, but Dean was never a talker. No, no. Dean hated talks like that because they were just plain awkward and thing were awkward. Yeah… things were awkward.

 

Dean didn’t even know what exactly happened in the djinn dream, and Cas mostly shrugged it off. . What if the djinn had made Cas believe something horrible? What if the djinn took advantage of Cas? He silently prayed that the djinn had been nice to Cas. What does Cas want from Dean? Dean laid awake in his bed for hours, thinking the worst of the situation. He had to talk to Cas about the djinn, not their feelings. Yeah, monster first and feelings later.

 

After breakfast he poked at the subject until Cas groaned and stared at him like he was a kid.

 

“Dean… the dream is not as tangible as a memory.” Cas rolled his eyes and went back to cleaning the dishes. They usually took turns to do the dishes and it was his time. Dean had offered to help him in order to have an opportunity to get Cas alone.

 

“What?” Dean frowned, not fully understanding.

 

“It means...” Cas sighed, “that despite the fact that it felt like years passed…. none of it feels like it actually happened.” Cas saw Dean raise a confused eyebrow. “What did you dream last night, Dean?”

 

“What?”

 

“Just answer the question. I used to be a spiritual immortal being made out of celestial intent. I know stuff.” Cas handed him a wet plate with a smile, and Dean placed it in the rack for wet dishes.

 

“Uhh… I don’t really remember much.” Dean shrugged.

 

“Exactly, I don’t remember much of what happened, ergo I’m not sure what came out of my subconscious and what was all part of the djinn’s idea of perfection. Perhaps most of it was forgotten as a short term memory. There are things that I know that happened during the dream, but it feels like I watched someone pass through the motions of living instead of doing them myself.” Cas shrugged and Dean nodded half convinced.

 

After a while, Dean spoke. “Wait… Cas?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Did you just use the word “ergo” on me?” Dean frowned in disbelief and Cas just shrugged.

 

“Maybe.” Cas smiled.

 

“You are feeling pretentious this morning, aren’t you?” Dean grinned.

 

“Am I? I wouldn’t know.” He shrugged and then did something that Dean never expected. Cas handed him the last plate and kissed Dean’s forehead like he had been doing it for years.

 

Dean stood there for an hour. Maybe weird was his normal now. Maybe he just shouldn’t give a fuck. He should have known that by now. It was obvious. Wait… what was so obvious? Dean went to sit on a chair and sat there until Sam was pestering him about lunch.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean’s relationship (or whatever it was) with Cas was barely a couple days old when this happened. It was weird because Dean found himself feeling relief and unease at the same time. He was fucking glad that Cas wanted him, but he was also afraid of not being enough for him or being too much. He didn’t know where his own line was going to be drawn or if Cas wanted to draw a line somewhere for himself. Nothing had really changed besides the fact that he was somehow allowed or expected to be different.

 

They acted like teenagers around each other. Which was stupid considering that Castiel was older than the dinosaurs and Dean’s mind was 40 years older than his body, thanks to hell. This hesitance probably fit their maturity and not their age. Cas and Dean were slowly pushing each other during the first week of “togetherness”. Can I touch you? Is it okay if I do this? Can I rest my head on your shoulder? I’m placing my leg her, don’t freak out. We should really watch Indiana Jones without Sam. Can I stay?

 

Can I stay?

 

“Dean?” Cas opened Dean’s door and knocked on it when Dean didn’t budge. “Dean?” Cas asked again. He considered turning around and running away, but Dean was already shifting in his bed.

 

“Ugh… wassup Cass.” Dean stretched the S on Castiel’s nickname, and slapped his own face on pure accident. Dean looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand and squinted at the time. It was 3 am. He was about to throw something at Cas, but then he saw his face and froze.

 

Cas was standing in his blue pajama pants and one of Dean’s band T-shirts, he was hugging himself with one arm and contemplating the door knob like it was offending him. Cas was the picture of fear and anxiety as he fidgeted by Dean’s door.

 

“Cas?” Dean had never stood up faster in his life as he shot up and ran towards Cas. He almost fell down face first when he stumbled over one of his shoes. Nothing would stop him from reaching Cas in this moment. He had promised to take care of him. He needed to take care of Cas. He needed it… and now he was able to do so. This is was Dean, deciding to ignore everything his mind told him, every prejudice and fear.

 

“Dean?” Cas looked up with his red eyes. Dean let out a deep breath and pulled him in for a hug. He held Cas against his chest as if he could shield him from his own nightmares. “Can… can I stay?” Cas stuttered and clutched Dean’s shirt in his hand. He felt Dean nod and lay a hesitant kiss to the back of his neck and then a kiss on his temple. Cas looked up and Dean held his face between his hands.

 

“Did you have a nightmare?” Dean whispered in a rough voice.

 

“I- I don’t understand. Sleep is supposed to be about rest. What am I doing wrong?” Cas shook his head repeatedly and Dean held him in his arms once again.

 

“Nothing, Cas, everyone is different.” Dean traced what he hopped were soothing circles on the tense muscles on his back.

 

“How do you do it?” Cas asked. “You have so many traumatizing memories from hell, purgatory, and even Earth.” He whispered, not realizing how triggering his words had been.

 

“Woah Cas, thanks for the reminder.” It was supposed to sound sarcastic and teasing, but it was a low painful whisper. Dean shrugged and let go of Cas to close the door with his foot. “Come here.” Dean offered Castiel his hand and then pulled him gently towards his bed.

 

Castiel did so with slow calculated movements. Dean laid down beside him and snaked his arm behind Cas to drag him towards his body. Cas let out a sigh of relief and laid his head on Dean’s chest. Dean groaned when Cas’ hair tickled his nose. Castiel apologized and shifted. He wasn’t sure where to place his hands, but Dean saw him fidgeting and grabbed his hands in an act of annoyance. Cas stopped moving and froze even more when Dean curled his fingers around his in a tender gesture. They both let out a long sigh when they were able to get comfortable. Dean chuckled when they both sighed. Cas felt the vibrations from his chest and couldn’t help but to move closer to Dean’s body It was strange for Dean. He was used to smaller bodies and less spiky hair. Girls usually knew what to do when cuddling.

 

Cuddling.

 

Yup, Dean was fucked and Cas never went back to his room after that.

 

Of all the things that Cas hadn’t expected was how strong Dean’s arms were. It shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise, but he hadn’t ever experienced the strength of his muscles quite like this.

 

Castiel woke up after a dreamless sleep. He had forgotten what it felt like, and his body was singing with joy at how rested it felt. Dean had his arms wrapped around his chest and his face buried in the crook of his neck. He was snoring softly and his mouth was slightly open. Dean clutched at his shirt with one hand while the other was holding him steady. Castiel tried to move experimentally, only to have Dean reacting to it and pulling him closer to his chest. Cas slowly realized he wasn’t going anywhere at all. He also realized it didn’t bother him at all.

 

His bladder seemed to have a different idea. Castiel tried to move again, but Dean groaned in his sleep and wrapped a leg round Castiel’s legs. Castiel sighed with a smile and gasped when Dean laid a sleepy kiss to his neck. This was all so new to them and so hesitant, but the haze of sleepiness killed Dean’s anxieties and made it all perfect.

 

“Dean?” Cas managed not to die on the spot, especially when Dean continued to kiss his neck.

 

“Hmm… what?” Dean whispered against his neck, one of his hands slowly traveling south.

 

“Uhh...” Cas gulped, “I need to stand up.” Castiel shivered when Dean’s cold fingers got beneath his shirt.

 

“You sure?” Dean grinned against Castiel’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and bit his shoulder as gently as he could. His hand was traveling up until he found Castiel’s nipple. This was something he didn’t knew he was capable of and at the same time it was something that he couldn’t wait for.

 

“Dean?” Cas gasped and turned around. He was about to complain, but there was obviously a reason for Dean to allow him such movement. Dean captured his lips in a hungry kiss. The hand on his nipple traveled to his back. With perhaps too much strenght, Dean pulled Cas closer to him and pressed their bodies together. They both groaned when their crotches were pressed together. Dean kissed him before Cas could take a deep breath, and suddenly released him and rolled away.

 

“Well if you want to leave then sure, go ahead.” Dean shrugged and closed his eyes like he was going back to sleep. Cas couldn’t help but stare at Dean, specially at his tented boxers. “I mean, who am I to tell you what to do?” Dean shrugged again and flexed one of his knees. “I’m not God or anything.” He said smugly, knowing far too well how Castiel would react to that.

 

“Shut up, Dean.” Cas was on top of him before Dean could even open his eyes or grin.

 

Dean would deny that he squealed in shock when Cas pressed their bodies together. It was bizarre and otherworldly… and Dean wouldn’t change it for the world. Cas lifted his weight on his knees and elbows, knowing exactly what Dean wanted. Dean groaned and tried to pull Cas closer with his hands, but Cas chuckled and began to kiss the hunter’s neck. The former angel had waited forever for this; he could make Dean suffer a bit. Dean groaned and tried to move his hips in search for friction. Cas didn’t budge at all.

 

“What were you saying, Dean?” Cas teased as his hands found the hem of Dean’s shirt. Dean groaned and arched his back in acceptance. Castiel got the message and stripped Dean of his shirt. He straddled Dean and removed his own shirt. Dean tried again to move his hips, but Cas still wouldn’t let Dean move.

 

“Oh come on Cas!” Dean growled. He rolled them both with all his strength and managed to stay on top this time. He kissed Cas as hard as he could. That is… until he remembered what he was doing. “Oh.” Dean sat up and stared at Cas with wide eyes.

 

Dean was kissing a dude. Dean was kissing a dude on his bed. Dean was kissing a dude on his bed and he was hard as fuck. Cas, this was Cas. What if Cas didn’t want this? What if Cas had some bad experiences with the djinn? Sure, it had been a while ago, but still. They probably should talk about this before going further. Which got him to think about what the word “further” meant for him. He had never done this before. Dean would be a complete hypocrite if he said he had never thought about it, but thinking and doing were completely different things. What if he didn’t like it? Cas would understand, right? What if he was shit at it? Cas would be so annoyed. OH MY GOD WHO WOULD BE THE BOT-

 

“Dean?” Cas asked.

 

“Huh?” Dean shook his head and looked at Cas like he had forgotten he was under him. How did this even happen?

 

“Its okay, Dean.” Cas sat up slowly making sure not to accidentally rub his cock against Dean’s legs. “It’s okay.” Cas placed a hand on Dean’s cheek and the other on his neck. “We don’t have to do anything.”

Suddenly they were kissing each other again. Dean wasn’t so sure whether he had moved first, and he didn’t care. Cas was warm and hard against him. His muscled chest different from boobs. He raised a hand to feel his muscles and tease his nipples again. Dean was rewarded with the dirtiest moan he had ever heard. Cas trusted his hips towards Dean on pure instinct and groaned when their cocks pressed against each other through the layers of clothing. Dean pushed Cas against the mattress and frowned at the sight of his flannel pajama pants.

 

“I hate this pants.” Dean muttered before he started to take them off.

 

“You gave them to me.”

 

“A decision I strongly regret.” Dean pulled his pants off along with his boxers and threw them across the room. He looked down at Castiel’s dick like it he’d never seen one before. Cas sighed and sat up. He kissed Dean before he could have enough time to overthink. Dean took a deep breath and struggled to take off his boxers. They paused and looked down at their painful erections. Dean looked up at Cas and they both stared at each other in shock. They had gone so far.

 

Laughter soon filled the room. Dean bent forward from laughing so much until he pressed his forehead against Castiel’s shoulders. Cas wrapped an arm around him and continued laughing. It was the most he had laughed in his entire life. Cas could feel tears coming out already. Dean raised his head and made beeline for his lips. Cas tasted a bit like morning breath, but he couldn’t find it in himself to give a fuck. They fell to their sides in a tangle of limbs, hips searching for friction. Dean rubbed his cock along Cas’ length. It was an entire different sensation to what he was used to and it felt so good.  The idea of focusing on two things a time seemed to be too taxing; so they stopped kissing in order to just focus on their dicks. Cas slipped a hand between their stomachs and held Dean’s dick in his fist. Dean hissed and Cas released some of the pressure. Dean followed his example and grabbed Castiel’s cock in his hand. They both tried to fuck the other’s fist, but it was too messy and awkward. Dean growled and pushed Cas away.

 

“Dean?” Cas backed off, thinking that he had done something wrong. He didn’t expect Dean to push him against the mattress again and then grab his cock. “What?”

 

“Shut up.” Dean blushed and leaned forward to kiss Castiel’s sharp hipbones. “Shut up before I change my mind.”Cas groaned and Dean took the former angel’s cock in his mouth. He was careful at first, not wanting to hurt Cas or accidentally scratch his skin with his teeth. Cas didn’t have the patience for that and pushed his cock further into Dean’s mouth. Dean pulled back a bit, but continued going.

 

“Dean get off.” Cas pulled Dean’s hair when he felt a familiar pressure. “Dean!” Dean ignored the warning and instead tried to take in as much as he could. Cas came with a groan, his hands pulling Dean’s soft hair. Dean sat up with a grin when it was over. Castiel was still panting and staring at the ceiling. Dean frowned. Cas was staring at the ceiling like it was a math problem.

 

“Cas? Come back to me.” He pulled Cas to a seating position and held his face between his hands. “This is real, Cas.” He kept himself from sighing in relief when Cas looked at him. “We are real.” Dean wasn’t sure if kissing Cas after the… hmm… activities was okay or not. He was surprised when Cas snapped out of it and kissed him so hard, he could taste blood. “Dude.” Dean complained, brushing the blood from his torn lips.

 

“I love you, Dean.” Castiel whispered. “It’s okay if you don’t say it back. I just needed you to know that before anything else could happen as we seem to live quite an interesting life.” Cas closed his eyes. “Dean please don’t freak out. I-” Dean placed a chaste kiss on his cheek and Cas opened his eyes in shock.

 

“I believe I told you to shut up twice today.” Dean kissed his nose and backed off. He didn’t want to look at Cas for fear of losing his bravery and instead stared at his collarbone. “I’m not ready to say it yet. Every time I say it someone dies or starts the apocalypse. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready, Cas.” Dean kissed his jawline and hugged Castiel close to his chest. “All I’ve always know is that I need you and that I want you to stay with me… cursed or not.” Dean smiled and bit his lower lip without looking at Cas.

 

“You-you’ve said those things before.” Cas frowned.

 

“I did.” Dean could feel himself blush even harder, he probably looked like a human tomato right now and was glad to be hiding his face in the former angel’s neck.

 

“I don’t follow.” Cas frowned. Dean had said those things before. He is using them now instead of… “oh!” Castiel’s eyes were impossibly big as it all clicked in his mind.

 

“You are really slow for an angel.” Dean teased.

 

“You have the average speed of a human.” Cas teased back. He suddenly seemed to remember that Dean was still hard and ready to go. He looked down only to realize that Dean was not “uhh”

 

“Talking about ‘feelings’ seems to be an actual turn off.” Dean mused, hissing out the word ‘feelings’.

 

“I-” Cas lifted his hand awkwardly and Dean just slapped it away.

 

“Shut up, Cas.” Dean settled down in between the pillows and blankets with a sigh. He pulled Cas along and he struggled to get away.

 

“But-”

 

“Say something and I swear to God I’m moving to Mexico.” Dean’s threat was obviously a joke, but his tone was clear.

 

“I hear God is in a tortilla in Mexico.”

 


	19. Epilogue

Waking up was still something strange and otherworldly. Sometimes Castiel woke up during the middle of the night because of the nightmares that plagued him. He often dreamed about the angels, about Sam suffering in the cage, about Dean being tortured in hell, about him being tortured in heaven, or about watching Sam mourning Dean’s death after Castiel was unable to save him. He also dreamt about being back under the djinn poison, living a lie with someone who looked like Dean. Colors still helped him cope with this nightmares. Dean holding him during the night also helped a lot.

 

Dean knew Cas like the back of his hand. It hadn’t been easy at first, not at all. Cas woke up screaming sometimes and refused to let Dean near him. Those nights made him feel useless, but Cas eventually calmed down and searched for Dean between the covers to hold onto him by wrapping himself around his body like an octopus. Sometimes, Cas woke Dean up around 2 am by squeezing him as hard as he could. Dean had joked that Cas would probably break one of his ribs by accident. Cas had paled at the thought and stumbled over his apologies. Dean had laughed so hard at seeing Castiel’s shocked face that he had fallen from his chair. Sam had ran into the library thinking that they were fighting or something. He had just smiled when he saw Dean laughing his ass off with Cas looking down at him with a tender yet confused smile.

 

Sam was happy too. He was no longer a human shield for Dean or Cas to use. Nowadays he just took online classes while managing Bobby’s and Garth’s old hunter’s network. After a few days team free will started hunting together. It was perfect. Until Cas got all philosophical in the middle of the night. He poked Dean’s chest in the middle of the night. 

 

“Dean?” 

 

“Hmm?” Dean hummed without opening his eyes.

 

“I’ve been thinking-”

 

“Don’t do that so often, you’ll hurt yourself.” Dean cracked an eye open to stare at Cas who wasn’t amused.

 

“I’ve been thinking about this girl.” Red alarms suddenly flared up in Dean’s brain, but Cas seemed unaware. “I wish to see her again, but lack idea how to contact her.”

 

“Uhh...” Dean sat up in bed and rested his back against the headboard. “I- uhh,” Dean gulped. “Who is she?” Dean just stared at Cas for any sign of what this was about, but Cas just had this neutral face going on.

 

“I don’t know her name either.” Cas saw Dean frowning. “I saw her in my dreams, when everything was going perfectly I saw her to remind me that there was a real world. Of course, I never really wanted to wake up at that time.”

 

“Would you?” Dean hesitated, but spoke out loud anyway when Cas frowned at him in confusion. “Wake up… I mean… if you were back in the dream, would you wake up?”

 

“Yes,” Cas’ frown deepened, “I thought it was obvious.” Dean smiled and Cas sat up to press a kiss to his cheek. Physical contact was still kind of weird for Dean. Cas didn’t gave a fuck, but Dean always had this look of surprise and awe whenever Cas kissed him. Castiel decided he would never get tired of seeing that face.

 

Dean cleared his throat. “So... this girl?”

 

“She was sleeping next to me in the warehouse.” Cas continued. “She was wearing an Illinois State University sweatshirt and-”

 

“I know where she lives.” Dean interrupted him.

 

“Why?” Cas frowned. Dean blushed.

 

“I met her girlfriend.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

There was an awkward silence. There really was no reason for it, but they still remained silent.

 

“We could go and say hello.” Dean shrugged. “I’d like to see how they are doing.” Dean failed to mention that they weren’t really girlfriends, just friends, but that he strongly wished for them to get together.

 

They took off the next day when Sam somehow found a hunt on Illinois. Some vampires were taking drunk men and possibly turning them to create a new nest. Dean had almost jumped with joy as he picked up his favorite machetes. They arrived at Illinois in the night and decided to take their FBI outfits to meet the girls.

 

“Hey you okay?” Dean asked when he saw Cas staring at the door like it was some kind of monster. “Cas?” Dean placed a hand on his shoulder and Cas snapped out of it. He turned to look at Dean with an unreadable smile and knocked on the door.

 

“Coming!” They heard a female voice shout and several noises coming from what they guessed was the kitchen. The girl opened the door and stared at them with a frown. “Uhh, hi, what can I do for you?” The brunette crossed her arm in a defensive gesture and sized them down. Dean raised an eyebrow, somehow remembering that this was Emily. Cas just stared at her like he had discovered an alien race. Emily had cut her hair short in a sort of boyish style. Her makeup was light and she looked weary and defensive.

 

“Emily, who is it?” Kiara walked over to the door and opened it all the way. “Agent Daltrey? Oh my God!” Kiara jumped at Dean and wrapped her arms around his neck. She was small enough to hang from his neck like a monkey and thin enough for Dean to ignore her weight.

 

“Hey, how you doing?” Dean chuckled and wrapped an arm around her waist to help her stand up. He failed to notice the way Emily was staring at Cas and viceversa.

 

“I’m good, good.” She smiled at Emily who was still staring at Cas. Kiara turned to Cas and then smiled at Dean. “I see you found your partner.” Kiara winked at Dean. She looked so happy in comparison to the last time Dean had seen her.

 

“I- yes I did.” Dean blushed. “That’s actually why we are here.” Dean cleared his throat awkwardly. “To check on you and your gi- uhh friend.” Dean pursed his lips at the slip and tried to act casual.

 

“Didn’t know the FBI did that sort of thing.” Emily glared at Dean. She stood up straighter and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Her expression was threatening and downright furious.

 

“We usually don’t,” Dean agreed, “but this was a special case.” Dean turned to look at Cas who was still staring at Emily.

 

“I bet,” Emily spat. “Do I know you?” Emily asked Cas, her voice expressing her disgust at being stared at for so long. Kiara sent a confused look towards Dean, who just shrugged and sighed.

 

“Not exactly.” Cas smiled. Emily’s eyes softened as she stared at his smile. She shook her hair and went back to posturing.

 

“Uhh this is Cas, my partner.” Dean introduced him, not realizing what he did until it was too late. He wanted to 

 

“Cas? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you somewhere.” Emily just stared at him with a worried frown, her hands trembling slightly. Kiara saw this and took one of her hands in hers. “Kiara said you found him?” Emily looked at Dean. “Where did you find him?” she asked in a more demanding tone. Her hostility was a clear sign of fear, and Dean recognized it well.

 

“Same place where he found you, Em.” Kiara gulped. “This is the guy I talked to you about.” 

 

“What?” Emily looked at Dean with a raised eyebrow. “But...” she looked at Cas. You… I… I believe I saw you.”

 

“I could say the same about you,” he replied. Cas smiled with hesitance and it hit Emily like a ton of bricks. Suddenly the hostility on Emily’s face shattered. She began crying silently and looked at the floor. Her body trembling unexpectedly. Cas reached out to her out of instinct and placed a hand on her shoulder. She forced a smile and wiped her eyes. 

 

“You were smiling, in that mattress.” Emily shook her head. 

 

“You never smiled,” Cas whispered in response.

 

“I knew there was something for me to go back to.” Emily shrugged and whipped her tears away. “I just wanted it to stop and let me go back.”

 

“Hmm...” Cas hummed, deep in thought. Dean turned to look at him. He couldn’t even guess what Cas could be thinking about. Was he thinking about him? How bad things had been a while ago? About the angels and how they left him alone? His thoughts were interrupted when Emily turned to Kiara.

 

“You were the only thing that reminded me there was something out there.” Emily muttered. Kiara reacted swiftly and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Emily let her do so and rested her head against her shoulder. She was this sweet young girl who wanted to look tough on the outside. Dean was able to see her walls breaking down.

 

“At least you knew there was something good out there.” Cas stared at Kiara and Emily with sadness written on his face.

 

“Didn’t you?” Emily straightened up and looked at Cas like he an anthropologist. She gave Dean a look and her face fell. Dean looked so heartbroken, his eyes were red rimmed, his jaw was tense, and his knuckles had turned white from the tightness of his fists.

 

“No, I didn’t.” Cas looked at Emily and Kiara with a sad smile. They were both staring at Dean who was pursing his lips and looking at the wall. Dean looked like he was about to punch a hole through a wall or have a heart attack. Cas didn’t seem to notice. “Perhaps that’s why I smiled in that warehouse.” Cas looked down at the floor. “Maybe the idea of living in my own little world was enough for me.”

 

Dean took a deep breath and tightened his fists. His nails digged into his palms and he welcomed the sting.

 

“I’m sorry.” Emily croaked out, tears about to fall again. She released Kiara, who was still staring at Dean, and wrapped her arms around Castiel’s neck. She was tall for a girl, perhaps just as tall as Cas. 

 

Cas allowed her to hug him. It was weird for him to receive affection from a stranger when he had struggled all his life to get affection from anyone. Cas slowly raised his arms to hug her back gently and barely touching her. He didn’t look at Dean. Not at all, he was looking at the wall in front of him.

 

“Don’t be,” Cas replied to Emily’s apology. “I finally figured out that there is something worth living for.” He looked at Dean with a gentle smile. “I’m grateful for finally finding him.”

 

Dean took a step back from the intensity of the stare. He accidentally hit the wall behind him and Kiara raised an eyebrow at him. Emily let go of Cas and looked at everyone with worry on her face. Dean muttered an awkward apology and chuckled. Cas was still smiling at him, like he was some kind of lost puppy under the pouring rain. Dean smiled and shook his head. 

 

Damn! Things had changed so much. Here he was, an awkward blushing almost forty year old man chuckling because he didn’t know what else he could do. It had been a confusing change that he didn’t quite understand when it had happened. There he was, suddenly in a relationship with his best friend, his angel. Dean was feeling lightheaded, or perhaps he felt like could fly away any minute now. It was bizarre and surprising. Who would have guessed that the only thing they needed for this to happen was some bullshit dream to get them here?

 

“Let’s go home Dean.” 

 

“Yeah.” Dean smiled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank anyone who took their time to leave a comment even if it was only a couple of words. You guys have no idea how happy your comments made me. This has been a journey for me and the only fanfic I've ever finished writing. If you liked my terrible writing: I'll be posting a new story which will be an Mechanic!Dean Teacher!Cas AU with a bit of Highschool AU in it. It will be called Dean You Are A Star and will be up by next Friday.


	20. NOT A CHAPTER (DELETING LATER)

**NOT A CHAPTER**

* * *

Firsf of all, I love y'all so much for reading this and commenting on this fic.

I'm planning on a short sequel, a one shot kinda thing or maybe a short case fic to get a look at how theirs relationship developed and how my baby Cas is dealing with life in general because I feel like not many of you guys felt like the ending gave Cas the closure needed.

 

Idk.

 

Yay or nay?

Also: i have two new Instagram accounts @destielbydesign and @wayward.alex (same as my main tumblr). So go ahead and slide into my DMs to scream at me


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